I Am (Really) Tired of Err’body Asking Me Fo’ 💩: A Small Analysis on Friendship

Read the main title again y'all.

As a co-worker once defined to me, I am really on this newfound journey of self-awareness, and one aspect of being self-aware is recognizing your surroundings. Although I have intentionally sought out fresh faces in the near-past, I have ultimately kept the same, small friend groups that were generated throughout moments in my lifetime. I have developed momentary relationships with, spent time with, and networked with bucket-loads of people, but I do not have many friends, and I absolutely LOVE that aspect about myself, because its telling of how precious I view the title of a friend.

Interestingly enough, Oxford uses the phrase “mutual affection” to describe a friendship:

Friend /frend/ (noun): a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations

A collection of definitions online describes a friend as someone who:

• you know well, like, and trust
• you are fond of
• is helpful, reliable
• is in the same circle of communication
• is on the same side of struggle; an ally
• sympathizes, supports, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

Nicomachean Ethics, I recently learned as being one of the most infleuncial philosophical pieces of writing by Aristotle, details friendship in Book VIII (← NOTE: this is hyperlinked: please click and enjoy the full text). He first describes love and friendship in Section 2 as being “reciprocated good will”. In Section 3 of the book, he lays down the three types of friendships, the last being the most beneficial:

Friendship of Utility (Love for the useful) — this relationship is very “give-and-take”; these individuals connect solely on what the other can do and/or provide for them. This friendship dissipates quickly once the provided incentive is gone. (EX. One individual owns their own hair salon. Their ‘friend” frequents that hair salon, with the hope of receiving salon services for free or at a discounted rate. Once the hair salon goes into foreclosure, the “friend” no longer gets their hair done, and only sees the hair-salonist in passing).

Friendship of Pleasure (Love for the pleasant) — this relationship is based on self-love; these individuals may enjoy each other’s company, but only when it benefits themselves from an emotional standpoint (EX. Two individuals happen to both take a liking in winter sports, so they ski, sled, and snowboard together, but they rarely spend time together outside of the slopes).

Friendship of the Good (Love for the good) — this friendship is genuine: they both give without the expectation of receiving, they keep no tabs, keep no secrets. They are vulnerable with one another. The time spent together is child-like. This friendship is meaningful and stands the test of time.

The basis of Friendship of the Good reminds me of Proverbs 27:17, which states:

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend (NKJV).

The first two types of friendships aren’t necessarily bad: there just needs to be a level of understanding and acceptance between both parties as to what that relationship is from the start. Aristotle actually simply stamps utility and pleasurable friendships as “incomplete” later on in Book VIII, because these friendships were:

(1) formulated throughout a short period of time, and

(2) are under-developed

Friendship of the Good are complete, as Aristotle describes, because these friendships have acquired much time to experience one another.

Wow, that’s powerful.

I actually want you to stop reading this. Take a minute. Think about the ones you call “friend”. And ask yourself:

• Have I seen this person in moments of happiness? Sadness? Jealousy? Anger?
• Am I able to put my full trust in this person?
• Am I able to talk freely with this person? What is the basis of our conversations?
• Does this person give without expectations of receiving?
• Does this person make me feel safe?
• Does this person intentionally seek out quality time with me?
• Does this person generally have my best interest at heart?
• Is this all RECIPROCATED in the relationship?

Honeyyyyy, its time to start Diddy-croppin’ some people OUT YO LYFE.

Now that that’s all out the way: back to me.

Without getting into grave detail: I have been hyper-analyzing my relationships with people the past 5–6 months or so, and I have come to realize that the see-saw is very un-leveled. I very well have my own set of faults, but evidently, I am confident in saying I am a pretty genuine person. I do not want to point fingers (because a pointing finger always points right back), but I have some noticeable, utilitous friendships.

I have carried the same goals from year-to-year, and part of the reason why they have been unachieved is because I am just so busy fulfilling the tasks of others. I blame myself for allowing that to happen. It is honestly no one else’s fault but my own. But it stops today.

I have people in my life that only contact me when they need something. They ask. And ask. And ask. And ask. Annnnnnnnnnnnd asssssssssk.

And you know what I do?

I give.

And give. And give some more. Oh, and I give. And I sprinkle some more giving. Give give give give give giveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

It has come to a point now that they do not even need to prompt a formal question for me to give. I just lay out the palms of my hand. And they take. Oh, do they take.

I honestly don’t know why I continue this cycle of self-sabbotage. Someone once told me it is because I like to people-please, but I disagree: I just genuinely enjoy seeing people happy.

I’m tired, though.

And do you know why?

Because at the end of every week, I look, and I have nothing left for myself.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I’m serious.

Money depleted. Gas on e. Haven’t studied in days. Missed meetings. Late to work. Didn’t attend church. 4–5 hours of sleep. Nothing to my name.

Why should I continue to pour into someone else’s glass, if mines always ends up being completely empty?

Why should I give at the expense of my mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, and financial health?

Why should I bend over backwards for someone who would not even bend their finger for me?

Why should I prioritize someone who only views me as an afterthought?

WHY?

Yo, seriously, I can drop so many examples right now of how I have gotten screwed over, but I do not want to revisit events that I have already claimed peace and forgiveness over.

As I get older, I have actually found myself cringing when some people use my name and “friend” in the same sentence. I’m like (in my head): ummmmmmmmmmmmm 🤔 are you sure?

• When was the last time you hit me up?
• When was the last time we’ve hung out?
• Do you know anything about me?
• Did you even wish me a happy birthday?

You sure do have some loose lips.

Bye.

If you find yourself in a similar situation like myself, I want you to implement the following (by writing this, I am also preaching to the choir, and thus promise to also inhale the following):

1. Lower your expectations of people. — Sad to say, but no one in life other than your significant other/spouse owes you anything (and this is only because you both ultimately solidified a spiritual and emotional agreement when you chose to be together). No one. Do not hold anyone to a standard; you will always become hurt and dissapointed. If you need something done, and there is no one beside you, pray on it, use your resources, and just do it yourself.
2. Say “no”. Without explanations. — Stop giving details and telling Dr. Seuss stories when declining. STAWP! It is not their business to know! If you don’t feel like going to the party, then don’t go! This goes for relationships, too: If you’re too tired to pick up your girlfriend’s phone call, DON’T PICK UP. Your true person will understand.
3. Reciprocate. — Sweetie, if someone aint calling/texting/Facetiming you, put yo phone DEEEOOOWNNN. Do not sweat people who are NOT sweating you. Everyone is busy, I get it, but evidently: people will always make time for who/what they want to make time for; it’s just human nature. Feed everyone the same energy they are feeding you.
4. Pay yourself first. — Limit your generosity. You have bills to pay: make sure your financial non-negotiables are taken are of first before you take Sally to a $300 rooftop dinner at Del Frisco’s. Also consider your desires: if it is imperative for you to have some you-time, budget that in, too. Your friends are NOT your kids: you have no financial ties to them. They come last on your money to-do’s. Sorry not sorry.
5. Be logical. — Sometimes, you have to use your mind before your heart.
6. Know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. — Both are ok to have in your life, but just be mindful of where the relationship stands. If you even have to question it, that aint cho’ frand honey.
7. REALIZE THAT GOD IS YOUR ONLY BEST FRIEND. — You are allowed to have “close friends” in life, but there is no such thing as a best friend. No debate. Unless your friend is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent, drop the “best” and use a different adjective.

EPI DATS ET.