The Transgression of Not Having Children
Reflections on fielding the “So, do you have children?” question.
People without children often dread being asked, “So, do you have kids?”
Answering this simple query can feel like stepping into a minefield. Parents tend to interpret your answer, your choice, as a personal insult or a challenge.
Some unsolicited retorts I’ve received from both people I know and virtual strangers after answering their question with a simple, neutral “No” include:
- “But you’ll die alone!”
- “Oh, so you’re selfish?”
- “There’s still time!”
- “Then what on earth do you do all day?”
- “You’ll change your mind when you start feeling ‘the void’.”
- “You better start having babies or you’ll be nothing but a sad cat lady.”
- “My neighbors don’t have children. They regret their mistake and live cold, empty lives.”
- “You’re going to be left behind in life!”
Such scorn all because I chose a different path than they did.
Responses like these hurt because they imply that my life holds less value than theirs. And yet, it is curious that these people never asked how I feel about it. I’ve never once been asked my reasons for not having children — but that conversation is another minefield all in itself.
Instead, people often condemn me as if I had attacked their choice to have children after hearing that I didn’t make the same choice. They rebuke as if they know, without a doubt, that I forsook the default desire to have children too, instead, focus selfishly and myopically on a fleeting, lesser desire: Wealth, travel, career, fame. (Hilariously enough, I haven’t made progress in any of those areas. Not that I aimed to.)
And yet I am content. I am living the life that I want to lead. It is a life I am incredibly grateful for, and one that I’ve fashioned to be meaningful to me and my family.
But they’d never know that.
So, parents, please know that my choice to not have children is not an insult or judgment of yours.
In fact, I am thankful that you have children. Firstly, I am in your debt for helping to refresh the planet’s population, because I’m not contributing to that particular area. But, more importantly, I am happy for you if having children is what you and any involved parties wanted. I am honored to be able to spend time with your kids or hear about their lives and watch them grow.
I’m happy that you are living the life you want. So won’t you be happy for, if not tolerant of, me and my life?
Just know that when I answer your “Do you have children” inquiry with a truthful “No,” it’s simply an expression of my personal choice.
It’s not meant to insult your choice.
So please don’t insult mine.
A simple change in your perspective can help those of us without children stop living in fear of that minefield of a question.
