The No-Man’s Land Of Childhood Trauma
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
“Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.’’
No, this isn’t the outcry of a new totalitarian leader.
It was written thousands of years ago by St. Paul, to Colossians. This notion has stood the test of time as an unbreakable truth, especially among Christian communities. Τhe Zeitgeist of parental subjugation has also infiltrated the collective unconscious of non-Christians, whether they like to admit it or not.
The relationship between parents and children is inevitably shaped by the axiomatic presuppositions of a given age, most times without their awareness.
My childhood memories are still quite vivid about this.
I remember the church’s bells ringing happily a few blocks away from our village home, indirectly instructing the believers to attend the morning ceremony. Our whole family used to get in top shape for this ritual: elegant outfits, slicked-back hair preserved with drips of vanity, expensive perfumes, and little children in oversized suits, unaware of what’s going.
To be sincere, I was lucky. I was raised in a beautiful and relatively serene home, which allowed me to become an effective observer. So, I could feel what was happening behind the scenes. Our arrival at the church was always accompanied by my childhood friend’s gloomy faces, and maybe, anger. They didn’t want to be there. Hell, I didn’t want either, but I could find reassurance staring at the glow of flaming candles.
It was then that I felt it.
We were being forced inside a culture. We were pushed to sign a religious contract without consent. And the worst part? The Gospel instructed us to faithfully obey our parents.
After a few years, I began witnessing odd and precarious phenomena. A few of my previously rebellious friends started working at churches, memorizing enormous parts of the Gospel and following every ritual. Others were being psychologically harassed and pushed around by their siblings and family because they desired expansion rather than subjugation by a religion they didn’t believe in. The unlucky ones got a few bruises to ‘toughen up’, as they used to say in my village.
The majority of them, either subsided or got estranged and traumatized by this constant pressure. I was always wondered:
Why isn’t nobody today talking about the ways our religious upbringing shaped us?
I truly believe that the commandment of obedience is still embedded in our DNA. Of course, I don’t consider that this is the main cause of our silence.
We are also afraid to talk about our childhood traumas because we learned that speaking about them is taboo. Even if we talk about them, we often refer to extra-familial circumstances, rather than events occurring within the family. Our society is built this way.
Our parents must and should be accountable for their behavior. As should we. I know, this topic is deep and difficult to talk about, but we need to cultivate the courage to dig inside and meet our shadow. Thankfully, a few important scientists like Nicole LePera have decided to embark on this dangerous journey. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but we need to understand one simple thing:
It starts with us.
“That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”
— Carl Jung
It’s Not Your Fault
There’s a great scene in the film Good Will Hunting, where the late Robin Williams, playing a therapist, repeats the line ‘It’s not your fault’ to Will, a young man who’s simultaneously a delinquent and a genius. Although being dismissive at first, Will finally let's go, succumbs to tears, and falls in his therapist’s compassionate hug.
The young hero is the representation of a typical child who has been a victim of major abuse, often referred to as ‘Big T Trauma’. However, we need to recognize that life-threatening events like physical abuse, war or devastation, are not the only ones that are considered trauma. Any ongoing situation that causes distress, fear, and a sense of helplessness may qualify as ‘little t trauma’.
This is an important distinction, as teenagers and adults tend to diminish the impact a challenging relationship can have in their psyches, especially a familial one. They use phrases like:
- Others had it worse.
- It was needed for me to toughen up.
- It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I’m the renegade.
More often than not, adults don’t hold their parents accountable for their past behavior. They think that there was a reason, a justification for their punishment. They feel that they actually deserved it, and even if they didn’t, there are still countless other young men who live in worse life circumstances.
Growing up, we learned that our parents’ actions are justified and that we should turn a blind eye. That’s why most people feel that the abuse is their fault. We should try to shift our mentality and escape the doctrine of obedience. We need to become vulnerable and courageous about our past and consider ‘opening up’ to people that will listen to our stories, like a friend or a therapist.
The Body Never Lies
The Swiss psychologist, Alice Miller, as a victim of child abuse herself, has expressed her views on the relationship between psychological trauma and body physiology, in her book: The Body Never Lies. It was there that I first encountered the significant impact Christianity has on our familial relationships.
The psychologist explains that childhood trauma gets repressed because we’ve learned that we need to obey our parents, no matter what. She says that the impact of a person’s trauma can be ignored, but the body always remembers the distress and unhappiness, especially when we are reinforcing and triggering it.
Another scientist, Dr. Peter Levine, author of Healing Trauma, wrote:
‘The effects of unresolved trauma can be devastating. It can affect our habits and outlook on life, leading to addictions and poor decision-making. It can take a toll on our family life and interpersonal relationships. It can trigger real physical pain, symptoms, and disease. And it can lead to a range of self-destructive behaviors.”
We need to enhance our body awareness and face the possible root of our symptoms, be it physical, psychological, or behavioral, which may lie in our childhood and parental behavior. Temporary ‘therapies’ such as massage, alcohol, drugs, and medication can perhaps alleviate the symptoms but don’t address the root cause.
Forgiveness Is Not Always The Key
Almost a decade ago, we were back in my home village for the Easter holidays. It was a celebration. God’s resurrection engulfed every household, providing yet another verification for the existence of an afterlife. I was happy, as I was feeling the warmth of family hugs and stories of old around me.
However, not everyone was as lucky as I was. I got the chance to meet an old friend of mine. The distress on his face was extremely salient. He couldn’t hide it, and he didn’t need to. We had an open friendship that provided spaciousness for such matters. He was an upcoming scientist, pregnant with a rebellious and disquiet spirit ever since he was a child.
Although it was considered normal in our local society, my friend was a victim of psychological abuse. Christian society was total hell for him, and his agreeableness traumatized him. After undergoing CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), he was instructed to forgive his parents for their past behavior and embrace their flaws. His therapist told him that nobody’s perfect. Thus, he decided to return home after a lot of years of absence, as a sign of forgiveness, despite his initial hesitation.
I could see that he was anxious and depressed.
The family gathering had triggered his past trauma. He couldn’t handle it, but he was feeling forced to do so. After all, his therapist told him to.
Long story short, my friend never returned home for the holidays. He decided to create his own independent path, free from familial bonds. He created essential boundaries to protect his physical and psychological well-being. I believe that he still loves his parents, but that doesn’t mean he should continue to undergo such harassment.
Most people feel obliged to stay in close contact with their parents. I’m not a therapist yet, but from personal stories, I’ve realized that healing can also come by creating boundaries and keeping a distance that promotes vitality.
Conclusion
Our childhood is closely correlated with our current and future behavior. We can either accept this and explore our past, or shut our eyes, ears, mouth, and let it control our life.
‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ — Carl Jung
To sum up, everything we’ve talked about in this article about childhood trauma :
- Abuse is not your fault
- Listen to your body and don’t diminish your trauma
- Forgiveness is not always the key
- Create boundaries with your parents to promote vitality
- Get advice from an open-minded therapist and share your story
- Transcend the suffocating aspects of religious upbringing
To do that, we have to comprehend that our society has wired us differently. We need to dig down and unlearn, extract the necessary wisdom, share our story, and move on.
