Being an Agnostic stinks!

I’m so JEALOUS of those who believe in something.

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I’m so jealous of those who believe in God. So very, very jealous. I know I’m breaking a commandment by being jealous — which I guess doesn’t really matter since I don’t believe in the ten commandments — but I am jealous of those who do.

I want to be like them. I want to be able to snore peacefully at night, cozily ensconced in the security of a benevolent God that is looking out for my well-being. How nice to be able to pray fervently when my plane hits turbulence and I’m bouncing up and down trying not to vomit. Instead, I must count sheep or pop some Xanax.

I desperately want to believe that there is a point to all of this, that the suffering and inhumanity I am surrounded with daily is not in vain. I would not need anger management therapy if I could believe that a certain orange politician with a white home will get hit with karma one day.

I want to know that there is a happy fairy tale ending for all of us when we’re done. I want to go to a place where everyone knows my name and they’re always glad I came. I’ll pass on the 72 virgins, but the harps and honey sound nice.

I’m so jealous of Theists and the comfort of their faith.

I’m also jealous of Atheists. I’m jealous of the ones who are certain that there is no God and are free to enjoy life at the moment, in its fullest glory. Not that the rest of us cannot, but there is a certain liberation that comes from not worrying about an afterlife or a better place and being able to just concentrate on the here and now. I wish I knew with thundering certainty that there is no higher power or planned design and that all the chaos in this world was just that — random chaos.

If I could be a pure Atheist, one of the first things I would do is give my poor, fatigued brain a rest and run wild and naked in the sun, or pursue other such sensory pleasures. (Yes, I know this is not what Atheists do, they can be very restrained and moral people, but I can’t help but visualize wanton stripper parties when thinking of them.)

If I were an Atheist, I would stop reading and thinking so much and simply BE. As you can see from this article, I philosophize and write a lot, and boy does it get tiring at times! My mind could use a break.

I imagine I would still be sad at seeing the atrocities surrounding me in the world, but I would be able to take it much more in stride as a random lottery of life and making the most of the cards that I have been dealt. Rather than feel frantic at the thought of possibly being reincarnated into a tortured, caged chicken like the one I ate for lunch, I might simply shrug off meat-eating as part of a food chain at which I sit on the top.

I know I should be able to be and do whatever I want, regardless of my beliefs or lack thereof. I should eat vegetarian out of compassion rather than fear of negative karma. I should be able to feel secure and comforted and also liberated and light like Theists and Atheists if I truly wanted to. Happiness is in the mind and all that jazz.

But as an Agnostic, I’ll admit that I am in a constant state of turmoil. I’m not confused to the point that I can’t function on a daily basis. I’m highly productive and goal-oriented for the most part and on the surface, I look like any normal human being. However, my actions and motivation are always colored by a dollop of doubt as to the reason for my existence.

Because we do not have the comfort and faith of a Theist or the certainty and liberation of an Atheist, we Agnostics are stuck somewhere in no man’s land, unsure of what to believe. Many label us “confused” or too chicken to commit to a stance. They accuse us of taking the easy way out by not choosing a “team”.

I think WE are the sane and logical ones, it’s the Theists and Atheists who seem a bit crazy to me, being sure of something that no one can really prove either way. How can you be so strong in a particular belief and then condemn the other side for being so sure of their belief, when neither of you has proof?

I think the most sensible thing is to be an Agnostic. It’s also the most turbulent and draining. Peace of mind can often be elusive as my needle swings back and forth between the two extremes.

I wish I could pick a side, but my sense of logic and skepticism dictate otherwise. There is no doubt, being an Agnostic stinks! But I have no choice.