Personal Growth | Love
Resolving the unavoidable “C” word
Part 2 of a mini-series on building a stronger relationship
Conflict! Conflict!! Conflict!!!
Whether it is in life or love, conflict follows us around wherever we go. Some of us run from conflict the moment we sense it — our palm gets sweaty, throat dries up, our heart beats faster and faster. Others go into overdrive, solely focusing on solving the conflict and situation at hand — planning how to solve it right away.
Conflicts and relationships go hand in hand; They are inevitable, and if handled poorly (by withdrawing emotionally, blaming your partner, or dredging up past argument or wrongdoing) they can damage it.
A cross cross-section study (pdf) by the researchers from the University of California at Berkeley have identified an important factor that keeps conflict and arguments from turning toxic. They’ve found that conflict is not detrimental to the relationship if people felt more understood by their partners. Overall, the study suggests that perceived understanding may be a critical buffer against the potentially detrimental effects of relationship conflict.
In other words, during a conflict, if we at least listen and understand each other — even if both disagree — leads to a better relationship.
Conveying that you understand but don’t agree can go a long way. We know this, but we don’t often do it. In the heat of the moment, it’s very hard to do that. But you stand to benefit if oneself can convey to your partner that you listen and understand.
So how do we resolve conflict?
There are a few ways to handle conflict, but I’ve found what best works for me and my partner. Learning and growing throughout my life, here is my experience in dealing with conflict whether at work or in personal life.
Set a time and place
While this is an easy step, this is a crucial step in ensuring that both of you take the time to talk about the issue. This also means that both of you are mentally prepared to handle the conflict. Sometimes we discussing our problems in the restaurant or on the street or during a family gathering, while it may seem natural to voice your concern and opinion out loud, trying to resolve a conflict when there are other people around may not be the best place to have that heart to heart conversation.
What I find works best is when both our basic needs are being met — not feeling hungry, being alert with energy, mentally not occupied by work — would be the best time to talk about the conflict. I personally like to resolve the issue right away when conflict arises, but if that is not possible, both of us will write down the conflict and agree on a specific time to have the conversation.
Define the problem
Be specific about the issue. What is it that you are asking your partner to do? What has your partner done that hurt you? What is it that you have not done that is disappointing your partner? The more specific you can be will help both of you to understand the root cause of the conflict. This will ensure both of you understand what you are trying to solve.
The key to success in this step is to not bring all problems to be solved at once and all together. Also, we need to acknowledge each other’s feelings. Understanding how our actions have caused distress in our partner or helping our partner understand how they make us feel.
List the way each of you contributes to the problem.
In most instances when conflict arises, the two parties that are involved would have contributed to the problem. Recently, we bought a water jug to filter the water we drink. After a few weeks of using it, my partner reminded me again to fill the water jug back up after using it.
My partner felt like I wasn’t listening to her and was getting frustrated since she mentioned to me once in passing. When I prodded for more information, she mentioned that there have been a few instances where she needed to fill the jug up and waited awhile before being able to drink some water and that it wasn’t the second or third time.
I was the main contributor to the problem, I wasn’t filling up the jug when I used it. However, the small part that she played was bottling up the frustration and not communicating with me earlier. To resolve it, I agreed to be more aware when using the jug, and I asked her to let me know if and when she finds that I haven’t filled back up the water jug.
List past attempts to resolve the issue that was not successful
We heard this before: “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. So when resolving a recurring conflict or a theme in the conflicts, it is worth listing past attempts by both parties that were not successful. Again, be specific. What you are doing here is to not bring up past problems, but understanding why the solution is not working.
Brainstorm possible solutions
When both of you have knuckle down the problem, it is time to brainstorm the possible solutions. When problems are small, most of the time there will only be one obvious solution, but when dealing with bigger issues, both of you should come to the table with several solutions.
At this point, we do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions. Generating and contributing solutions help support each other emotionally and mentally. It also shows that we care about the relationship a lot and want to work hard to make things work.
In a corporate environment, this is how businesses innovate and create value. So why not do the same in your personal life and your relationship.
Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions
Talk through each of the possible solutions that both of you came up with. Focus on how useful and appropriate each suggestion feels for resolving the issue. Be open and honest. If it isn’t clear what ask clarifying question. While you are trying to find the best solution, you are not finding a perfect solution here. All the solution needs to be, is solving the problem.
Agree on one solution to try
Once you have discussed and evaluated each of the solutions, get a consensus, and decide which solution to try. Don’t be afraid of how hard it might be. Take baby steps if needed — going back to my example of the water jug conflict I had; All I did was be more aware of the water level when pouring water, and if it was half empty, I would fill it up right away. I didn’t need to always check the water jug, all I did was check when I was using it and fill up as I go.
When agreeing on trying a particular solution, be sure to be specific on how each of you will be contributing to the solution. Don’t just say “I’ll do it” or “I’ll remember to do it”. Talk through how you will work toward this solution.
This will help us remember better and ensures that if both of you have done all you agreed to do and the problem persists then it isn’t because of the lack of effort, but the lack of the right solution. Then you might need to start from the beginning and try to understand the problem better and come up with a better solution.
Reward each other for progress
Showing appreciation is important when an effort is made. If your partner makes the effort, a simple compliment of words saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you doing that” would mean a world to them. That means that you see them and the effort they put into it. It also affirms that the problem is solved. Rewarding for their progress also acts as a positive reinforcement which will help them to continue doing what they agreed to do.
While some of us are masters at resolving conflict, most of us like me fumble through conflict resolution. I’ve been vigilant, trying to follow this process for every single conflict or fight I have with my partner. It takes a lot of effort, time, and patience but it also helped our relationship a lot. Helping us to navigate and embrace our differences while growing close together.
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