I Always Thought I Was Straight but now I’m Not Sure
How can I tell?
A few days ago my friend asked me this: “Sasha, I always thought I was straight but now I’m not sure. How can I tell?” She looked preoccupied so I knew I had to do my best to help her.
When my friends need some advice, I’ll always be the first person they’ll come to. You could say that I’m the advice guru of the group. The thing is, you can’t solve someone’s problem but you can help them figure out the way they feel and let them know that their feelings are completely normal and valid. Often we’re scared to feel and think a certain way as we’re scared of what our thoughts will lead to. My friend feared the possibility that she could be a lesbian.
To be honest, I always thought that she was straight. She was that girl in the group talking about boys all the time, telling us how hot they looked. Plus, she’s also been in multiple relationships with guys. But when she opened up to me, she confessed that she dated all these boys just to convince herself that she was straight.
She always talked about her ideal life, describing her future husband and her future kids. She never thought that she could be a lesbian. She told me that it started with little things at first, such as checking a girl’s chest or butt. She explained how random thoughts would come through her mind and how she’ll imagine some scenarios in her head, not with boys, but with girls. She revealed that she started watching lesbian porn and how it gave her a feeling that she never felt while watching straight porn. She said that she saw the female body as a piece of art, something beautiful that she wanted to look at.
“But my ideal relationship would be with a guy, I just don’t see myself dating a girl”, she admitted. She’s that girl who had her entire life planned out already, so the idea of being gay was not part of her plan.
So this is what I told her.
I think the way you feel is completely normal. Starting to figure out your sexuality is part of the human process. I’ve been through it, we’ve all been through it. For some, it’s easier to know what their sexuality is, for others, it’s more difficult. And often discovering your sexuality is a lifelong process that will evolve over the years. But you’ve got to trust the process.
Just be open to the idea that you might not be straight. You might be straight, you might not be, just keep an open mind. Don’t get too caught up in labels. But if you do feel comfortable with one label, then use it. It’s going to hurt you more to fake the way you feel and try to persuade yourself that you’re only attracted to the opposite sex. Keep an open mind, be open to experimenting with new things, let your desires and your heart guide you.
“If I had to label myself, I would label myself as a gay man. With that said, I believe that love is the only thing that matters, and I would hope that anybody would leave themselves open — not to gender, but to love… If I fall in love down the road with a woman, I’m going to love that woman.”
— Jussie Smollett, actor
The only way you’ll be able to discover your sexuality, is by experimenting with both the female and male sex.
Experimentation with your sexuality is totally okay. See what you like the most, what you’re most comfortable with, and what is the most pleasurable for your body. Self-discovering is all about experiencing new things, and the same goes for discovering your sexuality. Don’t be ashamed of your actions, your body is yours and you have the right to do whatever you want with it as long as you harm nobody. No one can tell you what you can and cannot do with your body.
If you want to have sex with a girl, go ahead! But never force yourself to do something that you don’t want to do, or sleep with someone that you don’t want to sleep with. Sexuality is something very personal, therefore you have the right to choose your own sexual experiences. Experimentation is absolutely healthy as it’s a way of figuring out who you are.
Remember that you still have time to figure it out. There is no rush. Whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or whatever your sexuality is, you’ll still be the same person and your life will work out just fine. Fulfill your own desires, explore your body in more depth and follow your heart.
I strongly believe that we are not born with defined sexuality. You could be straight today and be gay in ten years. Your sexuality is determined by your experiences and your personal growth. You sleep with a guy and you discover that you don’t like it, it’s just not your thing. Feeling this way is completely fine. Our desires and our tastes change all the time, our hearts will guide us along the way. Just remember to have fun during this journey of self-discovering! Girl, you got this!
“I hadn’t been happy in so long. I’ve been sad again since, but it’s a totally different take on sad. There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.” — Frank Ocean, musician
