Dealing with Anger Doesn’t Solve the Problem

Sometimes we need to quickly extinguish the fire; forget the smoke.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I think people who don’t really analyze their anger can sometimes handle anger-inducing problems better than ones who do. They may express it inappropriately, but they quickly get away from it, allowing them to shift their focus to tackling the actual problem.

Of course, being able to deal with anger is crucial as it prevents us from stepping out of our bounds. Handling anger properly, neither by expressing it nor burying it, but by accepting and talking through it with compassion, is essential in staying neutral and keeping our heads cool so it won’t crack when it’s time to face the actual problem.

But sometimes, when we’re trying too hard to deal with anger, it ends up polluting our view, confusing us, and halting us from tackling the problem. It’s because dealing with anger itself is its own challenge that we cannot underestimate.

Separating Anger from the Problem

Oftentimes, the problem behind our anger isn’t that complicated, and feelings such as anger by themselves aren’t untameable. It is the mix of the two, with each having a different (and perhaps opposing) approach to analyze and reconcile, can only then overwhelm us. We cannot tackle the two as a whole; it is too confusing and complex.

Only after we separate the anger from the physical problem, can we at last deal with each of them properly, at the right time.

Sometimes, we have to deal with the problem first before working through our feelings: a good emergency doctor cannot wait for her anger towards herself for past failures to drive away before making a decision in a pinch of time. It isn’t her ability to not feel, rather, the ability to separate what’s urgent: objectivity and cool-headed decision making; from what’s currently bothersome: complicated feelings; at the right time, that makes her a good doctor.

Our Fears

Separating anger and the core problem may mean detaching from your feelings, a natural aspect of a human, at the expense of fear of stepping out of your expected boundaries — feelings keep you away from doing unexpected things. But, however frightening it is, sometimes it’s the only way to keep your sanity intact.

Sometimes it isn’t our fear of going off-boundary, but our mind’s natural tendency to keep the unfinished task of working on our feelings lingering in our short-term memory, when your problem is more urgent. When that’s the case, just know that the anger is already — or will eventually be — taken care of. Just like how you get worries off by jotting it down into your “think it later” box or something like that.

How to Do It

I think it helps to first acknowledge what are the emotions surrounding a particular problem that we’re facing at the moment, then separate each emotion from the other and, of course, from the physical problem.

If the problem requires some level of urgency, I keep the emotional aspects of it on the back of my mind, then focus on tackling the problem emotionlessly. If the problem isn’t done yet but I start slacking off or feel “easier”, that means I’m up for more “challenge”: I’d let some of the emotions leak into my consciousness just so that it kicks me back to focus.

I seal the emotional leak when I’m on my wheel, reopening it as needed until I make it through.

Takeaway

Our goal isn’t really just to deal with our anger but to also get the physical problem behind it solved. If it takes too much effort or complexity to deal with our anger, better off leaving it for later and just deal with the problem first because sometimes we don’t have time to waste.

Sometimes, we need to put ourselves in the shoes of firefighters who must extinguish the fire before its smoke blinds us.