The Dos and Don’ts of Attending a House Party on Zoom
I survived and you can too.
Navigating the “new normal” social situations we find ourselves in is no easy feat. The virtual house party is no exception. I give props to the extroverts trying to replicate their favorite parties via Zoom. And virtually pat on the back the introverts clicking “Join Meeting” with anxious anticipation.
If you find yourself in a virtual house party here are some helpful tips:
Do join fashionably early.
Zoom house parties come with complicated instructions on how to enter breakout rooms and what you will do in each of them. These are normally spoken at the beginning of the party and never to be repeated. You have been warned.
Don’t join on an empty stomach.
You know how everyone normally gravitates to the kitchen. The zoom house party kitchen is empty. The cellar-wine and cheese room looks like every other zoom breakout room. There is no charcuterie board. There are no wine pairings. You are going to work up a hefty appetite chatting for two hours straight with no snacks. Plan accordingly.
Do applaud the solo trumpet player in the music room.
The music room is where people who play musical instruments can entertain the other house guests. When the only musician, a trumpet player, plays the two songs he knows and then suggests Zoom karaoke, stay for a song. Realize that Zoom karaoke never works. Either you hear the karaoke music or the singer, never both at the same time. Get out of there immediately.
Don’t be the last two left in a room.
There is no escape then. I need to refill my drink. I see another friend I need to catch up with over there. Let me check out the snack bar (see above). All the fall back excuses no longer work. You are left staring at another person wondering who is going to end the awkward interchange first. Do not be that person.
Do make yourself laugh at all your witty side comments that go unheard.
Zoom is where witty side comments go to die. They never make it to the spotlight. You can go ahead and try. Even the best ones, that would surely have gotten a few chuckles will only give you confused side glances and furrowed brows. Remember how you used to be funny and move on.
Don’t expect to get a break.
Try to go to an empty room by yourself for a quick breather. Within minutes, the Zoom gods aka hosts will stick you in another room against your will. You have no control. There are no locks on these doors.
Do get yourself a headset if you want to control the conversation.
Tired of fighting for the spotlight? Are your vocal cords sore from yelling into the computer’s built-in speaker? With a headset, the Zoom world is your oyster. Your hair you meticulously styled beforehand will be ruined, but you will be heard. You can then ask everyone classic riveting questions such as, Where are you from? How do you pronounce your last name? What do you do for work? Continue until a new person enters the chat and repeat. You could be there for hours.
Don’t dance like nobody’s watching.
Or do. In the DJ room, all eyes are on you.
Do stalk your Zoom party crush.
Crazier things have happened. You just might meet your soulmate in one of those little screens. Turn on the charm, but please keep it to a minimum. We all see what you are doing there.
Don’t give up too soon.
Try the secret tunnel room. The game room. The powder room. The observatory. The hidden staircase? Why not. There are twenty different rooms to explore. Even though every room looks like the one before. Use your imagination. You might imagine yourself having fun.
Do thank the host.
This was nothing like the house party of old, but it gave you something to do on a Friday night. You were entertained for a few hours. You met some new people from several different countries who you will most likely never see again. Well done. You survived the Zoom House Party.
Leave the meeting.
