He is gone
Lessons from a bereaved friend. What can we possibly learn?
Death and birth encountered.
It was my birthday, and I was woken up by what I thought was a loving call from a friend. It was actually some of the worse and saddest conversations I ever had.
My best friend lost her brother. He was young, full of dreams. On his nightstand was his wedding list. In the bank, savings from years and years that would be used to open his own business. He was the kindest person I know. He had the soul of a child, braveness of a warier, and the knowledge of a senior.
It is sad to think about how short his life was. I saw how powerless we are. Nobody could have done anything. But how about the people who stayed? Who were left here, like his sister? Could I help her go through the most challenging moment of her life?
It turns out she helped me more than I helped her. With her grieving, she taught me valuable lessons that I now share with you.
Mourning people want to talk
We talk about having a healthier life when we have unhealthy habits. We only talk about that because there is a chance of changing. You can start a new diet, exercise more often, and take care of your mental health.
How about death? Can we go back in time and make the deceased alive again? No. So we think it is not worth talking about it and that the less we say, the better. We believe that by changing the topic, we make the grieving person forget about their loss. But that is not even close to what happens and what they want.
Sometimes all that mourning people want is to talk about their beloved one who passed. They want to make that person alive again in a conversation. It is like talking will make him/her present. Reminding about the characteristics and stories immortalizes the person who is no longer there.
So, let mourning people talk. If they bring the name of the person who passed, ask questions, tell stories and make their memory travel to where their thoughts are. Let them put out their emotion and their tears. You might even see some smiles because many fond memories will arise.
Their biggest fear
This lesson is tied to the last one, and I learned it the hard way.
We invited my friend for dinner. In our mind, that night was an attempt to make her forget about her deceased brother. We made her favorite meal, bought board games, and even had some comedy movies under our sleeves to make that event fun.
The worst happened. In the first thirty minutes, when we just sat at the table to have dinner, she said, “my brother once tried to cook me this dish, and he burned it all!”. She was the only one who laughed. We felt so bad that we could not react, so an awkward silence took place.
After that, during the two hours we spent together, she brought her brother up twice again. Once more, we were not prepared, so there was no response to her comments or stories. At some point, we noticed she was uncomfortable, and soon enough, she asked to leave. We felt terrible! What have we done? We thought we had planned a night that reminded her so much of him that she could not stand. But we were wrong.
After a while, she told me her biggest fear as a grieving sister. She was afraid her brother would be forgotten. She did not want people to live their lives as he didn’t exist because he was alive in every single thing she did or said. He is part of her story, and she wanted everyone to remember that. And that is all she desired that night, to talk about him and share loving stories.
So that is why I highlight the importance of talking about who passed. If the person says something about him/her, she wants to talk about that beloved one who must not be forgotten.
Death changes lives
My friend is a new person now. Not because she is sad or depressed. She continued her life and learned how to move on. But she has changed in many aspects.
She is more empathic now. She feels everyone's affliction in higher intensity. Losing someone may be one of the most intense pain someone can feel, but she still finds discernment to understand that everyone is fighting their own battles.
She wants to be a better person. As a Catholic, she believes her brother is in heaven. By being kinder, she understands she will end there too. She wants to be with her brother again, so she is improving herself to meet him in the future.
Do not expect your friend to be the same. Lossing someone causes a massive impact on everyone’s lives. Image finishing a puzzle and realizing there is a piece missing? Isn’t that frustrating? Now imagine missing someone who is never coming back. Embrace your friend’s new self and be there for him/her.
The taboo
Talking about death is taboo. Even after this tough past year. 2020 was a hard one, full of deaths caused by COVID-19. I dare you to watch TV for a day and not hear the words “died" or “deaths.”
As sad as it can be, we have to face it. Deaths are numbers on the news. Little or almost nothing had been said about people who are grieving. Most of the time, they display people suffering to raise awareness about the pandemic. I am not saying that is wrong, but how are these people coping with their losses? Why does nobody talk about their mourning process?
“Death is a delicate issue," they say. It sure is. I also understand people deal with grieving in their own ways. Maybe some people will read this text and won’t relate to these lessons. But how will we know if we don’t share our experiences?
I have never had a significant loss in my life, and for that, I am grateful. So why am I writing this story? Because just like me, there are thousands of people out there that have never had this horrifying experience. But one day, God forbids them, they may need to comfort a friend or themselves.
Even though it is rare, I can see people opening their hearts on social media. Finally, something good came from these channels! Enough about “perfect lives” and “flawless people." We need real stories. We need lessons from personal experiences.
My friend changed that on me. Death is not taboo in my life anymore. I wish I hadn’t learned that the hard way, watching her suffering and feeling powerless. But as I can not rewind time, I hope I am making it a little “less hard" for you, my dear reader.
I hope you never need those lessons, but they were worth being shared if you ever do.
As death is one of the only certainties in life, why don’t we talk about it? Let’s share experiences. Let mourning people express their feelings and thoughts to learn how to deal with such hard times.
There is nothing wrong with admitting we don’t know what to say or act when someone passes. Be humble, be present and be kind. Don’t let death be a taboo anymore.
