Sometimes I feel like a fraud: like I don’t deserve some of the very successes I’ve worked so hard for, and that everyone else already miles ahead of me.
Imposter syndrome is real, but not only is it real, but it’s also much more prevalent than you’d think. According to The Journal of Behavioral Science, imposter syndrome impacts more than 70% of the population. But then why does nobody talk about it?
For me, around the time of middle school, I developed a pretty severe inferiority complex. I had some struggles with academics, social anxiety, body image, etc. but nothing that out of the ordinary for an awkward middle schooler. To this day, I’m still not really sure where it came from. Maybe it was the fact that I had to go to ESL classes and didn’t really understand what was going on in elementary school for years, or that I couldn’t stop myself from comparing myself to my peers, but I’ll probably never know.
Honestly, my circumstances have been pretty good (if not ideal) for my entire life. I have amazing, hardworking parents who genuinely cared about my well-being and absolutely supported anything that I wanted to do. I lived in a community that was pretty much a bubble and relatively free from the deeper problems of the world from social, financial, to racial inequality.
I am very fortunate to have been born into this life, but it’s forced me to blame myself for the imposter syndrome. After all, if all of the external variables were top-notch, it must be that I myself am unworthy, incapable, or just plain dumb.
It’s a toxic cycle. For years, my imposter syndrome basically caused me to feel bad about myself regardless of the outcome. I practically always expected the worst, and when I failed in doing something, I would actually feel a sense of validation in that the system works and that it rejected me because I clearly wasn’t good enough. When I did well or succeeded in anything, I would make excuses that something had gone wrong. It basically never really felt like I deserved any of the things I had. When people would congratulate me on anything, I would feel uncomfortable because I felt like I had only succeeded because of luck.
To combat how inferior I felt to everyone around me, I would do one of two things: overwork or give up.
We all know that if you’re behind and need to catch up, you need to work extra hard, whether that means extra hours at the office or training harder on the track. In school, I would do that with courses like English since I always felt at a disadvantage because of my immigrant background, even though I had already reached a point where I wasn’t actually behind at all. You might be thinking, but isn’t it good that you’re working extra hard? The sad reality behind overworking with imposter syndrome is that you will continue to feel inferior no matter how hard you work, and when you’re finally successful, you discredit all of the hard work you put into it.
These feelings of doubt and confusion have been taking a toll on me for years, but I think I’m finally getting to a point where it no longer limits me.
Most of the time though, rather than work really hard to compensate for whatever I thought I was lacking, it was just easier to give up before even trying. I think that the imposter syndrome mindset limited me for a lot of my life. For example, I would constantly run away from challenges and just accept that I wasn’t ever going to be able to accomplish big things.
This might sound insanely cliche, but I truly feel like I finally saw things clearly when I entered college. It wasn’t sudden, it was gradual progress, and I’m still working on it.
Throughout my life, I’ve felt like I wasn’t worthy of a lot of things, some of which, in retrospect, makes no sense now because I know that I’m totally capable of it. Most recently, one of the biggest limiting mindsets I had was that even though I was interested in computer science, I shouldn’t go into the major because I always felt behind even when I wasn’t. There’s a stereotype that CS majors are really smart, good at math, etc. I didn’t really feel like I fit that mold since I wasn’t ever exceptionally good at math or “smart” in general. Furthermore, my boyfriend was really good at programming and was really involved in doing that type of stuff ever since he was really young. And it seemed like everyone else who wanted to go into computer science already had been doing it since they were five. On top of how I didn’t think I was worthy of the major, I just accepted that it was too late for me to start now.
Even though I was meeting the standards I set for myself in my courses, I still had times where I struggled on projects or in understanding material. During those times, I would completely break down and tell myself that I was right and that I couldn’t actually do this. Fortunately, my boyfriend (who in my head is really competent in school) really helped me to realize that I only struggle in learning certain computer science concepts and debugging code because I haven’t been exposed to it as long as he has and that I would be able to pick it up.
Before we had this conversation, I would often feel inferior to him in this part of our relationship, because I had always been asking for help with debugging my code. This was so bad to the point where I felt like I couldn’t understand why he would want to be with someone so dumb. With his help and the help of many of my friends, I understand that our relationship, as well as my relationship with others, is mutual. My friends support me and choose to stay friends with me because they respect me too, just as much as I respect them. In all of my relationships, I help them with their flaws and they help me with mine.
I changed my mindset this year, dramatically. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I was finally able to put myself and all my peers on the same level. I remember when I first entered high school, I was so intimidated by all of the upperclassmen, especially because they all seemed so tall and well-spoken. When I came into college, something clicked, and I was able to look up to and respect people without fearing them. I made a lot of friends with people who inspire me and a lot of upperclassmen who I want to be like.
I also set out to gather tangible advice and feedback. It took me a long time to realize I felt insecure and unworthy because of my imposter syndrome, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I read countless articles about how to feel more confident and how to find self-worth, but they didn’t really offer me anything tangible to think about. This year, when I received an outcome that was negative, like doing poorly on an exam or failing an interview, I would try to reach out and find out what I had done wrong. But that wasn’t the problem most of the time since I understood that there must’ve been some reason I had failed.
When I got a positive outcome, like when I placed first in a business competition or when I got a job, I also made sure to get feedback too. Though it may seem like asking for positive feedback is unnecessary or even selfish, I think it is important for anyone who is experiencing feelings of imposter syndrome to think about what they did well. For me, hearing that I was chosen for a specific role showed me that most of these processes aren’t random and actually require deliberate thought.
TED Talks That Helped Me:
- The Surprising Solution to the Imposter Syndrome
- What I Learned From 100 Days of Rejection
- The Power of Believing You Can Improve
Things I Learned:
- Stereotypes aren’t just wrong, they’re toxic.
- Inspire, don’t compete.
- Relationships with mutual respect >>>
- The education system is flawed and judges everyone by the same few things.
- Everyone is faking it to an extent.
- Fearing failure is kind of, ironically, a fail in itself.
Things To Think About:
- Are you your own worst critic?
- What are you good at?
- How much progress you’ve made.
- Are you limiting yourself?
- What are you afraid of and why?
I’m still working on myself, but I learned that that’s a good thing. We’re all works in progress and we’re all capable of growth, we just need to believe in that process.
