4 Powerful Reasons Why It’s Taken Me So Long to Stop Drinking
Sobriety doesn’t have to be lonely
I have had 2 extended periods of abstinence from alcohol. The first time was the first 5 months of 2017 as I trained for the Wimbledon half marathon in London. The second was when I was training for the Philly marathon in 2019 and lasted almost 12 months.
Both times I felt incredible for not drinking and both times I ended up going back to drinking — which I regret.
I have struggled with the idea of stopping drinking for years, creating a constant internal conflict in my head, weighing up the pros and cons on a daily basis. This constant battle has been wearing me down and I am now at a point where my reasons for continuing to drink are unjustified and downright illogical.
We all know that alcohol isn’t healthy. We may try to deny it and ignore the obvious, but alcohol is a poison that damages the body in more ways than we care to admit. I know this all too well! I know what it does to my body and my mind, I have felt it too many times.
So why has it taken me so long to get to this point? Well aside from the obvious fact that alcohol is an addictive substance, there are other far more compelling reasons that actually make it harder to stop than just the physical addiction — at least for me.
Sobriety can be a lonely place
For a very long time, I have wanted to quit drinking. However, everyone around me drinks. My husband, my friends, my family, and (most of) my colleagues. My fear has been that should I quit drinking, I might lose some of my friends and I hate the thought of that.
Throughout my life, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. So I always just tried to fit in wherever I was. In school, at work, and in my social life. Rather than just being me and showing up as I really am and who I want to be, I showed up as who I thought the people around me wanted me to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had an amazing life so far and I have no regrets (aside from going back to drinking). But the thing is, it’s very hard if not impossible to make deep and meaningful connections and truly feel like you belong, if you’re not authentic. If you’re not being true to yourself and who you really are, you end up feeling lonely anyway whether you’re on your own or not.
I can attest to that. And then I realized if I have this sense of loneliness anyway, why not find connection and belonging in a community of like-minded, sober-curious people?
It’s part of my culture
I am gay and I almost feel like this is my second coming out story. Only this time, I’m coming out as sober-curious.
In my experience, drinking is a huge part of the LGBTQ+ culture. For someone who has always been searching for a community to belong to, it has been all too easy to just go with the flow.
Until recently, I had never met a gay guy who doesn’t drink. Nor one who doesn’t particularly enjoy the “gay scene”, who doesn’t get involved in it, and is actually ok with that. It sparked hope in me. Hope that there are more people out there like him and like me.
A Google search revealed that there are. Particularly a couple of groups sparked an interest for me: Gay and Sober and Front Runners NY. Knowing that there are LGBTQ+ people who choose to stay sober is cause for celebration in my world. A celebration without alcohol of course.
Being the odd one out
There is a reason why almost everyone around me drinks. Drinking is the norm. It’s likely one of the most “normal” things one can do.
Alcohol is a huge part of society, whether we like it or not. It is literally everywhere we look. Try spending a day noticing how many times alcohol comes up. Or even just a couple of hours. Conversations; advertising; supermarket displays; movies; etc., there is no escape.
In addition, alcohol is practically synonymous with socializing, parties, having fun, relaxing, holidays and vacations, Friday nights, dating, and much more. It seems to have become a struggle to go anywhere or meet anyone without alcohol being part of it.
As a result, if you don’t drink you stand out. You’re an outsider, you’re going against the grain, and you’re called out for it often having to “justify” why you don’t drink. For most people, this alone is enough to continue to drink.
FOMO
For me, this has probably been the most compelling reason of all. I have such a strong fear of missing out with just about everything. It’s the same reason I have a hard time sticking to one job, but that’s a different story.
I always want to be part of everything. If I am invited to two separate events on the same day, I will literally have a meltdown. I go out of my way to try and be at both and if I can’t, I find myself wondering what’s happening elsewhere, unable to pay attention to anything, and not being present.
This is also the reason why I tend to be the first person at any event and the last one to leave. It has been a struggle for a long time, but I am working on it.
I’m sure you can then imagine how easy it is for someone with a severe case of FOMO to “fall in line”, when it comes to alcohol.
It’s ironic that all the while I was drinking, I was missing out on all the things I really wanted to do. All the adventures I could have experienced; the races I could have completed; the connections I could have made; and so much more.
Instead I don’t even remember many of the events I was attending due to the effects of alcohol. I’ve had way too many blackout binges over the years, far more than I care to admit.
Final thoughts
The above is not my excuse for continuing to drink — on the contrary. As irrational as these reasons may seem, they are simply my truths. Acknowledging them as part of my struggle gives me strength and empowers me to stop.
And they are irrational — irrational fears. As mentioned, I’ve abstained from alcohol before and friends and family have been nothing but supportive. Never have I lost a friend because I stopped drinking. In fact, I have gained friends and colleagues because of it.
During my last period of abstinence in 2019, I was also the happiest I had ever been in my life. Why I decided to start drinking again is beyond me, but that is in the past and this is where I am now. At the start of a new journey and one that I cannot wait to share with everyone.
If you need help to cope, you’re not alone.
If you’re ready to try something different, read beautiful hangover and discover what I did to get freedom from alcohol. Do whatever it takes to stay sober for 30 days: go to your doctor, try Smart or AA or Hip Sobriety or Soberistas.
Listen to Recovery Elevator and SHAIR podcasts. Read This Naked Mind. Try Moderation Management.
There is a whole community of people waiting to help you. Reach out. Something better is waiting.
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