Why Listening Is An Awesome Super Power
#3 It’s the secret sauce of successful relationships
I was recently on a zoom call with my friends. We have made this a weekly routine as a way to overcome the social restrictions Covid-19 has brought to our lives. Somehow the topic veered towards what’s each of our superpowers is. One of them stated it’s their zen-like calmness amidst the chaos that her three children bring to her life. Another responded it’s her ability to be vulnerable with her partner.
I said mine was being a good listener. My friends scoffed almost simultaneously. “Everyone can listen, Jayanti. That isn’t a superpower..”
There weren't too off the mark. Everyone can listen. But do they? Do you listen to everything being said to you?
There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.”
— Simon Sinek
As I talk about it with more and more people, I have begun to realize that listening is not innate. It doesn’t come naturally to young or old. It is a skill that needs to be cultivated for professional and personal growth.
Listen to More, Don’t Talk Less
Listening is not a passive process, it is active. Being an active listener by no means that you should speak less.
“Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet.”
— Krista Tippett
Personally or professionally, there is a lot to be gained by being an active listener. It provides real-time feedback to an idea shared or an issue to solve. More importantly, it gives you an opportunity to understand a person.
For instance, earlier this year, my friend asked me to talk to this guy she had begun dating recently. She was not sure if he is the one, but had a good feeling about him. So she asked her girl-friend (enter me!) to talk and get a feel of the guy. When I met the guy (it was in an ice-cream parlor), I noticed a couple of things. He insisted he would place the order, went up to the counter. Asked the guy for the top three flavors, and went ahead and placed them. He was perfectly courteous and warm. But he didn’t ask us for our preference.
He came back and talked about how the guy at the counter felt like a midget as he could just-reach the countertop and guffawed at this comparison. Enter the ice-cream, he handed us the flavors he had chosen for us and before our first taste, already pronounced them as the world’s best ice-cream ever. All through the encounter, I listened attentively to his anecdotes and how he talked to my friend. His actions and words were opening up a door into his mind. All in all, I advised my friend to give it more time and not rush into things.
There is only as much one meeting can tell you about a person. But it would give a sense of a person’s nature, even though they haven’t been expressly communicated.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen H. Covey
To Listen is To Respect
Mostly, people think they are listening, but really, they are just waiting for their turn to talk. It is so very common that in conversations, one person’s statement triggers a chain of thoughts in the mind of the listener. This is immediately followed by an urge to talk about the thoughts the mind reminded you of. One could say that isn’t this an active form of engagement? Not acknowledging the conversation and choosing to talk about one’s own experience is a sure-fire way of turning off the other person. It’s not much of engagement then, is it?
As a kid, it happened once that my bench-mate lost her most favorite pencil. She was forlorn and sad for many days. I told my father I found her behavior extremely childish (this is 11 years old me talking!). I also told him that I advised my friend to move on because I had lost my favorite pencil too but didn’t brood over it for more than a day! My father sat with me and gave me a piece of advice that has stayed with me forever. Never compare or underestimate another’s woes. If anyone is confessing their story to you and what hurts them, just listen. Do not interrupt or begin talking about your own experience at that point to them. The act of listening is like giving respect to your friend’s feelings, even though you can’t do anything to help her.
Talking about feelings and vulnerability is excellent life advice. But equally important is the skill to listen to them. When you listen to another’s story, even if you may agree, disagree, find it funny, or unimportant, but the act of listening at that time when the person is willing to share is a sincere form of care. That simple act can go a long way in helping another person to open up.
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
— Bryant H. McGill
The Secret Sauce of Successful Relationships
When I think about the most valued quality of my partner, it is his ability to listen to me. Mutual love and respect are, of course, the founding pillars of a healthy relationship. But what truly makes a relationship, is the ability to actually listen to each other. This holds true for any relationship, not just romantic ones.
When we give our earnest full attention to people, they are more likely to share information and feelings which helps in fruitful interaction. The relationship becomes stronger on the basis of these interactions.
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” — Karl A. Menniger
I realized the immense power of listening after I went to therapy half-decade back. I had been estranged from my brother for more than 4 years at that time. It was not for lack of affection or love, it was simply because I couldn’t listen to his point of view. The respect I had for him growing up had fizzled out, not because he did any harm to me. It wasn’t until my therapist made me realize how we had stopped listening to each other was causing more of the issues between us that made me realize the power of active listening. That was the toll the act of being a passive listener had taken on our relationship.
This was when I realized how important this skill was. I won’t claim I have managed to learn all of it yet. While that is still a work-in-progress, I do believe we need to sensitize and talk more about mindful listening. It’s as powerful as the power of vulnerability.
