RELAX.

…it can lead to fulfillment!

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In a few days, I will turn 34 and I have been chasing happiness or better fulfillment for almost 10 years now. I chased happiness through various forms. I tried to become happier through:

• Earning more money,
• Increasing my social network, online and offline
• Dating
• Hustling on the side
• Making a career change
• Traveling more
• Becoming a vegan
• Exercising

I tried to become happier pretty much through anything you can think of!

After 10 years, I realized that nothing really helped no matter how hard I tried and how well I followed the best practices to get more out of life.

I was and have been most of my life (with the exception of my childhood) in pursuit of something better or something else. I kept on feeling, especially when I started my career, that I didn’t have enough, I didn’t earn enough, I was not enough, and that I was not doing enough.

People would tell me otherwise. I came across people that admired me and all the things I had accomplished, all the things I had done, all the things I was doing, and all the things I had… Ultimately, it was all about how I felt though, and I did not admire myself at all.

I read about gratitude and how in order to get more I had to be thankful for what I had at a given moment. I tried that too. It just did not work at the given time. I would do it for a week and then I would just forget to take the time to practice gratitude or I would just not feel like it.

I don’t think we are programmed in today’s society to think or even feel that we are good enough the way we are or that we have enough. And so it is really hard for us to be ok at any given moment.

The biggest change for me came approximately 9 months after I have been seeing a therapist. When I turned 33 years old, I cried pretty much for three straight days, non-stop. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I knew I needed help, I could not do it (whatever “it” meant) on my own anymore, I did not want to do it on my own and I asked for help.

Asking for help was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I described to my therapist all my efforts to become a better person, a better professional, a dateable individual. I remember so vividly in one of our sessions telling her while sobbing that I did not know what else I was meant to do. Through the tears, I heard her say “Nothing”. Suddenly, I stopped sobbing and raised my eyes to look at her in disbelief and she said again “Nothing. You are meant to do nothing more. You’ve done and you are doing enough.”

“Nothing?” I was still not sure what I was hearing.

“Nothing. You should do nothing else. Try it.” She repeated.

“How? I don’t know how NOT to strive to do more, to be more, to earn more.” At that moment I realized that taking time off, relaxing was not a familiar term for me.

“I know it’s not easy.” She mentioned “However, what I want you to do is to check-in with yourself every time you have something to do. If the thought of doing it brings you joy do it, if not, don’t do it”

10 years of reading self-development books on how to do more, how to be more, how to earn more, and how I should wake up at 5 am to hustle, hustle, hustle, and suddenly all I get is do nothing? This went against so many theories, so many best practices.

Do you know what the strangest thing was though? I felt like a massive burden was lifted and I was allowed to relax…and I needed so much to relax. I needed it to be ok not to work late or not to work on a side hustle or not to go out and meet someone new.

It wasn’t easy! I was constantly thinking that I may be missing an opportunity to meet someone or to create success for myself. I was not sure that relaxing was useful. How relaxing can help me feel fulfilled?

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Well…9 months later, with some months being really tough, my therapist asks me the same question she has been asking me at the beginning of every session: “How are you?”

And I realized that I was in peace and that there was no better word to describe how I felt but the very word “fulfilled”. She smiled.

A few days before I turn 34, I feel fulfilled. I feel so thankful for what I have in my life. I am so grateful for my family, my loving boyfriend, my friends, my job. It is the first time that I feel that I do not have to be thinner, fatter, curvier, fitter, richer, poorer, with or without a partner. I feel so grateful for everything I have in my life that anything more is just a nice bonus but is not a necessity or prerequisite. And being grateful comes so naturally!

Within 9 months of taking time to relax and following the signs of joy, I achieved more than I did 10 years of chasing more than I had or than I was.

My therapist says that I was ready to allow myself to take the time to relax and that I potentially needed someone to say that it is ok for me to relax. I will also add that maybe I needed someone to show me that there is this option as well.

I was at a point that I was tired of trying and not getting results and as soon as I stopped trying and started enjoying all the things I had in my life, the following things happened.

1. I was fired from a job I was really unhappy with and soon after I was hired somewhere that I am happier and earn more.
2. In the meantime, I finished my dissertation within a month and submitted it to my professor for a review.
3. I re-started my YouTube channel and got into content creation again which I really love.
4. …and I met my current boyfriend which makes me extremely happy.

Sometimes, when I am laying in my boyfriend’s arms, I get emotional. I can feel tears trickling down my cheek with joy.

I used to plan long-distance trips to Asia or North America that would get me extremely excited. I have none planned now and I am more excited about the future than I was back then.

I stopped thinking too much, planning or stressing out about the future. I know that everything will turn out just fine if I just keep asking myself, if I feel joy or not about doing something.

I also stopped trying to be part of every conversation or being the center of attention. I find beauty and peace in drifting away sometimes or listening quietly. I have also become less active on social media.

I stopped watching TV or Netflix until late. My boyfriend and I buy cross puzzle magazines and we solve cross puzzles before falling asleep or we just spend time connecting on a spiritual and physical level. All pretty fun ;)

Nowadays, I focus my energy more on creating and being creative than on consuming information. For the first time in my life, the live plants in my house are growing and blooming as I have time to water them…and talk to them! Who knew!?

When you are fulfilled, you are peaceful and find joy in everything, even in the smallest things. When you are not fulfilled, you keep on striving for something different constantly, and too much striving is tiring.

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So, how did I found fulfillment?

I wish there was one magical thing that we could all do and suddenly we became fulfilled and extremely happy and all good things would just happen to us…but there isn’t.

I still see my therapist and I still discover things about myself and the limitations of my mindset and I find that exciting and tough at the same time.

I still feel the Fear Of Missing Out but I remind myself that it is ok to feel it and I am not the only one but I have to do what is best for myself at each moment in time.

I am still learning how to be ok with spending time being creative either through drawing or doodling, or cooking. Even having daily routines such as walking in the evenings or solving puzzles before bed cultivate creativity.

How?

I once watched a video where a product designer was being interviewed. Apparently, he is considered one of the best ones in his field. When he was asked where he finds inspiration, he said from doing the same things every day, like walking the dog, drinking the same coffee, or even taking the same route to work.

These habits help with the inspirational factor because they make him notice the smallest differences from one day to another.

Powerful, right? That’s what I thought!

I really enjoy the habits I have built — the morning hugs from my boyfriend, the weekend breakfast in bed (which I would get to myself even when I was single), my evening walks, the time I dedicate to solving cross puzzles, and the family lunch dates on Sundays.

What habits make you happy?

Now, I think happiness comes naturally when we know who we are, we have accepted who we are and what we can do or have in a given time. Acceptance of self is not easy but is a key to unlock fulfillment and eventually happiness which so many people are searching for.