Bullying — A Common Threat to Kids: How to Spot it and What You Can Do

Your 10-year-old son seems subdued, quieter than usual. And, he also has more frequent tummy aches for no reason that you can determine. And, those upsets typically occur in the morning before school and he then begs to stay home. Plus, he seems more clingy or sometimes more solitary — not wanting to play with other kids as much.

Should you be concerned?

Of course.

Your child is sending you a message that all is not right in his (or her) world. Kids can’t analyze and therefore don’t have insight into what feels uncomfortable or even frightening to them. But their behaviors transmit an alarm — if we’re paying attention.

There can be many reasons for your child’s altered behavior, but the one I want to address today is the likelihood that he or she is a victim of bullying. Because the behaviors above are warning signs of just that — being bullied.

First, take them seriously. Take your child seriously.

“When I was being bullied, I was given some parental advice: ‘Just hit them back.’ So simple. My dad didn’t even look up from the TV,” wrote one bully victim on the stompoutbullying.org web site.

Not the most helpful approach.

In order to help your child, you need to:

Educate yourself.

Let’s begin with a definition…

What Is Bullying?

In 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and the Department of Education released the first federal uniform definition of bullying. The core of this definition includes: unwanted aggressive behavior; observed or perceived power imbalance; and repetition of such behaviors or a high likelihood of that repetition.

Bullying can be direct — it occurs in the presence of the targeted youth; or indirect — the targeted youth isn’t present, such as efforts to harm the reputation or relationships of the targeted child as well as property damage.

Cyberbullying involves primarily verbal aggression (threats) and relational aggression (spreading rumors). It can also involve property damage that results from electronic attacks that modify, damage, or destruct a youth’s privately stored electronic information.

Some bullying actions can fall into criminal categories: harassment, hazing, or assault.

Who’s at Risk?

No single factor puts a child at risk of being bullied or bullying others. It can happen anywhere, and to anyone, but some groups — such as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning youth, youth with disabilities, and those who are socially isolated — may be at increased risk.

Generally, children who are bullied have one or more of the following risk factors:

· They are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses or different clothing, being new to a school, stuttering, etc.

· They are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves;

· They are depressed, anxious or have low self esteem;

· They are less popular than others and have few friends;

· They don’t get along well with others, may be seen as annoying or provoking or antagonize others for attention.

But popular kids can be bullied as easily as others. Just look at some of the celebrities who have been targeted.

Is There a Relationship Between Bullying and Suicide?

There isn’t an easy answer to that. But while bullying alone doesn’t cause suicide, persistent bullying can lead to or worsen feelings of isolation, rejection, exclusion, and despair, plus depression and anxiety — all of which can lead to suicidal behavior. However, the vast majority of young people who are bullied do not become suicidal. Most young people who die by suicide have multiple risk factors.

How Prevalent is Bullying?

The 2015 CDC National Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Report indicates that 20.2% of 9th through 12th grade students in the U.S. were bullied on school property. And 15.5% of 9th through 12th graders reported being electronically bullied via email, chat rooms, instant messaging, websites or texting in the previous 12 months.

In one large study, about 49% of children in grades 4–12 reported being bullied by other students at school at least once during the past month, whereas 30.8% reported bullying others during that time.

Most bullying happens in middle school. And the most common types are verbal and social.

According to another large study, the following percentages of middle school students had experienced these various types of bullying:

· Name calling (44.2%);

· Teasing (43.3%);

· Spreading rumors or lies (36.3%);

· Pushing or shoving (32.4%);

· Hitting, slapping or kicking (29.2%);

· Leaving out (28.5%);

· Threatening (27.4%);

· Stealing belongings (27.3%);

· Sexual comments or gestures (23.7%);

· Email or blogging (9.9%).

Bullying is not usually a simple interaction between a student who bullies and a student who is bullied. Instead, it often involves groups of students who support each other in bullying other students.

Who Becomes a Bully?

A common reason that a kid is a bully is because he/she lacks attention from a parent at home and lashes out at others to get that attention.

Plus, as parents we role model acceptable behavior for our kids. If we bully a spouse or allow ourselves to be bullied, then we are endorsing such behavior and kids pick that up as a relational norm.

And, sad to say, kids who become bullies are often bullied themselves by a parent or an older sibling.

According to stopbullying.gov, there are two types of kids who are more likely to bully others:

Some are well-connected to their peers, have social power, are overly concerned about their popularity, and like to dominate or be in charge of others.

Others are more isolated from their peers and may be depressed or anxious, have low self esteem, be less involved in school, be easily pressured by peers, or not identify with the emotions or feelings of others.

Those who bully others do not need to be stronger or bigger than those they bully. The power imbalance can come from several sources — popularity, strength, or cognitive ability. Children who bully may have more than one of these characteristics. They are often angry, resentful and want to get back at someone, so they choose less powerful kids.

Now that YOU have some background on bullying, next….

Educate your child:

Talk with him or her first and find out why he/she is scared. Why don’t they want to go to school? Why aren’t they playing with their friends?

If you haven’t talked about bullying behavior previously, then you will need to describe what it’s like, what it includes, and what your child might be feeling. Be curious if any of that fits their experience.

Let your child know two things:

1. He or she is not alone;

2. And it’s not their fault.

Explain that the bully will usually find someone to attack, and they unfortunately got in the line of fire.

How do you help your kids deal with the bully?

Stompoutbullying.org offers a long list of things to do. The first being to see if your child can work it out on their own. But only if your son or daughter feels safe to either stand up to the bully, make a joke out of what they are saying, or walk away. If your child doesn’t feel safe, then as soon as your child can, have them go to an adult for help — parent, teacher, school counselor, crossing guards, etc. And if one adult doesn’t do anything, then go to another.

What kids should NOT do:

· Think it’s your fault. (No one deserves to be bullied.);

· Fight back or bully a person back;

· Keep it to yourself and just hope the bullying will “go away;”

· Skip or avoid school or after-school activities due to fear;

· Avoid telling someone; or

· Hurt yourself.

And if your child sees someone being bullied, make sure they:

· Don’t join in or watch. (Bullies love an audience.);

· Stop any rumors. (If someone tells you gossip, refuse to pass it on.);

· Stand up for the person being bullied;

· Tell an adult;

· Encourage the bullied person to talk to an adult; and

· Offer support.

Whether or not your child is a victim of bullying, parents should work with teachers, school administration, students — including bullies — to educate everyone that such behavior is unacceptable. Creating a community-wide bullying education and prevention strategy can also help.

When adults respond quickly, consistently, and pro-actively to bullying behavior, they send the message that it is not acceptable. Research shows that this can stop bullying behavior over time.

Resources:

Send our personalized eCard to a child that gets bullied to let them know they have your support: https://brealecards.com/ecards/bullies-and-heroes/

The following are resources for parents and kids to get more information on bullying:

Stopbullyingnow.gov — Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, this site addresses the warning signs of bullying; how to talk about bullies; how to report bullying behavior and offers a 24-hour help hotline for victims: 1–800–273-TALK (8255).

Girlshealth.gov/bullying — This site offers help for those who witness bullying.

Stompoutbullying.org

Wheelchairsagainstguns.org — 7 bullying tips and interventions for families.

#HereForYou — Use this hashtag on social media to let classmates know that they have your support and a person to reach out to if they ever need to talk.

Whatever your child’s experience of bullying, talk about it with them. Make sure they know they have your support. Bullying is threatening behavior and therefore never acceptable.

Be there. Be real.