The Love that Faded Away
Having studied in a girls convent school all my life, my encounter with male friends was only after I entered my medical college. Few months here, I got into my 1st ever relationship with a guy in my class whom I truly adored.
My anxious personality collided with his peaceful nature and I started being more calm and collected. Handling stressors of life from bulky studies to adjusting to university life became much easier with him around. His mere presence beside me during innumerable days of lengthy exams with his hands held in mine warranted so much security and comfort. We were both deeply passionate about medicine and thus being together and sharing our intellect only made us more oriented and aligned towards our goal. And I couldn’t be more elated and happy at that time.
Everything seemed perfect until one day he called an end to this relationship only after 5 months of being together. He had his reasons but because I never saw this coming, I felt broken and helpless. My tears and pleads for him come back couldn’t shake his rigid decision even in the slightest way possible. I had to get a hold of myself and since we were classmates, I had to make myself get used to seeing him almost everyday.
One thing I always made sure was my portrayal in front of him as a happy and strong person. He who was an introvert didn’t make his presence much marked in class while I, on the other hand, made sure to laugh with my friends and look delighted at least in front of him. This mask of a happy go lucky cheerful girl that I wore in the classroom would fall as soon as I entered my hostel room.
I visited my psychiatrist a few times when my tears betrayed me in classes or libraries and at times during exams when I could smell his perfume while he sat just beside me. I managed not to let my break up hamper my studies for however heavy my heart felt at times, I knew I couldn’t lose myself in this pain for too long.
But even after a year of the break up , his single glimpse used to make my heart sink and I would have to grip my emotions. Even after a year of break up, I hoped for a day when we would finally get back together and be happy again. I still hoped he would come back and we would hold hands and be in love all over again.
And then after a year and half of separation, he finally came back! When he asked if I wanted to get back, I agreed without a second thought for why wouldn’t I, this was what I waited for so long. I had prayed and dreamt for this particular day of his return.
But things were different in the second term of our relationship. The flames of love in my heart didn’t rise that high this time. This time I didn’t like holding hands much often and his presence didn’t give me life like it used to before. This time his every habit didn’t make me fall all over him and his words of love didn’t touch my heart.
A year and half of separation had faded the colors of love between us and I only realised this after getting back together.
Despite everything, he was my truest love back then and I had to give my efforts to burn the flames of love again. My efforts didn’t require persistence for before I could put much effort, he left the relationship again after 5 months. And all I said was goodbye.
I didn’t cry or beg him to stay not because I stayed strong or I didn’t want to lose my self-esteem. I just didn’t feel a pint of sadness for something that didn’t occupy any space in my heart anymore!
This time when he left, I finally realised how the pain of love I was carrying all this time was only due to memories and not the actual person anymore. I was no longer held back by the pain of heartbreak, I was no longer a sad soul, and most importantly I no longer needed to wear a fake mask of being happy. I found myself free and light and happy again. And though I received numerous criticism from my friends for going back to him the second time (which absolutely made sense after I cried almost every day for a year ), I don’t regret going back and breaking up the second time. For it was this break up that fixed me at last.
