How to be in a relationship having an anxiety disorder
The things I wish I was told when I started dating
I have struggled with anxiety pretty much all my life.
I started seeing a therapist when I was eight years old and, by age 17, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder aka the good old OCD.
My OCD can be better described as “pure O”, meaning I don’t engage in many physical compulsions. My biggest problems stay inside my head.
The obsessions vary in theme, but the most dreadful ones relate to the thing I fear most: dying alone. Because of that, I have experienced some terrible relationship OCD — I have questioned myself about how I feel about my boyfriend, I feared my boyfriend was cheating on me, I tried to guess our whole future, and I read way too much into “signals of the Universe”.
As you might imagine, my first relationship was terrible. I didn’t know how to deal with my feeling and I cared way too much about what my brain was telling me.
After two years of being single and working on myself, I finally felt prepared to give my love life another shot. And I must tell you, I have found balance and happiness. Here’s how:
1.) I stopped listening to my awful thoughts. I now trust my gut
Let me start by quoting specialists. According to the Neurological Central of Toronto, our gut health is connected to our brains.
“This connection is called the Gut-Brain Axis, which is a bi-directional communication network that links the central nervous system (the brain and spinal cord) with the enteric nervous system (the digestive system). Your brain and digestive system send messages to each other and can affect one another’s health and functioning”.
Basically, your brain sends signals to your stomach about your real perception of things.
So, next time your mind is too confused about your partner, just pay attention to your body and try to perceive how it reacts to his or her presence.
This technique helped me find some confidence in my own happiness.
2). I realized my boyfriend isn’t a savior. He is my partner
This one was a big deal.
My whole life I was told by books and movies that all my problems would vanish the moment I found a boyfriend. Because of that, in my first relationship, I expected my partner to solve all my anxiety crisis.
I later concluded that this is not the answer.
I repeat. THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER
To be in a healthy relationship, I had to learn how to be in touch with my own feelings and to deal with my own mental health issues.
This doesn’t mean I don’t share some of my thoughts and worries. It means I now know my needs well enough to be independent in regards to my mental health.
3). I maintain my routines and keep in touch with friends
Getting into a relationship can be challenging. You now have a new important person in your life, that — let’s be honest — interferes with your habits and pre-established routines.
On the one hand, this is exciting. On the other, it can mess up your safe space.
That being said, to have some sense of normality and calm, I try to keep up with the things I did when I was single.
This means I still practice yoga daily, that I talk to my friends on the phone, and that I make time to go to that brunch on weekends.
Besides, having a partner isn’t an excuse to stop caring about yourself and others.
4). Communicate, communicate, communicate
I speak from personal experience when I say that being in a relationship with a person with mental health problems isn’t easy.
Sometimes, I am too caught up in my own thoughts to think about my partner’s needs.
I avoid sharing the content of my obsessions — because it can be hurtful — but when I am in a bad place, I make sure to tell him that.
And then, when I become“lucid”, I find it quite helpful to communicate with my partner about these things and reassure him that I care for him.
This way, he comprehends that he is not the problem, my mind is. And that, at that moment I just can’t be the giving girlfriend he deserves.
5.) I learned to love myself
Yes, I know we’ve heard this guideline before. But I had to add it!
Before you can let anyone into your life, you must learn to love yourself and to put your priorities first.
This is especially important if you have an anxiety disorder.
As your brain is always providing you with A LOT of useless information, you might feel tempted to dismiss certain red flags, by telling yourself you’re reading too much into something.
This becomes more unlikely to happen when you have a strong sense of self and know you are more important than any other person that might come into your life.
To sum up
Having a good and healthy relationship is possible for everyone, even for those of us who struggle with mental health. Just make sure you don’t forget who you are, keep taking care of your own needs, communicate about them, and trust yourself!
Maybe you don’t find balance on your first try, and that’s okay, we are all still learning.
But, ultimately, you’ll be just fine!
