“The world isn’t…made for me. It’s not made for lonely people.” — A Swedish Love Story (1970)
The line from the movie A Swedish Love Story (1970) mentioned above had stuck with me for a long time now. Since I can remember I was drawn to a solitary lifestyle. To some degree, I can see how past experiences, relationships, and personal beliefs have made me seek more contentment out of being alone. Not necessarily lonely, but spending more time by myself. Limiting my exposure to others. And it’s not as if I don’t need other people or connect with others.
I just believe the degree that some seek that connection varies. To some, it’s of utmost importance to be around people, have a social circle, and hang out. For others, they depend less on others and that’s fine, we are not meant to feel the same way.
“Lonely” and “Alone”
I would be lying if I said that I am perfectly OK alone and those feelings of loneliness do not surface. There are times that loneliness can be crushing. A burden that it seems you have to carry by yourself. There is a distinction between both after all. I can be alone and not feel lonely. I can be among others and feel lonely, for I feel like I just don’t fit in. Or I can be alone and feel lonely, in contrast to others.
We are all alone to some extent. We experience life from our perspective. We are born, live, and die alone. We are inside our minds and no matter how much we’d like to feel that others get us, they never will, nor they ever could. Just like we would not be able to fully reach others. We can talk about it all we want, but ultimately each of us walks their own separate path, at their speed. Alone.
When you hear the word — lonely — it instantly takes you to a negative state. A person that feels lonely is an individual who experiences a negative emotional state. Usually, when people say — I feel lonely — it’s a feeling they are trying to describe.
The Lonely People Paradox
“Lonely people fear a lack of connection to others, and therefore look for signs of failure in their relationships, which in turn undermines their connection to others, additionally reinforcing loneliness.” — Lars Svendsen
This is a psychological trap many face. Loneliness can be attributed in certain regards to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I desire a connection to others and yet there is a certain fear attached to that desire. Thus, when exposed to a social environment the person will look for signs that will validate their inner beliefs.
Those beliefs appear real at the moment and make the lonely individual avoid exposing himself to potentially harmful and fearful experiences. Attributing a negative emotion to a potential connection validates their loneliness and feelings of alienation from others.
What makes us human after all is how we relate to other people. That is undeniable. Past experiences and patterns that we have formed will influence how we go about new relationships. Isolation deprives you of an outside perspective.
“You cannot become a human being in isolation. Your connection to other people and the experiences you have with them shape your very humanity.” — Lars Svendsen
But loneliness is not just the negative emotion we get from lack of connection to other people. It can also apply when we perceive that others don’t need us. Because after all it’s soul-crushing when you feel that others are fine without you in the picture. And that the world will go about its business without you.
Loneliness exists because we are social creatures. It’s an emotional response to being surrounded by people and yet lacking a connection to others. When one feels like he does not belong, that is when those lonely feelings intensify.
“Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man. “ — Taxi Driver
Moods Affect How We Relate To The World
How you feel at any given moment will affect how you relate to the world around you. Imagine you received some great news. You passed a test you studied hard for. Or say the person you had a crush on for some time reciprocates your feelings. In those instances, you feel on top of the world. The world is great and you are enthusiastic about it.
Certain experiences will reveal certain sides of ourselves.
“Different moods will reveal different worlds and different selves. Some moods, such as fear or boredom, reveal the world as distant, while others, such as happiness, reveal closeness to the things of the world.” — Lars Svendsen
Alone you are your own company, be it the best or worst. And your perspective about yourself takes a change for instance when you are around people. You might get certain ideas or realizations that feel true to you, subjectively that is they are true to you. Yet, other people might see you in a totally different light.
Putting labels helps us function and go about our day to day life.
I guess that is why when some people are asked to describe a person they see certain things and quirks about them that they might have not even been aware of. People see you differently from what you would otherwise say about yourself. After all, you have your own biases as well. Awareness of that can lessen the intensity of loneliness.
“Loneliness shows you a lonely part of reality. However there are other parts, or other worlds if you will.” — Lars Svendsen
Usually, we think in patterns of — if A then B follows.
If I feel this way then that emotion is real and valid. But emotions are not rational. They are impulsive and spontaneous. Worst decisions are made when under the influence of emotions.
It’s OK to feel certain things, but it’s also important to not attach to those emotions and instead take them with a grain of salt.
This Is A Lonely Person’s Reality
Lonely people perceive themselves as well as others in a negative light. They are not good enough for society, neither could they ever be. They don’t belong and view themselves as outcasts, socially incompetent, and keep others at a distance. They have a hard time opening up and showing vulnerability.
They consider themselves different from others and believe that nobody can understand them. They are more likely to suffer from depression and other associated mood disorders. They are the first to reject. These beliefs alienate them and in turn make their reason for loneliness hold more truth.
“Lonely people perceive their environment as threatening. They consider other people to be less reliable and supportive. They seem to be difficult to get to know. More self-centered than others. Lonely people do not have a true relationship to themselves or others. They meet themselves only in the reflection they see in others’ eyes. They fear that they will never master the social game, and find it difficult to rely on anyone else. Ultimately, they are not actually interested in others — and that is precisely the reason they are so lonely.” — Lars Svendsen
In Conclusion
You are responsible for the choices you make and the beliefs you hold. It is in your power, after all, to make changes and adapt to improve the quality of your life. Nobody is going to do that for you except, you guessed it — you. There is, of course, fear attached to that realization for it’s scary to think about it.
Feelings of loneliness are usually reinforced by our pattern of behaviors. It becomes a tendency that you come back to, a comfort zone if you will. A place that is hurtful and yet manageable for the lonely. For they have grown accustomed to that reality and can’t see another one.
PS: The work referenced throughout this article comes from Lars Svendsen’s book — A Philosophy of Loneliness. Which I found to be a remarkable read in explaining the phenomenon that is so pervasive in today’s society.
