What I Painfully Learned From The Death of My Friend’s Boyfriend
How you can support a griefing friend (but it will be hard)
I share a special memory with one of my friends. It was a couple of years ago on a lovely day in autumn when the two of us met a boy. Back then, we didn’t know that he was going to become her future boyfriend.
I’m sure that he made her smile all the time because he always had a funny story on his lips. A sweet, young couple and he seemed to be her first big love.
But for all the smiles, she had to pay with tears. Her boyfriend set his car against a tree and died immediately.
When I heard about it a couple of hours later, I couldn’t believe it. Then, slowly, I realized how f*cked up everything was now. He was so young. And my friend was young, too, when she lost the boy she shared her life with. And I stood there in my room and didn’t know what I could do. I wanted to help badly. But how could I help when everything was lost?
Express your feelings
I felt like a train had hit me with 100 miles per hour. His death overwhelmed me, and my emotions were in a hopeless place so that I can only imagine how she must have felt.
When a person you love dies, you lose a part of your life. Most grieving people feel lonely. I figured out that the best thing a friend (or just a friendly neighbor) can do is to be there for the mourner. Show them that they are not alone. An “I’m sorry for your loss” can’t take the loneliness away, but you can be the support that actually helps the mourner.
For example, you can visit them for a conversation (my next point includes advice for the right words), or write a card as I did. As my natural reaction, when I’m full of emotions, I wrote. Writing a card took me a couple of hours because I wanted to go deeper than the distant clauses and wanted to express the mountain of emotions inside of me. My friend told me that even now, one year after his death, she reads my card from time to time, and it gives her a bit of strength.
The time before her boyfriend died, we weren’t as close as we were in childhood. A card suited our connection. Or that’s what I told myself because I actually have to admit that I was too afraid to meet her at first. I feared her pain or that I might say something inappropriate.
What you can say (and what better not)
Be more helpful than me and overcome your fear of talking to the mourner right in the beginning. I learned that it was a mistake not to talk with her for a couple of days.
Since her boyfriend died, I have spoken to other friends about their ways of helping her, and I also tried to support friends who lost a loved one over the last year more than I was able to support her. These conversations taught me that it’s helpful to show the grievers that you respect and understand their emotions. They might feel angry, sad, confused, or even relieved after a longe disease. Their feelings are individual and need a lot of space now. Try to take yourself a step back and give the griever the chance to express. Primarily, you have the position “listener”. Reveal your emotions with mimic and use gestic, for example, to hug them when they cry and cry with them. You can make them feel supported, loved, and foremost, less lonely.
If you want to say something, ask:
“How do you feel?”
“Can I help you with that?”
“Would you like me to come around?”
“What are you thinking right now?”
The griever won’t always know the answers to your asking — maybe they’re confused and don’t know how they feel either. That’s fine. It reveals to you that you’re allowed to be speechless, too. I know how difficult it is to find words. Sometimes, I have no idea what to say. But you know what? Remaining silent together can sometimes help the most. If you don’t feel confident with silence, you can also say that you don’t know what to say. It shows the other person that you’re just as overwhelmed as they’re. And that they’re not alone.
Say Not:
One time my friend and I sat in a lesson at school shortly after her boyfriend had died in a car accident and our teacher talked about how stupid these young drivers are. He said it would be their fault to die in a dull car crash. He didn’t know what had happened, but he should have considered that his stupid saying might trigger a student. Please, don’t ever be so insensitive. You don’t know the life stories of others.
More things not to say: Don’t …
- Tell the griever how to feel
- Pretend like this nightmare would bring something positive
- Press your religion on them
- Compare their grief to yours (only something very similar happened to you. Your feelings after your dog’s death aren’t comparable and seem respectless)
- Avoid the word “dead”. The truth doesn’t get easier by not speaking it out (but be sensitive with your wording in the beginning. Sense it out)
- Judge their appearance
- Clauses like “he was too young to die”, “it happened so unexpected”. It isn’t immoral to say, but not helpful either. Leave clever saying at home.
- Force them to talk about the loss (maybe they want distraction)
Call to action
“You can always talk to me. You can always call me, even in the middle of the night.”
After I broke my silence, I tried to demonstrate this to my friend because she matters to me. I think that when my friend was alone with her thoughts, the monsters crawled into her head. How could she fall asleep when her mind constantly surrounded death and pain? Alone with the monsters. But when she knew that she had someone to call at any time, she didn’t have to be alone with her monsters anymore.
The monsters can appear in everyday life when all the little things remind the griever of the happy memories with the dead, beloved person. Knowing that they can share their emotions with you will mean a lot to your griefing friend.
Actually act
You offered to chat and to help. That’s so great and a step in the right direction! Hopefully, multiple people will offer their help. But ask yourself:
Do you call someone when you feel sad?
I don’t, most of the time. People are afraid of accepting help. So it’s your time to go from “talk” to “act”. Be there instead of saying that you could be there.
Invite them — When you plan a big party, don’t fear to invite your griefing friend. If they don’t welcome a distraction, they won’t attend. But maybe the griever needs a distraction from the monsters in the thoughts.
Time & Place — There is a restaurant both of you love? Ask the griever to come there at a fixed time so that you two can talk.
Routine — When someone close to you dies, you lose a part of your life, which also includes a routine in the day. Routines are powerful and provide an anchor in life. Maybe you can drive with them to work every morning, or brunch with them every Sunday, or write them a goodnight message.
Visit — Come around, say hi. However, don’t disturb the privacy. Write that you’re nearby and ask if you can come around.
Be Honest
My friend means a lot to me. I love it to laugh with her about all these stupid things we did in our childhood. I love to play with her and our group of friends — I love to collect new memories. That’s why I want to be there for her. Expectations of others aren’t the reason why I want to help her.
A griever needs honest friends. They don’t need an actor who craves for sensation.
Maybe you don’t know the mourner well. Maybe you can’t feel their pain. Maybe you don’t want to be part of their sadness and their new routines. Maybe you aren’t that friend. That’s okay. I don’t want to behave like I was the person who was with my friend 24/7 after her loss. I tried to be there for her, yes, but another friend of mine took the position as her everyday anchor. It’s enough to give as much as you can and want and honestly mean.
Visit the funeral
At the funeral of her boyfriend, the church was full. But it only was a small room, and I was surprised when I saw that many people who I considered his friends weren’t there. I have to admit: Primarily, I didn’t go to the funeral because of him. I did it to support her. It was definitely the right decision, and I want to encourage you to lay down your concerns about funerals — even if you end up crying. Some funerals are family intern, but visiting an open funeral is a sign of respect towards the dead and the living.
Harmful anniversary
Three months after his death, she came to my birthday party. At first, I didn’t understand why she was so upset — until I remembered: Exactly 3 months. The day that seemed normal or even happy to me was a horrible reminder for her. Other friends had forgotten the specialty of the date, and now, it has nearly been a year since he died. I’m sure most people won’t think about it, but to forget this date is worse than forgetting your wedding day.
Grief doesn’t stop after a month, a year, or even ten years. So it’s important to show the mourner that you haven’t forgotten. Because I guarantee you, they don’t forget and these harmful anniversaries can be very lonely.
You can support your friend and help them to defeat the monsters that capture their thoughts. Your help is relevant. Let it come from your heart, and don’t overthink every word ten times. Show your emotions, because your friend needs a human right now, not a machine. A machine can’t take the loneliness away.
