Love Will Find A Way
Give it time. Love always finds a way.
Last night marked another milestone for me in my recovery & healing journey. Gratitude warms my heart when I reflect on how my broken past is healing and has led me to this moment.
Even before my active addiction, I was disconnected from my children. I chose to spend more time with my then-husband, or at work compared to them. I didn’t realize the harm I had inflicted on them then.
When I was forced into recovery, I told myself to beat my drug addiction for them (my children).
Post-rehab, I gathered my scattered children (a pair living with their father and the other two with their paternal grandparents) and began trying to live as a single parent.
Needless to say, my eldest didn’t want anything to do with me. He was vocal about me having abandoned him at a young age. Nothing is going to change. He had built a wall so tall to protect his fragile heart and shut me out completely.
That confession of his broke my heart. I was hit by a tsunami of emotions consisting mostly of guilt, shame, and remorse.
Having time to work on my own struggles and mental issues, I learned to take a step back and allow all the feelings to surface. To understand what I had been through and what my children were still going through. We were all very fragile, hurt, and broken.
I finally understood that while I didn’t agree with my son, I didn’t have the right to deny his reality. I began to acknowledge his past experience. And I apologized for my part of it. I told him that I cannot change the past. What’s done is done.
I shared with him that forgiving me and the past was more for his sake than mine. It will bring him peace. And I left it at that.
I told myself that he needed some space to process it all. Healing is a personal journey. It cannot be rushed.
In the meantime, I told myself to continue being there for him. To love him. To be patient with him. And to not expect his forgiveness or love in return. But to always keep the door open for when he finally comes around.
That was two years ago.
It’s rare, but when Noah calls from boarding school, I know it’s because he misses all of us at home.
Last night, he made a call.
He wanted to continue a family tradition we had started of hatching eggs on Roblox together. It’s a silly thing we did once or twice before together as a family. The fact that he remembered already squeezes my heart.
I put him on speaker and gathered his sister with all our gadgets. The four of us girls in the room and Noah on speaker.
It was such a heartwarming sight for me. All of us cracking jokes, playing together, poking fun at each other, and role-playing in the game. To be a connected family. We played for two hours, way past our bedtime (due to the time difference between continents).
I could never have imagined this two years ago.
How broken we all were individually.
All the hurt that had been inflicted on all of us.
Look at us now. Slowly mending, strengthening our bridge, closing the gap, and healing together.
Give it time.
Patience.
Forgiveness.
LOVE always finds a way.
