Did you know that one word can dramatically alter your relationship conflicts?
And, before you jump to conclusions, I’m not talking about the “L” word. Although it is a good idea to always shower your partner with “love”.
I’m talking about you — the word, you.
As in: “You make me so mad when you don’t take out the garbage every Friday!”
How is it that a sentence about decomposing trash can turn into a full-blown argument between partners? Well, there are many reasons, but one huge reason is the way the statement was delivered.
Specifically, the use of the pronoun “you”.
Why Is This Even An Issue?
Because when the “yous” come out to play, they don’t play fairly. They’re like the billionaires of conflict; they take all the resources and then wonder why others don’t have anything to offer.
Using the word “you” within the context of relationship conflict typically creates a battlefield of blame.
How Does Using “You” Feel?
Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of something similar to the statement above.
Do you remember how it felt? Did you soften and want to hear more about your partner’s anger? Or did you tense and feel attacked?
Maybe you can’t remember, so let’s try a little experiment.
Relax for a moment. Then read the statements below — imagine how you would reply if your partner was speaking these statements in real-time.
Statement 1:
“You totally neglect our budget! You always buy expensive coffee drinks on your way to work and $25 bottles of wine on your way home, and you’re ruining our savings account.”
Statement 2:
“I notice there are some charges on our credit card lately for coffee and wine. I don’t recall those items being in the budget we agreed on last month. I’m getting really scared. I’m afraid these purchases may jeopardize the savings we’ve worked so hard to accumulate.”
Did you notice a difference between the two statements? Was your instinct to respond the same for both statements? Did you feel anything different?
Maybe you didn’t. It can be subtle. Let’s break it down. You can see that both statements had the same topic: budget, pricey coffee & wine, and the subsequent impact on your savings account. The only difference between them is the perspective used when spoken. The first statement only uses the pronoun “you”. It outlines what you are doing. (And clearly doing wrong.) That first statement says nothing about your partner’s (the speaker’s) perspective.
This is an example of using “you” statements.
You = Blame
“You” statements help hide the underlying vulnerability of the speaking partner through the use of blame. They also lay the groundwork for a battlefield of offense vs. defense. Why?
Because no one wants to be blamed for anything, even if it’s their fault!
Unfortunately, relationships frequently get caught in the blame/shame cycle of arguing.
Blame = Shame
If one partner simply blames the other, that partner will most likely respond in one of two ways: 1) put up the defense wall and blame back, leading to an argument or 2) completely shut down — which can result in shame.
Blame, and it’s cousin shame, don’t feel good in the long run, and they usually aren’t constructive. The biggest problem with shame is that it connotes not that your partner’s action is wrong, but that THEY are wrong. One article on shame says, “shaming targets who a person is, not what they do.”
Use One Word To Alter Your Relationship Conflict Forever
So what now?! What should be used in place of “you”?
Let’s go back to Statement 2 above for the answer:
“I notice there are some charges on our credit card lately for coffee and wine. I don’t recall those items being in the budget we agreed on last month. I’m getting really scared. I’m afraid these purchases may jeopardize the savings we’ve worked so hard to accumulate.”
Did you catch it?
The way to alter your relationship conflicts forever is by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
Statement 2 uses “I” statements. It aims to discuss how the speaking partner feels. The “I” statement takes the blame off of the listening partner (you in this scenario) and focuses on the speaker’s (your partner’s) observations and feelings instead.
What Is An “I” Statement Doing?
Remember how using a “you” statement creates a battlefield of blame and shame? Well, using an “I” statement creates a playing field of responsibility.
Using “I” statements means taking responsibility for one’s actions and feelings. It ensures that the speaking partner remains focused on communicating the real issue. The real issue isn’t about blame — it’s about expressing emotions over something that happened, and possibly working towards a different outcome in the future. This type of relating opens the pathway for discussion and true conflict resolution.
But What If My Partner Did Something That Made Me Mad/Sad/Frustrated/Feel Ignored?
Well, it needs to be addressed.*
Unfortunately, blaming is not the way to do it: even if their actions upset you.
If you want a different outcome from your partner, try using “I” statements during conflicts. The best way to communicate with your partner about what happened is to take responsibility for whatever your participation is in the conflict. Usually, that’s your feelings.
Remember, your emotions are your own. You are responsible for them.
That doesn’t mean your partner’s behaviors weren’t shitty. Partners do shitty things sometimes. But, if you want to have a mature and civil discussion, it’s going to come from “I” statements.
Practice Taking Emotional Responsibility
When I first learned about “I” statements, they felt odd; like I was learning a different language.
And I was — the language of emotional responsibility.
It is easy to blame. It is easy to point fingers at what “you” did wrong. That’s why it’s so common. But blame is usually an unconscious attempt at conflict resolution that gets nothing constructive accomplished.
It is much more difficult to use “I” statements because it requires a deep level of vulnerability. Basically — it’s an ego squasher. And, it requires relationship trust.
But it is much easier said than done. Especially in the heat of the moment.
Allow yourself time to practice. Taking responsibility for your actions or feelings may feel strange at first. Most people are taught to argue in order to win and be right — not to dialogue and communicate their feelings.
Commit to pausing an extra moment before speaking (which is tough when emotions are high, I get it!) and formulate your best attempt at an “I” statement. Hopefully, your partner will notice the difference and get on board with it as well. Because you shouldn’t be the only one working on emotional responsibility.
The simple switch of one word — from “you” to “I” — can help transform your conflicts from neverending, shameful argument loops into deep, meaningful dialogue and compromises.
*I hope this goes without saying, but I’m talking about daily arguments and mild conflicts here. I am not talking about any kind of abuse. If your partner is abusing you, these recommendations aren’t going to resolve that issue. Please seek professional help in instances of relationship abuse.
Thanks for reading! If you found this article helpful, then check out this one:
