Better Living Through Mindful Action
When Was the Last Time You Felt Appreciative?
A reminder that gratitude is good for you, and yes, that’s supported by science
Genuinely thoughtful social media posts are rare. Or am I just hanging out in the wrong places?
Whether it’s just my social circles or the whole internet, I was surprised late last year when a friend’s post popped up in my Facebook feed with a disclaimer. I understand, it said, that this question may be upsetting for some people, and I hope that by recognizing that, I can reduce suffering. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
She was right, too. The post was lightly but distinctly laced with financial privilege, which some people do find annoying—or even actively painful. But she explicitly recognized the potential for harm and expressed sincerely that she wanted to avoid it, so in the end, I wasn’t bothered.
In fact, I sent over an emoji-sprinkled private message of appreciation, and my friend answered in kind. She even called me a fantastic person, which is gratifying even if I can’t bring myself to agree.
I might seriously have been annoyed by her post, though, if she’d seemed blithely unaware of its potential impact on her less well-off friends. Other people’s posts, ones that have come off with a narrower, more self-centred perspective, have aggravated me in the past.
But my friend’s visible empathy transformed a situation that could have inflicted casual harm into an instance of mutual gratitude. One conscious act intended to limit suffering set off a cascade of positivity.
Our entire message exchange was quick, simple, and super laid back. The conversation took less than a minute, but I felt notably, unexpectedly happier afterwards. Before getting on Facebook I’d been on the tetchy side, suffering from post-Christmas, pre-New-Year’s malaise. Yet my change of heart was effortless and completely unintentional.
That made me think: I spend a lot (really really, A LOT) more time working on solving existing problems than I spend appreciating problems that have been solved or prevented. That’s natural and reasonable (at least when you have a lot to fix about your life), but is it healthy?
Maybe not. While problem-solving can indeed improve depression and anxiety, it turns out that appreciation is a powerful act all by its lonesome, and I could stand to do more.
Case in point: One study on positive psychology showed that when people hand-delivered a thank-you letter for a previously underappreciated act of kindness, it boosted their happiness and decreased their depression for a whole month.
The letters were written to people who’d hadn’t been properly thanked before, so maybe some of the benefits came from resolving unfinished business—but either way, that seems like a pretty fruitful return on investment.
Seriously. Express thanks for a single kindness, and feel better for an entire month? I’d feel a little dumb not to try it out. And interestingly, I feel better right now, sitting with my butt in this computer chair, staring at a screen and saying thanks in my head to a totally fictional kind person who deserves recognition for a past worthy deed. Kind of cool, no?
In another study, when a university director thanked people who were raising funds for the school, it motivated them to make more fundraising calls. They didn’t get paid extra for making more calls, so it’s pretty convincing that they made the extra effort because they thought (or felt) it mattered.
Which makes total sense. Nobody likes believing their efforts make no difference. When you feel that at the very least, someone appreciates your hard work, that work now has meaning no matter what happens.
None of this is shocking, but it’s easy to discount the power of low-key forms of positivity. Appreciation? It sounds like part of an elementary-school event with paper banners on the walls and plastic cups of Kool-Aid on a disposable tablecloth: It’s Iguana Appreciation Day, everyone! Hurray!
But that tiny, 20-second exchange of goodwill with my friend was a gift in disguise. It not only changed my mood; it also provided a gentle smack of a reality check.
Sure, I intellectually understood the power of tiny positive acts, but that kind of understanding is pretty tepid compared to the visceral proof of having a vivid, real-life experience. Before the conversation, I understood a concept. Afterwards, I felt the concrete reality of things. I believed, where before I’d only thought, that showing appreciation matters, and so does feeling appreciated. And as always when this is the case, I’m happy that there’s science to back that up, for extra reassurance and validation.
Actually, I find it pretty encouraging that I can bump up people’s well-being by doing things they appreciate. They feel good, I feel good—just thinking about it feels pretty darn good.
See? Even imaginary appreciation has power. It’s encouraging just to anticipate purposeful action. Kindness actually does pay—in well-being if not always in money—when appreciation is involved.
So when was the last time you appreciated someone else’s work or kindness? Did you express it? If not, can you express it now?
One teensy thank-you card could trigger a flash flood of positive events—so go ahead. Why not? Write that little note, and see what happens.
