Looking at myself in the mirror I see someone staring back who I don’t quite recognize. The fine lines around my eyes, the tired skin, and the wisps of grey hairs. It’s me. I am getting older.
I miss my youthful glow, bright eyes looking forward to an exciting unknown future and as vain as it may seem I miss my glossy dark hair. Although they have not yet taken over, the silver wiry intruders on my head are very much present and to me they are a symbol of the age.
A reminder that youth is something I cannot get back or relive and I feel ashamed, and to an extent guilty for feeling this way. I am not a shallow person and I believe that beauty is subjective, but this resentment has a pull on me. The truth is it bothers me.
I get paranoid about people staring at my little silver friends when I know deep down that that they probably do not notice or care. I worry about what my boyfriend thinks when we have a hug and I see his eyes gravitate towards the top of my head, the paranoid monster in me immediately jumps to the conclusion that he is judging my hair.
I shouldn’t let it get to me and I am more annoyed with myself mentally than upset about the physical aspect of aging. I am still young and more important I am healthy, and I need to accept this new chapter of my life.
Working on being comfortable in your own skin is not easy and the signs of aging are inevitable unless you are graced with amazing genes or know a first-class plastic surgeon! But when I stop and step back to think if I would go under the knife, I don’t think I could, even if I had the money to do so.
I am not saying I will stop going to the salon to touch up my hair but anything more permanent seems exactly that, permanent.
So, for now my relationship with my grey hair can only be described as unstable, it makes me anxious and hovers over me like a dark cloud but occasionally there is light through those clouds.
Some days I completely forget, and it is not an issue, other days I actively try and avoid any mirrors as I know I will not like what I see. For some people this may seem like a small hill but finding acceptance is my mountain and one which I intend to climb gracefully and successfully!
