A note to the absentee parents of the world
Acknowledging the impacts of an absent parent, overcoming the guilt, and finding the words I never had the courage to say.
Growing up with two parents in the household was not the norm growing up. Hell, even one parent in the household was not a constant in my life. The sad truth is that this is not the norm for a large percentage of the kids in our population.
A quick google search will show you that 32 percent of children live in a single-parent household and over 400,000 kids are in foster care. As a kid who spent some years in the system — this number is not so shocking.
I was lucky because they kept my siblings and me together, at least that is what everyone told us — we were lucky. The not so lucky part about that is how often you move because nobody wants three kids added to their already full household. Black plastic trash bags become your best friend when you move that often because they carry all of your belongings. It becomes a habit to save that trashbag, folded in your drawer so that you are ready for the next move. You don’t want the added inconvenience of asking for a new one.
It’s funny because as an adult, I hear people pity foster kids who have to move with their belongings in trash bags — like that’s what we are worried about when we are being moved from house to house.
Another point of luck for me and my siblings was that we made it out. We had one parent who got their sh*t together long enough to prove to the judge that we were in good hands. A proud moment for my dad and us.
When you are used to having zero parents, getting one back is great and you learn to forgive all the times you waited in the CYFD visiting center for parents that never showed up, the number of moves you endured, the fact that you were forced to grow up too fast, learning to be the protector/parent for your younger siblings when you should’ve been protected yourself, and all the unspeakable things that happen in between.
Okay, maybe not forgive but definitely forget.
Eventually, you learn to compartmentalize and bury the years that you’d rather forget, and as the memories fade, forgiveness comes. That is forgiveness for the parent that fought for you if that card is even in your favor.
My dad being the superstar that he is, took on the motherly role as best he could. He wasn’t much for girl talk and pillow fights, but he definitely raised some strong-willed and resilient girls.
I can’t remember a time that I wished my mother was there because he did a great job of making us feel whole. Being the oldest, I kind of assumed the role of mom when it was necessary and became the confidant my dad needed when the girls required guidance.
Somehow through all of that, I forgot that I also needed guidance, but having an absentee mother was the norm. So I didn’t really mind filling that void with other things. I compensated by being overambitious in everything I did and always pushing forward. Literally always looking forward, wanting more, thinking I needed to be better, and chasing the next big thing at every opportunity.
It sounds like being an overachiever is a straight path to success, but it was actually pretty lonely and was filled with failures. That feeling that there is always something else, always something more, or that I could be working harder is exhausting. When I reached my twenties, about halfway through college, I realized how self-destructive that was.
Hitting that realization forced me to take a break and to breathe. To reflect on the craziness that had been my life and realize that I still had a lot of time to change who I was and not be forever forged by the impacts of my absentee mother.
Though those experiences will always be a part of me, they do not define me and they are not my fault. This is the hardest lesson that a child who has endured the absence of a parent has to learn and it’s a tough pill to swallow.
So, what exactly are the impacts of an absentee parent? Let’s talk about a few
1.) Overcompensating
There is no ample explanation to give a child about why their parent left them. It doesn’t matter if they were struggling with drug addiction, depression, having an affair, etc. All the child knows is that they left and they put the blame on themselves.
We believe that the only plausible explanation is that we are not enough. That feeling sets in deep and seeps into every aspect of life, even if we are unaware. Overcompensating becomes a coping method that we often use to ignore our feelings and emotions.
2.) Emotional Turmoil
You can imagine how twisted your emotions get when you are fighting feelings of being inadequate, dealing with the fact that your parent(s) left, and all the frustrations in between. Emotions become this scary, very messy, and often avoided subject.
For me, all of this manifested itself in anxiety and I’m talking anxiety from hell. I became super avoidant of any emotion and basically let my anxiety rule my life. The number of anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns I had on the floor of my closet growing up is actually embarrassing. I can’t be the only one who sought clarity on the floor of a messy closet…
3.) Relationship disasters
This is where we experience major trust issues, people! Trust issues and either building huge walls that take years to tear down or a very unhealthy level of dependency in relationships — and not only romantic relationships. These issues also trickle into every other type of relationship.
For me, it was the wall. It feels like the wall is protecting you so you keep it up and when people try to get closer, you add a couple of layers. It worked for a good 20 years or so, but when it came crashing down I had a lot of baggage to deal with that I wasn’t — and still am not — ready to unpack. The only way to get through it is one day at a time.
4.) The Guilt
Okay, this one gets to me the most. Anyone who grew up without a parent knows the feeling of guilt, and sometimes shame, that comes with being left by a parent. It all goes back to the feeling that it’s our fault, that we are not enough, and something is wrong with us. A completely unfair burden for a child to bear, but somehow our brains trick us into thinking these things on repeat and it doesn’t fade easily.
Perspective
These impacts may seem trivial, but when prolonged over the course of several years it sometimes seems impossible to bounce back. As a kid, these feelings are very real, and they grow stronger as the years pass. For most of us, we never get the opportunity to address our parents. They have this hold over you, so even when you finally see them, it’s impossible to share what you really want or need to say.
So I write this for all the absentee parents of the world, to gain perspective from a left child that still can’t find the courage to speak up.
A note to the absentee parents of the world
We owe you nothing. In our defenseless, innocent, you left us. A selfish decision that, for some, will never be forgiven.
We fought and yearned for you in our younger years because we knew nothing better. But, as the years gained on us, raw emotions became clear and the pain and heartbreak channeled into different areas of our lives. Some of us forgave, some accepted you back, some resisted, and some remain indifferent.
Regardless of the outcome, do not delude on the fact that your absence can never be forgotten. The void may be smaller, but it can’t change the fact that in the countless moments that we needed you, you let us down. We suffered because of your decisions. Decisions that directly impacted us and who we became.
Trust me, it takes years for us to understand that our mistakes don’t define us, that we can change, and be better than what we were left with.
Remember that your place in our lives is not up to you and it is not guaranteed. If we allow you back into our lives, it’s on our terms and it doesn’t erase the absent years. If you pile on guilt as a ruse to be a part of our lives, it will only deepen the scars.
Be remorseful, apologize, share your side, but leave the decision of you entering our lives up to us. You already took that decision away once; don’t make the same mistake.
We love you.
Sometimes, that’s just not enough to get past it all.
So please: respect our decision, don’t impose, and give us time.
Thank you for reading.
