Your Ex Is The Key To Finding Your New Partner
Dating is a process of becoming clearer about what works for you.
Breakups are never easy. Everyone is different — there is no definitive timeframe for getting over a breakup. Studies show that an average American gets over a breakup in about 3 months, while marital splits take longer, with divorcees needing about a year and a half to recover and move on.
As we trudge through the trenches of a breakup, our minds cling to the past relationship. Something wasn’t working in the relationship, whether the breakup was initiated by you, your partner, or both. Maybe there wasn’t even a clear initiation, but one of those nebulous modern dating terms like ghosting or the slow fade.
Either way, something was wrong. Several puzzle pieces were missing, which caused the demise of your relationship. It’s easy to take stock of all the bad crap in your past relationship. You didn’t like their friends, their mom was overbearing, they didn’t spend enough time with you, they were controlling… the list could be endless.
But it’s also easy during the initial stages of a breakup to miss your old flame. A study showed that when people experience a breakup, it lights up the same neural pathways of physical pain.
Amid the pain during a breakup you are more likely to romanticize your past relationship, only thinking about that relationship’s positive qualities. We don’t want to romanticize the relationship, but we should pay attention to the things we miss about the old relationship.
Use Your Fantasy About Your Ex to Your Advantage
When reminiscing about any of your exes, you mourn what could have been. This fantasy, though not the most productive in getting over the relationship, will allow you to recognize what you actually want out of a partner.
Relationship expert, Susan Winter, suggests that we actively process our past so that we enter a new relationship “clean”.
First, we should take a look at ourselves and identify any of our unhelpful patterns. We must take responsibility for our actions and figure out where we can make improvements.
Second, think about all of your past partners. You should write down what you liked and what you didn’t like about the relationship.
Susan Winter makes it clear why we should go through the process of assessing our past relationships:
“If we didn’t deal with our issues in the past relationship, we’ll revisit them in our next relationship.”
Dating is a process of learning what works for you. Mishaps in a relationship will give you clarity about what aligns with you.
Make Your List of Positive Relationship Qualities
With this list in hand, you will know what to look for in yourself and your next relationship.
I made a Positive Relationship Qualities list based on my past partners. Though I tend to focus on what was absent in my past relationships, it was a therapeutic exercise to think about what was present.
It’s hard to shift from a perspective of scarcity to abundance. Instead of focusing on what was lacking, turning my attention to the positive aspects of the relationships made me realize that I’ve already attracted wonderful things in my life. All that I need to do is attract more wonderful things.
Even if the whole of the relationship was not serving you, you can find at least one positive reason why you entered into the relationship.
Let’s talk about the positive qualities I already had in my previous four relationships.
What did I like about my past relationship?
Relationship 1:
- He was loyal to his family and friends.
- He would show up for me when I needed him.
Relationship 2:
- He accepted me for me.
- He had a strong moral and ethical code that he followed.
Relationship 3:
- He was clear about what he wanted in a relationship.
- He liked doing fun and communal activities.
Relationship 4:
- He was passionate about his work and was a hard worker.
- He had a great sense of humor.
- He made me feel like I was the most attractive person on the planet.
Now, think about what you didn’t like, but then transform that thought into a positive affirmation. Reframing a complaint into a positive affirmation takes some mental gymnastics. You are rewiring your brain to focus on what serves you, not what doesn’t serve you.
As Deepak Chopra says,
“What you pay attention to grows. If your attention is attracted to negative situations and emotions, then they will grow in your awareness.”
Let’s focus on positive situations and emotions. Here was my best try:
What did I wish for in the relationship?
Relationship 1:
- He is secure in himself.
- He is mature.
Relationship 2:
- He shows up for me when I need him.
- He is open about his feelings.
- He has healed from his past traumas.
Relationship 3:
- He accepts me for me.
- He empathizes and respects my feelings.
Relationship 4:
- He is consistent.
- He follows through with what he says.
The irony of relationships is sometimes we swing to the opposite pendulum when we change relationships. You hated that your ex was a homebody? Well, your new partner likes to party all of the time. I have oscillated from codependent relationships to avoidant relationships.
Rather than oscillating between extreme opposites, find balance. Instead of falling into the same pattern, get clear about the type of life you want to live.
Doing this exercise gave me hope for my future relationship. Clarity brings empowerment.
Embody the Positive Qualities
You can’t sit around and wait for the perfect partner to show up. You can’t even go out and hunt for a new partner. You need to first practice embodying all of the qualities that you seek in a partner.
What do you give in relationships?
Do you say that you want peace but accept chaotic people in your life? (I’m calling myself out). Is it because a part of you isn’t at peace yet?
I’m a firm believer in the adage: practice makes perfect.
Make it your daily practice to embody the positive qualities you want in a partnership.
This way when the right person shows up, you will have no doubts because you are clear about who you are and what you want.
