Each and every one of us struggles our way through a unique and difficult path on this journey we call life, in the desperate pursuit of happiness. There is a formula to achieving happiness. Just as in math, knowing the formula is only half the battle. It’s an entirely different story when you actually have to apply the formula to solve the real world problems (equations). In our pursuit for happiness we often face the same problems with receiving the correct answer, which in this case is happiness. In other words, by us “claiming” to know the formula to happiness, this does not in any way mean that we are always happy or that we will always get it right.

Finding Yourself

One of the first things we have to do in this life in order to find happiness is remembering who we are or rather we must find ourselves. What does that mean? Who are we?

What I mean when I say, “who we are” is figuring out what our personal values and morals are. In the beginning these exist in us at a subconscious level. We allow the world or religion to define these for us. We allow our parents to define these values and expectations. As we grow older and become more independent we start allowing friends, heroes, and other sources to help us define our values and justify who we think we are as well as the decisions and the choices we make. We begin to mimic those we look up to.

Creating Escapes

Until we know our values we are unable to truly find happiness. We continue to search for happiness in all of the wrong places. We look for escapes. By escapes I mean we look for ways to escape stress instead of managing the stress we have.

We start to search for what we think will make us happy. Sometimes that is a person. We think having someone who loves us will make us happy. So we are deceived into believing that other people and relationships can make us happy. Often times it’s money, beauty, popularity, power, respect, or other worldly things. Other times we get caught up medicating ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes.

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you.” — David Foster Wallace

Once we are able to comprehend that escaping what is bringing stress into our lives won’t bring us the happiness we feel is missing, for example, more money, more friends, family, better job, etc… won’t bring about happiness. Only one person is in control of our happiness.

We are the only ones who decide whether or not we are going to be happy. Regardless of circumstance happiness can be obtained. This does not mean to say that the pursuit to happiness is as easy for everyone, however “easy” or “hard” in itself is a relative and subjective term and is highly based on personal perception.

Overcoming Selfishness

From the very beginning humans have been placed in a state to act according to our own will and pleasures, whether to do evil or to do good. We come into this world completely dependant on others to sustain our lives. All of our experiences from the beginning of our lives support a belief that we are the center of the universe. Thus we naturally are self centered. This becomes our default setting. The world as we experience it is based off of how people and things affect us individually. The way we think of things is to say, “this is in front of us or behind us. That is to the left or right of us.” We also become possessive of our things. As a child we begin to say, “these are my toys.” Think of the peek-a-boo game. When you cover a baby’s eyes, they really believe that what they are no longer able to see, no longer exists and that it is gone. We slowly have to develop the faith to even comprehend that things continue to exist even when we don’t see them. We must learn to overcome this method of thinking. It’s a matter of choosing to not see and interpret everything through the lens of self and being completely self-centered.

“There’s a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there’s also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf — seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.” — George Saunders

We must learn to bridle our passions, desires, and appetites. We naturally make decisions based on satisfying and indulging our own selfish needs, passions, desires, and appetites. We naturally experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of our life with the unconscious belief that we are the center of the world, and that our immediate needs, passions, desires, and appetites are what should determine the world’s priorities. For instance if someone cuts us off on the highway we only think about how their action affects us. We don’t think about who that person is and why they made the choice they did. What if it’s a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he’s trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he’s in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than we are. Perhaps it could be a mom who has been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer.

Happiness comes through learning to manage stress through forgiveness and love. By love I mean selflessness. By this I mean we must place other’s needs ahead of our own. It’s forgetting about ourself or rather losing ourself to find ourself. The love I speak of is synonymous with the word charity.

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth” — 1 Corinthians 13

Real happiness and freedom from stress involves attention, awareness, discipline, and being able to truly care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over again every day. It comes from truly loving people (placing another’s needs ahead of your own) and forgiving yourself and others daily and repeatedly. We must be filled with this love to truly be happy. We must be long suffering, kind, not envious of others, not puffed up, or seeking after our own. We should not be easily provoked, or thinking of any evil, but instead we should rejoice in truth, bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things.