Turns Out, It Wasn’t All My Exes Fault
How I found a future in the mirror.
As I sit here writing this, I am single. I’m very much okay with this fact. It took me a while, however, to get here. I’ve had a handful of serious intimate relationships in my life and looking back on them, they’re filled with amazing memories. They are filled with painful ones too. I’ve learned a lot from those long gone relationships. It’s been quite a journey.
Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned from them is the importance of a mirror. The purpose of a mirror is to provide a reflection. But what if I’m not willing to look at what’s being reflected back to me? Life is a constant flow of lessons to be learned. Some hard, some easy.
The mirror lesson was a difficult one to grasp for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to learn it. I was simply too distracted to take notice of it. It was so easy to get caught up in the wrong done to me by others. What though, of the wrong done to others by me? Or even the wrong done to me, by me?
We hear all the time that it’s a two-way street and forget that it applies to us too. Emotions are powerful things. Especially in a relationship that is approaching destruction. I’m guilty of it. I got caught up in the insanity of it all and forgot that I was also a player. I shared a role in the demise of a connection.
I want to learn. To consistently grow in life. So as I reflect on intimate relationships of the past, I must look at myself. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Allow me to rephrase and repeat: People CAN change. That change, however, must be changes of self.
To think that we can change others is just plain wrong. The anger and disappointment I felt towards my exes was certainly justified, just not ALL of it. What about me? What about my contribution? I wasn’t as innocent in the process as I would have liked to think I was.
Bad decisions were made on both sides. Hurtful words were shouted by both parties. I have found over the years, that it’s rarely just one person's fault. At least in my own experience. Sure, my exes made massive mistakes and made terribly hurtful comments. But, where was I? On the frontline of the attack, is where. An attack that looking back, I played a role in creating.
I should be clear that any amount of physical violence is unacceptable. This wasn’t my experience, but I know it is others. That being said, I have to take some responsibility in the death of my past relationships. Looking back, it was so easy for me to play the victim. It couldn’t have possibly been my fault. I loved them. I would have done anything for them.
I took it too far, though. I put my relationships ahead of everything in my life. My work, my friends, myself, my sanity. I was looking to fill a void inside of me that was left there by childhood trauma. A responsibility that I unfairly placed on the shoulders of the men who once loved me. Hindsight truly is 20/20.
I had no idea this was what I was doing. What I thought was love was interpreted as smothering. What I thought was strength was interpreted as weakness. I was unable to deliver the product I had initially advertised. Confidence, strength, happiness. I was completely blind to myself.
Something needed to be done. The only way I was going to head in the right direction was to step away. After my last relationship, I was exhausted. I decided I was going to be single for the indefinite future. That was four years ago. What have I found at that time? Myself.
Being single for this long has taught me a lot. I’ve learned what it feels like to truly love myself. The ability to look at my reflection in the mirror and see both the good and the bad. I had to be able to face the decisions I made in those relationships. Was it fun? No, not at all. Was it needed? YES! Taking responsibility for what I bring to the table is a truly freeing feeling.
Now, I won’t sit here and say that everything was my fault and that my exes were innocent casualties in the war of love. No way. They made decisions, said horrible things, caused chaos. The thing is, so did I. I can’t carry the weight of others’ decisions, it’s too much. I have enough to carry. I can’t change them, but I can change me.
So that’s what I’m doing. I want to learn and grow. Part of that is looking back at my own decisions. What I brought to the table. Taking responsibility for the things I said. The choices I made. My exes hold a very special place in my heart and always will. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. A place of clarity and acceptance.
Do I give my exes all of the credit? Of course not. Are they absolved of all their wrongdoings? No way. I just recognize that the closing of the relationship wasn’t completely in their hands. I had a role. I played my part. Because of them, I learned lessons only the relationship shared with them could have taught me. For that, I am grateful.
Looking at what I bring to the table is something I can, and will do in future relationships. It doesn’t stop there, though. What I‘ve found to be called the mirror technique, can be applied to literally every area of my life. To every relationship. Not just romantic ones. By looking in the mirror, I am present and aware. The things we say and do affect others. I want to be a positive addition to peoples lives.
I have no interest in being a thoughtless robot wandering the streets. I have to show up. Mind, body and spirit. So yeah, it turns out it wasn’t all my exes fault. I must work to change the things that I can. To be better than I was. To evolve. My reflection doesn’t have to be scary. It all starts with me, so I keep my mirror clean.
