My Dealer Shot Me Up The First Time
Until the day I die, I’ll never forget the first time I injected heroin.
***Trigger warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of IV drug use.
Within a month of trying heroin, I found myself with a syringe in my arm. I had held off shooting dope for as long as I could. This is how it happened.
The dealer pulled up, and after getting in his car I asked him if he’d been cutting his product down to nothing. It wasn’t as effective as it once was. I still remember the greedy smile he gave me as he told me he had a surprise for me.
I was sitting in the back, and he told me to place my arm on the center console. I did what he asked. He reaches in the glove box and pulls out a fresh rig. Now, typically any normal person sitting in a car with two men — both of whom were most certainly armed — holding a syringe, would get the hell out of there immediately. I, on the other hand, found myself both nervous and remarkably excited.
He quickly cooked up the heroin, told me to look the other way, and began feeling around the crook of my arm with his finger. There was no way this human shitstain was an addict himself, yet he navigated my veins with the precision of a highly trained nurse.
I felt a quick poke, and just like that, the dope hit me like a freight train… 1,000 freight trains. I recall his driver laughing at whatever face I was making as if it was the funniest thing in the world. Fuck both of those guys.
Why Heroin Addicts Use Needles
Not a single heroin addict I have ever met started off with the aspirations of shooting up with a dirty needle in a sketchy gas station bathroom somewhere. I certainly never thought I’d find myself with a syringe in my neck of all places. If IV drug use is gross, inconvenient, and snorting will perfectly suffice…then why do addicts like myself switch to shooting up?
The answer is threefold:
- Within a short period of time anyone who is snorting heroin regularly will build an obscene tolerance. It gets REALLY expensive, really fast.
- There is a huge misconception that you can’t overdose from nasal insufflation (fancy medical term for snorting). While some professionals will tell you that you are just as likely to overdose via snorting…this is in my experience false. You are a thousand times more likely to OD from a needle, but with heroin and especially fentanyl, taking too much too quickly is always a very real possibility regardless of your preferred ROA (Route of Administration.)
- Curiosity. When snorting is inevitably not fulfilling its duty to junkie standards, the needle starts looking real tempting.
What Happens When You Start Shooting Up
I do know of a FEW addicts who have never used a needle out of fear, but I know of NONE who have went back to snorting after using a needle — at least not by choice. Simply stated, when sniffing heroin you’re dealing with a kitty cat…when you start shooting dope you’re dealing with a lion.
The vast majority of heroin addicts, be it out of financial necessity, overconfidence, or pure curiosity, will eventually end up with a needle in their vein. Once this happens, your chances of coming out of the other end alive are pretty grim.
While I was addicted to heroin immediately, for addicts in their infancy who might only use on weekends or a few times a week… as soon as you shoot up it’s game over. The rush you receive from a needle completely alters the feeling of the drug.
Movies portray needle users as feeling the drug instantaneously, and while it comes on pretty quick, I have found this to be Hollywood fiction. Depending on where you inject and it’s relative location to your heart (neck vs. feet for example), it can take from 5–15 seconds light up your world…and when it does you’re totally fucked.
What used to gradually take minutes to take effect now hits you all at once. You literally feel a wave, or rather a sensation of sorts, that to this day I have yet to be able to put into words. The only way I can describe it is warm.
This wave of warmth makes its way through your body, washing away your worries, sorrows, and pain along with it.
I don’t mean to glorify dope, but my objective was to no longer give a fuck about anything or anyone. I was sick of being angry, bitter, and heartbroken. Heroin was the most effective chemical I have ever found in regards to killing every aspect of who I was as a human being.
I hated myself, yet I really didn’t want to die. So heroin was perfect.
The second I used a needle I had finally found a drug that allowed me to just check out.
The lights were on but nobody was home, and I discovered more solace in the numbness of total oblivion than I had ever found in the love of another human being.
I no longer needed people in my life, fellow humans would just disappoint me. They would leave me crushed, bitter, and abandoned, so fuck that.
As long as I had dope and a needle I was guaranteed to have a good day — and if I died doing it, so what? Nobody was going to mourn for another dead junkie.
I Swore I’d Never Shoot Up
You have no idea how morbidly amusing I find it when someone tells me that they’re not an addict and ergo better than me because they’ve never used a needle. In their delusional minds, they look at my mutilated arms and say:
“Jesus, I’m not that guy. I’ll never end up like that guy.”
DO YOU THINK THAT I WANTED TO BE THIS GUY!?
I too thought that I could snort heroin like a gentleman. You think I like these scars? Do you think I like breaking the ice with any potential woman I find myself attracted to by explaining just how I got them? You think I want to stare at these eternal reminders every morning and think about the horrible things I’ve done?
As long as I had dope and a needle I was guaranteed to have a good day — and if I died doing it, so what?
I’m going to be blunt about this; if you have moved past the casual experimentation phase with heroin and find yourself transitioning into full-blown addiction, you will end up using a needle if you don’t die first. Period.
You can only keep chasing the dragon for so long on your piece of shit mountain bike with a Ferrari staring you in the face, and once you hop in that car there’s no turning back.
The best advice I can give is this…
If you or someone you know is still snorting heroin or just beginning their amateur carer with dope, seek help before you or they turn pro. There are tons of resources out there, and you’ll meet some pretty kickass people along your way.
Quit using heroin to numb your pain, and make some friends who are willing to help you deal with it — it’s impossible to do alone. Believe me I tried.
If you’re struggling to quit using, help is available.
If you’re ready to try something different, try NA. Do whatever it takes to stay sober for 30 days: go to your doctor, try Smart or AA or Hip Sobriety or Soberistas. Read beautiful hangover. Listen to Recovery Elevator and SHAIR podcasts. If you think it could work, try Moderation Management.
There is a whole community of people just waiting to help you. Reach out. Something better is waiting for you.
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