How Do You Answer “How Are You?”

It’s supposed to be a simple question, but I had a really tough time trying to find the perfect answer!

Photo by Eunice Lituañas on Unsplash

“How are you?” I’m sure you must have received this question frequently, if it’s not in English, then it’s in your native language. In my case, it would be “Apa Kabar?” in Indonesian.

I rarely use the phrase “Apa Kabar?” when I was still living in Indonesia — for 25 years of my life. I didn’t use this to greet people who I first met, those who I meet often, or even my family and relatives who I only meet once a year. The only time I’ll use this is with acquaintances who I haven’t met in a long time. I’ll ask because I really want to know how they’ve been doing. There’s a real intention behind it.

But since I moved to my current job a year ago, the question ‘how are you?’ has been used so often and casually, it just comes out naturally from my mouth now. It has become my template to start any kind of conversation that I started to wonder, why I‘ve only been using this phrase now and what’s actually the best answer to one of the most commonly asked questions in human interaction.

So. Much. Pressure!

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On the first week at my new job —at a U.S. based company with English as the primary language used at work., I was culture-shocked by the bombarding “how are you?” asked me by different people in every meeting. I was trying to rationalize that maybe because it’s our first time meeting, but then the same person who I met before still asked how I was in another meeting an hour later! I was like, “Wait, has this person already forgotten who I am?”

It’s not that I don’t know how to answer that question. It’s the first thing I was taught when I started learning conversational English. “Hello! My name is Gunawan, I’m 8 years old. How are you?”, to answer that, “I’m fine, thank you, and you?”. It’s the awkwardness after, which makes me uncomfortable.

Here are the literal words that came to my mind after saying “I’m fine!”: “Wait, is she looking for a longer answer? Do I need to tell a more interesting story to satisfy her curiosity about who I really am as a fellow human being? Quick, think of something unique! There must be amazing kinds of stuff that happened today? *Recalling* The lunch was okay, my inbox was normal, didn’t achieve anything extraordinary. No! I’ve failed her!!!” — while at the same time saying, “… Yes, I’m okay, yeah, nothing special happened, it’s just a normal day, hmm, yup, nothing, how about you?”

I could clearly see my colleague trying to maintain her smile while patiently waiting for me to finish my answer…

This question was rarely asked within my circles that I was feeling pressure to give a more thoughtful answer that could bring additional value to the person who asked. I thought of the question as something serious, because the person really wanted to know how I was doing. If not, why would she ask me, she could just skip it and went straight to our meeting agenda, right?

It’s called being friendly.

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I was trying so hard to give a more thoughtful answer that there was a period where I kept sharing the obstacles I found in my work that day. For some reason, my brain only suggested negative stuff — maybe it’s because I was stressed out that week and I saw it as a quick therapy. I quickly dropped it because I felt I was complaining all the time. Not really an image I wanted people to associate me with.

I never expected that such a simple question can be so troubling for me to adapt. To reduce the feeling of discomfort of having to give an informative answer, I spent a minute before attending any meetings to recall my day and selected a story to share. Amazing, I know.

After doing this a few times, I still didn’t know if I was giving the right answer. I decided to just ask my colleague directly, “Hey, I’m wondering when you ask how I am, what kind of answers do you expect? Is it a short “I’m fine”, or how I’m really feeling? I’m not used to being asked this question and I’m not sure how to properly answer it”. I could tell she was flustered by my question.

“You can answer with anything you want! You can just say that you’re fine, share what you did on the weekend, or even just complaining. How are you? How’s your day been? It’s not a serious question, it’s just an act of being friendly to people.” The pressure was lifted and I was so relieved that I have one less thing to worry about!

There are no wrong answers!

It’s so difficult to answer “how are you?” because of its open-ended-ness. There’s no specific direction or goal that you can adjust your answers to. In the culture that I grew up in, this type of question is so uncommon. Nobody asks such a casual but intimate, straight to your mind and soul question. You only ask really specifically about something and you really seek for the ‘right’ answer. But then again, the open-ended-ness is what makes it interesting!

Here are my tips to help you answer “how are you?”:

• The ‘Weather’: This is the most common answer that people give. Just look out the window and that’s your answer! “I’m fine! The weather is pretty nice today, it’s so sunny, I love it!”
• The ‘Location’: Do a little bit of research and just state the location and the time of the day they are in. “I’m fine! Oh, you’re in Tokyo right, it must still be pretty early there!”
• The ‘Current Trend’: Talk about what’s currently trending in the world right now. “I’m fine! How’s the pandemic situation there? I wonder when the travel restriction will be lifted.”
• The ‘Weekend’: Mention the things you did on the weekend before or your plan for the upcoming weekend. “I’m fine! I had a catch up with high school friends and re-watched Friends on Netflix for the rest of the day.”
• The ‘Social Media’: If you follow each other on social media and you saw their recent post, talk about that. “I’m fine! I saw that you had brunch at the new cafe. Was the food delicious?”
• The ‘Vacation’: Talk about your upcoming vacation plans or time-offs, most probably they are planning theirs as well. “I’m fine! Can’t wait for my trip to Bali next month, I’m so excited”
• The ‘What Just Happened’: Mention the last activity that you literally just finished before the meeting. “I’m fine! Just had a quick team meeting and cleared my inbox.”
• The ‘What will Happen’: The opposite. Mention your next activity after the meeting. “I’m fine! I’ll have lunch after this sync, really looking forward to try the new menu!”
• The ‘Ask It First’: For this tip, you’ll need to ask them first and mimic or give a relevant answer to theirs. “I’m fine! Oh, I wanted to visit the new park as well, is it a nice place to chill?”
• The ‘Just Fine’: Nothing, just quickly pass the torch. “I’m fine! How about you?”
• Try changing “I’m fine!” with other adjectives, such as, “I’m doing great!”, “It’s been amazing!”, “I’m pretty excited!”, etc. It can take the person by surprise and build a more positive mood.

It’s interesting how my work environment has successfully awakened the “how are you?” in me — not surprising considering it occupies one-third of my life! It’s been unconsciously implanted in my vocabulary that I just blurt them now.

“How are you?” is the simplest and easiest form of ice breaking, to build a connection between the people who ask and who receive, or before jumping into a certain agenda. You can be very creative or be so random with your answers that it can still make the conversation interesting. I’ve seen people spent ten minutes discussing what they did last weekend in a thirty-minute team meeting! Now that’s ‘how are you’ working its magic!