Why We Quit The Right Relationship:
Even When You Find The Right Partner, It Can Go Wrong
Relationships are the cornerstone of human experience, providing us with companionship, support, and a sense of belonging.
The notion of the “right relationship” suggests a partnership that feels harmonious, supportive, and fulfilling.
However, even when a relationship seems “right” on the surface, many of us find ourselves walking away.
The phenomenon of quitting what appears to be a healthy and promising relationship is both perplexing and common.
There are multifaceted reasons why we quit the right relationship from — emotional, psychological, and societal factors that influence our decisions.
The Illusion of Perfection
The Grass is Greener Syndrome
One common reason for ending a seemingly ideal relationship is the belief that something better might be out there — a phenomenon often referred to as the “grass is greener” syndrome.
This mindset can be fueled by the plethora of options available in the modern dating world, amplified by dating apps and social media.
The perception that others are experiencing more fulfilling relationships, leads to doubts about our own and a belief that we are cheating ourselves out of ultimate happiness can lead to one searching for the “illusive one” that will offer this ultimate happiness.
The Pressure of Perfection
Another aspect of the illusion of perfection is the pressure to maintain an ideal image.
Society often sets high expectations for relationships, suggesting that true love should be effortless and perpetually blissful.
This unrealistic standard can cause individuals to abandon relationships at the first sign of conflict or dissatisfaction, mistaking normal challenges for signs that the relationship is not meant to be.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that “individuals with a “destiny” mindset — who believe that relationships are either meant to be or not — are more likely to end relationships when faced with difficulties, compared to those with a “growth” mindset who view challenges as opportunities to strengthen the relationship”.
Fear of Vulnerability
The Risk of Emotional Exposure
Being in a committed relationship requires a level of emotional vulnerability that can be daunting.
For some, the fear of being truly seen and potentially hurt can be a significant barrier. This fear can lead individuals to sabotage or prematurely end relationships that are otherwise healthy and fulfilling.
Attachment Styles
Our attachment styles, formed in early childhood, play a crucial role in how we approach relationships.
Those with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with intimacy and fear dependency, leading them to end relationships preemptively to maintain their independence.
According to attachment theory, “individuals with avoidant attachment styles are likely to distance themselves emotionally and physically from their partners as a defense mechanism”.
This behavior often results in the dissolution of relationships, even when they are with compatible partners.
The Desire for Self-Discovery
The Need for Independence
In our journey of self-discovery, the need for independence and personal growth can sometimes conflict with the demands of a relationship.
Individuals may feel that staying in a relationship, even a good one, might limit their ability to explore their own identity and pursue personal goals.
A friend of mine, Jenna, was in a loving relationship with Mark.
However, Jenna had always dreamt of traveling the world and pursuing a career in international journalism.
While Mark was supportive, Jenna felt that staying in the relationship would mean compromising her dreams. After much contemplation, she decided to end the relationship to follow her passion. Although it was a difficult decision, Jenna felt that she needed to prioritize her own growth and experiences.
The Quest for Self-Fulfillment
Sometimes, people leave relationships to find deeper self-fulfillment.
This pursuit can stem from a desire to explore new interests, change careers, or even undergo personal transformation.
The right relationship at one point in life may not align with an individual’s evolving aspirations and needs.
A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that individuals often leave relationships not because they are dissatisfied with their partner but because they seek personal growth and new experiences that the relationship might constrain.
Misalignment of Life Goals
Diverging Paths
As life progresses, partners may find their goals and priorities diverging.
What once seemed like a perfect match can become a source of conflict if both individuals have different visions for the future.
This misalignment can lead to the end of a relationship, even if there is still love and respect between the partners.
The Timing Factor
Timing plays a crucial role in relationships.
Sometimes, two people can be perfect for each other, but the timing of their lives is off.
External factors such as career opportunities, personal crises, or family obligations can create insurmountable barriers, leading to the end of the relationship.
Research has shown that timing and external circumstances significantly impact relationship stability.
A study in the Journal of Social Psychology found that couples who faced major life stressors, such as job loss or illness, were more likely to break up, regardless of the quality of their relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be can lead to dissatisfaction and, ultimately, the decision to end it.
When individuals hold idealized views of romance and partnership, they may become disillusioned when reality doesn’t match their expectations.
The Impact of Past Experiences
Past relationship experiences can heavily influence our expectations and behavior in current relationships.
Individuals who have experienced trauma or betrayal may carry those scars into new relationships, causing them to end promising partnerships out of fear or mistrust.
The Influence of External Factors
Societal and Cultural Pressures
Societal and cultural expectations can exert significant pressure on individuals to conform to certain relationship norms.
These pressures can influence decisions about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, even if it feels right on a personal level.
Peer Influence
The opinions and advice of friends and family can also impact relationship decisions.
While seeking advice from loved ones is natural, their perspectives may not always align with what is best for the individuals involved in the relationship.
Emotional Burnout
The Weight of Emotional Labor
Relationships require emotional labor, which involves managing one’s own emotions and supporting a partner’s emotional needs.
Over time, this labor can lead to emotional burnout, especially if the distribution of effort is uneven.
Emotional exhaustion can drive individuals to end relationships that they once valued deeply.
The Impact of Chronic Stress
Chronic stress from external sources, such as demanding jobs, financial struggles, or health issues, can strain even the strongest relationships.
When both partners are overwhelmed by stress, their capacity to support each other diminishes, potentially leading to the end of the relationship.
The decision to leave a seemingly right relationship is often multifaceted, influenced by a combination of personal, emotional, and external factors.
Understanding these can help individuals make more informed choices about their relationships and foster greater empathy for themselves and their partners.
Relationships are dynamic and ever-evolving.
What might seem like the right relationship at one point in life may not remain so as circumstances and individuals change.
The key is to recognize that it’s okay to prioritize personal growth, address fears and insecurities, and acknowledge when a relationship no longer aligns with one’s life goals and values.
Ultimately, quitting the right relationship is not a failure but a step towards finding a path that resonates more deeply with one’s authentic self.
Through embracing the journey of self-discovery and growth, individuals can cultivate relationships that are not only right but also enduringly fulfilling.
