Perfectionists are Silent Sufferers of Imposter Syndrome
How they’re linked and 5 ways to overcome them.
When I graduated from college, I had dreams that felt like they were completely out of my reach. I wanted to jump straight from being a college senior moonlighting as a waitress to owning a business. I had the degree, I had the ideas, what could possibly stand in my way?
It became increasingly clear as the finish line was approaching that this was nowhere near possible and that I’d probably have to keep being a waitress for a little while, get in line to manage the restaurant, and probably go from there. When my brother heard this master plan, he invited me to spend the summer in New York with him to get some perspective. He travels for work frequently so I’d basically have my own studio apartment in New York City. “You’d be living the dream!” was how he sold me on it.
I packed a small suitcase and got a job at a coffee shop within a week. This really was my dream. My goal was to learn more about coffee and eventually own a cafe back home. To me, this was an important step in that direction. I took my initial cashier position very seriously hoping to work my way up to barista within a month.
Things did not go exactly as planned. The manager quit a week after she hired me. One of my coworkers suggested to the owner that I should be considered as a replacement, that I’d take the job seriously and probably stick around for a while since I wanted to learn the ropes. They weren’t wrong about me taking the job seriously. Would I stick around for a while? No.
The owner was verbally and mentally abusive towards me and all of the employees. I worked every single day with double shifts twice a week. He was a racist, a sexist, and a slumlord. I quit 2 months in once I’d secured a job at another cafe.
I ended up staying in New York for almost two years working as a cashier, then manager, then cashier again, then barista, until I landed on the assistant manager — a position I would hold until I was tapped to manage a location. Only this wasn’t a position that I was taking on because someone quit and a void needed to be filled. I was being sent back home, to Miami, to run a brand new location.
Opening day was a big deal. The owners had never had a location outside of New York, my family was proud of me, customers were excited, and all I could think was “Was that it? Was that all I had to do to get my own cafe?” All I had to do was work my ass off and be qualified? I felt like it was just too easy. As if I didn’t earn my shiny new post. I decided I was going to earn it now. I was going to make the owners feel obsolete with how much responsibility I was going to take off their plate. Hiring? Scheduling?Training? Ordering? Administrative duties? Strategizing? Working five days a week as a barista? Done.
Still, every time I got my paycheck I really felt like shit. I felt like I didn’t earn the amount of money I was being paid. The cafe wasn’t nearly busy enough for it to warrant my salary and I felt incredibly guilty.
For many, this experience could read as a symptom of perfectionism. It could also read as the makings of someone suffering from imposter syndrome. The fact is, the two often go hand in hand.
Every time I was called on in class, I was sure that I was about to embarrass myself. Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn’t embarrass myself — or even excelled — I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again.
— Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In
I was never satisfied with the quality of the work I was doing and I truly felt like I didn’t deserve any of the career advancements I’d made. I felt like any day now, the owners were going to figure out that they’d made a mistake in handing me this promotion and ask me to step down.
Imposter syndrome is the belief that you’re inadequate, incompetent, and a failure despite evidence that indicates you’re skilled and probably successful. Psychology Today discusses the cause of perfectionism as internal pressures that exist to help one avoid failure or harsh judgment.
How could someone suffering from imposter syndrome not be a perfectionist on some level? Imposter syndrome stems from the fear of being “found out” so to avoid being found out, you’re likely to engage in perfectionist tendencies.
We’re continuing to learn that perfectionism while beneficial to others, is extremely harmful to the perfectionist. The perfectionist is obviously never satisfied and often suffers from analysis paralysis. The truth is, these two issues comingling can incapacitate you in a way that can drive you to be completely unproductive and feeling even more inadequate.
Perfectionism rarely begets perfection, or satisfaction — only disappointment.-Ryan Holiday
I truly wish I was the kind of perfectionist that benefitted from being a perfectionist. I wish that it motivated me and made me overdeliver on my goals. I’m not that kind. I’m a perfectionist that is never satisfied and often procrastinates on projects that are important to me because I’m scared of failing. I also wish that I felt good about when I actually do deliver and not like I’m masquerading as a competent person.
However, there are several ways to combat these undesirable feelings:
1.) Become aware of unhealthy tendencies.
As with any issue, the first step is to recognize the problem(s) in yourself. Sometimes this is the hardest part. For me, this didn’t come by choice. It was brought to my attention by friends and family that I was not giving myself the credit I was due and that I had earned my success. Hearing this from multiple sources made me feel like an outsider to my own life.
Once I began to own my responsibility for where I was in my life, it became clear that I was in fact working hard enough and there was no need for me to prove myself to anyone.
2.) Know that failure isn’t always the worst outcome.
Failure as a learning opportunity. Perfectionists aren’t immune to failure and when it does occur, it hits extremely hard. I’ve been rejected for jobs I felt more than capable of doing and felt like I’d failed to do my part in proving my ability. However, that rejection that I perceived as my own failure paved the way for future success. It’s no coincidence that any success story worth hearing will often begin with tellings of repeated failures. Spend time on finding the lesson in the failure and use it to help you in the future.
3.) Be organized.
This is music to a perfectionist’s ears. Keeping a to-do list is not only useful in helping you stay productive, but it can also ease negativity when you feel insufficient. Completing a to-do list or successfully using a planner can serve as a reminder of your accomplishments. At the end of the day, you have undeniable evidence for yourself that you did everything you set out to do that day. You probably won’t feel like you’ve earned a pat on the back but at least you can’t say you didn’t do enough. You’ve set your own bar and met it.
4.) Practice Kindness
This is mostly directed at being kind to you, yourself. I will admit that this is one of the hardest tools for me to use. If you’re someone who deals with being insecure, self-affirmations are actual hell. However, this is not the only method of practicing kindness to yourself. Just stopping yourself from making you feel bad is a small but significant act.
Spending all your mental energy being unsatisfied with the quality of your work and feeling undeserving of your accomplishments is just being mean to yourself. Imagine treating your child (or someone you deeply care for and feel protective of) this way. If you wouldn’t want that for them, why do it to yourself?
5.) Talk
This doesn’t have to be to a therapist or counselor. Despite popular belief, therapy isn’t for everyone, nor is it even accessible to everyone. Often you’ll find that if you just express your thoughts about yourself and your ability to someone you trust, you’ll receive a reaction of utter shock. They’ll quickly tell you that you’re both insane and fantastic and that you deserve every bit of goodness in your life, that you’ve earned it. If not, I just told you right now.
70% of people will experience imposter syndrome at some point in their lives. For some reason, that seems both too high and too low. The remaining 30% is extremely lucky to me and also extremely arrogant.
So many resources will try to soothe you into believing that experiencing imposter syndrome and/or being a perfectionist has its upside — they can result in making you a highly productive person with a great work ethic.
In my experience, if you’re a remotely successful perfectionist with imposter syndrome, you’ve most likely suffered quite a bit and feel very alone. However, there is hope in practicing self-soothing and you can eventually come to enjoy your accomplishments.
