7 Phrases That Make a Huge Difference in Your Child’s Confidence
#3 being the most pertinent in today’s time
Jennie drops the jar of cookies.
“Can’t you ever do anything right”?
“What is wrong with you”?
Or
“Oh ho, that sure is a lot of work. Please come and help Mommy pick these up. And promise you will be careful next time.”
“That is a big mess, but Mommy knows it happened by mistake. Next time, let’s be careful, okay? Come on, let’s clean this up now.”
Which one of the sentences would you like to hear if you are Jennie? No brainer, right?
And which ones would your child want to hear? Still, need me to say it out loud?
We communicate through our responses and conversations. But when it comes to children, there needs to be a certain consciousness in what we say because a child’s brain is not fully equipped to process the exact thing which is being communicated. It can have different connotations. It can be interpreted in many ways.
For example, you have done a bad thing, and you are a bad boy are two different phrases. One speaks about the act, and the other speaks about the person.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says:
Nurturing a child by understanding their needs and responding sensitively helps to protect children’s brains from stress.
The point to which I want to draw attention is responding sensitively.
Our daily responses play a crucial role in the child’s understanding of self and the world. So, it becomes imperative to be aware of what we tell our kids.
You are special in your own way.
My daughter had worked really hard for a dance competition which she did not win. Surely, she was dejected. As she sat quietly beside me, my heart was feeling heavy. I wished she would have won. All parents want everything to fall right into their kids’ laps, but we also know that is not how it is.
I just held her hand and said- I know you had worked so hard, but she(the winner) would have worked harder. You should clap for her. Everyone has that one thing which they are good at. You have to find that and work on it.
That did not cheer her up, but she clapped for the winner.
Every child is special in their own unique way. This needs to be established with those tiny beautiful minds. They need to believe in this to overcome their shortcomings and take failings in their stride. It ensures that the child doesn’t develop insecurities.
And doesn’t run or follow around people he thinks perfect. He believes that he can carve his own path and that the same will be perfect and beautiful the way it is.
Can you please help me out with this?
Be truthful. Doesn't it feel nice when someone asks us for our opinion or advice about something? Something to help arrive at a decision. It is because we feel important about ourselves. It strengthens our self-esteem.
Similarly, a simple question like- can you help me decide which one will look better with this, or should I do the dishes first or dusting? It makes a child feel important. There is a tinge of pride when an adult is asking for advice.
Again, it depends on the age of the child. The query has to be of some meaning to the child. For my ten-year-old, I ask her to help me make purchase decisions. And most important part, take the advice and act on it. Only then it actually translates into boosting their confidence. When you ask and don’t act upon it, it gives a contrary message- you are not capable of making good decisions. So, bear this in mind.
Give options that you can pick from.
Give it a try. It’s okay if you fail.
As parents, it becomes necessary to encourage our children to explore unchartered waters and try new things. In a drastically changing world every minute, they will be exposed to different challenges in their later years, which will fall outside their comfort zone.
The mindset to adapt to changes should start with small steps.
And the fear of failure needs to be nibbed at an early stage. Reiterating the fact that failure is just part of life makes them more comfortable to try new things.
I think there is a heightened need to talk about failure more than success today. Childhood is the perfect age to start. A child needs to experience failure and take it in its stride as an event, not a part of his personality. Handling success is necessary, but handling failure is crucial because many minds have succumbed to it.
You did your best. That’s what counts.
You are getting better and better.
Every effort needs to be appreciated. Notice them and acknowledge them. A smile, a pat, an expression of surprise, and a simple wow- all have the capacity to convey the message — keep going.
A positive reinforcement from an elder that he is getting better in a particular thing makes the child pursue it more. We adults, too, need that. True for every human being. It just has to be a little more frequent and obvious for the kids.
A word of caution. Please don’t overdo it. Exclamatory praises like — You are the best, you are beyond comparison, and sorts would make it difficult for them to accept anyone else excelling in something. It questions the very belief they have grown up with: I am the best. It creates a delusionary environment where the child has proclaimed himself the best and cannot handle any other alternative.
No matter what, I love you.
Unconditional love. That is what parents offer, and that needs to be vocalized. The power of knowing that someone loves me, no matter where I am, how I am, or who I am, is a great pillar of support, especially when the wind doesn’t blow in one’s favor.
There are times when the child falters. No matter what, he needs to understand that the way he chooses was not the right one. But after all, that has been made clear. It is crucial to say out loud — Just know, I still love you. In other words, I am not judging you for this incident.
Another time this needs to be stated is when you are trying to discipline the kids. There would be an abundance of hatred towards you( you see, kids have extreme emotions) and a deduction that maybe you also hate him for which you have abandoned him( yes, the drama exists). Saying out loud that the punishment is just a repercussion of something not acceptable and that you still feel just one thing for him-love. He needs to segregate both.
Even though you feel the same, telling aloud makes the difference because children need to understand.
You are so much better than me when I was your age.
My daughter beams when she hears this. I would tell her — I wish I were this good at this, or I could talk like this.
A small brain processes the statement something like this- Oh, mama was not this good when she was my age. I am better than her!
In a way, it motivates her to put more effort into the thing she is being applauded for. It helps her build more confidence. Feels good about herself. She strives towards hearing more such things.
Are you scared? It’s perfectly okay.
Even I am, at times.
Children need to know that no-one is perfect. There is no perfect way to be. Each one of us feels weak at some point, and that’s okay.
Are you crying? What will everyone say? Quick, wipe off the tears and give me a smile.
You shouldn’t be scared. You are a brave girl.
These are innocuous statements. But a child’s brain interprets it differently. For a child, it means I should never cry in front of anyone and that I should never say I am scared, else I will be taken as cowering, and that these are unwanted qualities.
And in the pursuit of being the best, expressing oneself becomes dormant.
Parting thoughts
Children read and interpret sentences in a very literal manner. They do not understand anything otherwise, i.e., the figurative manner of a speech.
So, our words need to be explicit. And convey the exact thing we meant to say.
Be generous with your words.
A child is an investment. By humankind — for a better future, a better tomorrow.
Each word has its impact on that tiny brain. It is upon us to decide what to choose. A word that leaves a scar or a word that feels like a comforting touch. That will shape his mind and his future.
Hence, choose wisely.
