I don’t know what I’m doing with my life!
And I think I should know. In between the drive to do something, be someone, create something and the fear of laziness, failure, poverty and wastefulness there is a desire to escape it all.
Free of tension.
Free to be.
To be what?
That is the problem. I face a blank canvas. Every day. And that is scary. I work for myself. I am programmed with the need to be achieving, doing, producing, creating, making money. But now I don’t know what to do. A rabbit in the headlights.
There are times I do know what to do. Routine. I know when to get my daughter ready for school and pick her up. I know when to buy food from the supermarket and cook a meal. I know when to respond to texts and emails. I know when to respond to requests for my time and fill my calendar. I know when to check train times, check prices and order things on Amazon.
I often get distracted/entertained by booking holidays, media, podcasts, tv programmes, facebook.
I sometimes know I have to paint, but often get distracted by the above. I sometimes know I have to be still, and breathe. I sometimes know I need to get out in nature. I sometimes feel the urge to write exactly what is going on for me. Like now.
Do I know what to do with my life? Do I have a plan, a goal, a vision? Sometimes I do and sometimes that vision inspires and motivates me and sometimes it doesn’t. Like now.
I want to get somewhere here. A revelation. An “aha” moment. Escape this not knowing.
Maybe life is just random. I am just random. Maybe I just need to stop asking questions and get back to what I do know (as above). But that doesn’t feel enough to me. I want to know why I am sitting here, writing this, and what I am doing with my life.
My decisions come from my conscious and unconscious beliefs about how life should be. Today I should be productive (after all, it is Tuesday and not the weekend or evening), I should know what to do, I should be writing a blog. Aha, that’s why I’m here. I should be writing a blog to get my business known. The business that I am so unclear about.
I want clarity. Clarity is good. Clarity, direction, purpose, focus. I don’t have it.
What if I could be comfortable in the unknown, the unclear, the confusion, in the possibility of being seen as a failure, no clients, no real business, no direction?
A quite voice tells me “One thing you do know is that you don’t know much”. And so I am reminded that ultimately we do not know most things. As Einstein said “The more I learn, the more I realise I do not know”. (But surely he knew what to do everyday?) I only see a tiny snippet of the possible. Anyone who makes out that they always know are likely ignorant and/or full of bullshit. And somehow that is a great relief.
Life is a mystery. Life is messy.
So, is this my “aha” moment? To be at ease not knowing? To feel good about myself, in spite of where I’m at and how others might judge me? To feel the infinite wonder of life? To stand on top of a mountain with awe at the wonder of nature and my insignificance in it? And breathe.
But that’s all a bit hippyish…you can get lost in all that, Sarah. You need to be doing, practical, focussed to get on in life. My two voices again. Tension.
There’s also an even quieter voice telling me to “just do it”. Get out. Find that mountain. Breathe. Be in awe. Trust. Let go of knowing. And that is what I am going to do.
