The thing with insecurities is, that even if you think you have finally learned how to cope with them, they stay with you. They never fully disappear.
Some days feel especially excruciating. All of a sudden you feel your inner and already deeply hidden flaws dominating more than usually. It might be a picture that brings back memories or a comment you heard passing by strangers in the streets.
I hear my heart racing before it physically does. My eyes begin to stare, sometimes into the eyes of the person asking me a harmless question. And when my breath accelerates, heat begins to begins to build up. Accumulating in my stomach and then rising with absurd speed towards my head. That’s the moment I know from the look of the person opposite what I look like by now. “Are you hot? Is everything okay?”, is what I can only guess to hear as I rush to the next bathroom.
I have been followed by my face turning red when I feel ashamed. Back then, it occurred when I found myself in situations when something terrible embarrassing happens. It was okay. It was socially acceptable and also natural.
Fast forward, three years into the future, my fear of turning red like a tomato lingers right in my chest whenever I engage in public situations. It is now not merely an insecurity of mine, it rules my whole interaction scheme with society. I strongly remember that it started and manifested when my facial blushing was pointed out by a teacher after not knowing the right answer.
Pointing out insecurities in other people can have detrimental effect. I know very well about my flaws but having them pointed out by other people made it impossible for me to accept them. This is why I hope to spare many the hurtful comments and long-term impact by raising awareness.
With this article I don’t want to address those of you who suffer from anxiety like I do, but the ones who sit in front of their device and go: “What on earth is she on about? Can’t she just laugh it off?”
The feeling of anxiety can be compared to weights being attached to your self-esteem, dragging it lower and lower. While it being invisible from the outside, one can feel like exploding internally. That is why it’s important to understand the power words can have.
Don’t negatively point following things out:
1. Acne and other skin problems
Acne can be one of the things that have the power to ruin lives. In my worst times, I didn’t even want to look into someone’s face. I didn’t only feel ugly, I felt unhygienic, I felt disgusting.
Skin problems in general are extremely distressing. Drawing attention to it in a way is humiliating. Keep that in mind.
2. Facial anomalies
i.e. small lips, big mouth, abnormal face shape etc.
Looking different and embracing one’s beauty marks takes a long way.
3. Stretch marks and someone’s physical constitution
“Oh, say!? Did you gain some weight?” , “Have you always been this small?”, “Why does your skin look so weird at parts? Do these hurt?!”
Small Reminder: You never know what someone is going through at this exact moment.
4. Body hair in general and especially body hair in places you wouldn’t expect it
“Did someone tell you that you look like a monkey? Man, you have hairy arms!” , “Did you ever think about shaving your arms?!”
Please remember that not a single person on this earth chose how they wanted to look like. Society has ever changing beauty standards and meeting them in this age is almost an impossible challenge.
And yes, this concerns men and women.
Not your body, not your problem.
5. An asset of their style which is obviously done on purpose
i.e. a certain make-up look, crazy looking clothes etc.
I can assure you that this person didn’t had in mind to impress you by it, nor were you asked for your opinion. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
6. Excessive sweating
Chances are, the person knows exactly how much they sweat and how uncomfortable it might be for other people. And you know what! The person sweating is NOT doing it to annoy you! And it’s also that sometimes deodorants don’t successfully do their job as they should. I know, it can be distasteful but can we all take a moment and agree that there are worse things on this earth?
7. Scars and cuts
Scars are in most cases accompanied by a story that carries a lot of emotion. Especially if you don’t know this person well, think about if you really need to remind this person that there was a time in their life where things seemed too horrible to bear? Pointing out scars will make this person feel caught and worst of all, embarrassed and insecure.
It is understandable that you might be concerned, but eventually it is up to this person to open up and share the story or to leave it in the past.
Please, think before you speak.
Basically, I am talking about things that a person is unable to change in under some minutes. This shouldn’t be an article telling you to lie, but to really think about if your statements are necessary for a certain situation and for your own well-being.
It took me a very long time to realize that every single human being is feeling, even those of you who pretend not to. Everyone of us is overwhelmed by emotion from time to time, and more importantly, everyone of us has insecurities.
Sometimes the truth is necessary to make the world a better place, but your opinion about a stranger’s appearance will barely make it a brighter one.
Think twice about your words, they hold power.
They hold power. YES. And no, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You can actually use them to brighten up someones day. Holding conversation, spreading compliments and sharing your ideas are one of the most powerful things you can do. Learn how to use them. Don’t be afraid.
My life long I was told that I had to be tough and not show my fears. It would make me weak. By pretending to not being flawed in any way, I unconsciously built a wall.
I tried so hard to keep up this wall that on the inside hid my insecurities but simultaneously prevented me from showing my real self. It prevented me from building intimate relationships, it held me back from falling deep into love. Having people see the imperfect me, wasn’t even an option anymore eventually. For the reason that being weak inevitably lead to disappointment at some point.
Appearances are deceiving. We live in a world where isolating yourself from feeling and emotions can make you successful and invincible.
The thing is … who can’t be hurt, can’t be touched.
Embracing vulnerability takes an enormous amount of courage but I can promise that it will eventually bring you happiness. Welcome your flaws and love them until they don’t hold the power of bringing you down anymore.
Kill them with kindness!
