I Wash My Face Now, Whatever. Who Cares?

Like that will really help to deal with the crippling anxiety that is everyday life.

This isn’t me.

I’m going to be honest about myself right now: I’m 28 years old and for the past 20 years I’ve been a real shitbird when it comes to taking care of my skin. Especially the skin that’s on my face (faceskin). I think it stems back to my childhood. When I was in first grade, I really liked Noxzema. The smell was intoxicating to my small child nose and I liked how soft it made my skin feel. (In retrospect, my skin was probably not soft from the Noxzema, but instead from the fact that I was seven). I’d also get bored really quickly and without any pets or siblings I’d have to come up with some pretty inventive things to do when even my Barbies got too boring for me. So, like any other kid, I’d lock myself in the bathroom and clean the shit out of my face for like 20 minutes. I smelled great.

That was also a really good way to find out that I have extremely sensitive skin. I woke up giddy one Thanksgiving morning, excited to stuff my tiny face with stuffing before taking six naps, and ran to the bathroom to partake in my normal routine: Pee, not flush, pretend to wash my teeth (unless I had bubblegum-flavored toothpaste) and then lather my face up with an obscene amount of Noxzema. Except when I got into the bathroom I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror: my face was bright red and covered in hives. I panicked and then did the best thing I could think of to combat the predicament I found myself in: wash my face with more Noxzema. Big surprise, that only made it worse. My face was now red, itchy and burned. And to make it worse, my mom told me I couldn’t use any more Noxzema.

So that’s a long backstory as to why I don’t really do any sort of regular facial routines, not because I’m lazy and can never get my shit together in the morning or anything like that. I also am guilty of sitting directly in the sun for hours during the summer with minimal protection, burning my face early on in the season before it tans. (I get a great tan, by the way).

I know what you’re thinking, “is she nuts? That’s absolutely horrid for her skin!” Well guess what, you judgmental harpies, I wash my fucking face now like a real adult so throw me a goddamn party, why don’t ya?

Here’s my daily routine:

This is especially important for those nights where you’re just too goddamn piss drunk to remove the smudged mascara and lipstick before you decide to eat fried food in your bed and fall asleep with your shoes still on.
This is Volcana, who is apparently a Marvel superhero I learned about while writing this article.
I do this to get rid of the dirt buildup I get from burying my face into my pillow and silently screaming before the nightmares wake me up panicked, with gnarly worry lines all over my face.
  • Then I use this bullshit, it’s pretty good and only like $1.99 at GNC:
For a while I was using a Clinique moisturizer which worked pretty well. I found it buried in the bottom of a makeup bag in my room, so I assume it was a free sample I got somewhere. I ran out and looked online and saw that they run for like $40 so fuck that shit. The GNC stuff is my new jam cuz it’s cheap and honestly I still don’t think I know what moisturizer really does.
Who even knows what this magical stuff is but it’s called BB and that’s cute!

Then, I slap on some foundation and a “natural” makeup look because apparently it frightened people to find out that for the longest time I wasn’t wearing makeup to work. I guess that’s a “no no” in today’s advanced society.

WHOA, WHOA WHAT’S THIS?!

If I’m feeling extra fancy, I put some of this mud and/or mask on my face and run around my apartment pretending I’m a monster before I sink into a too-hot LUSH bath to feel luxurious while I read a book, sip some wine, then question what I’ve done to deserve such a treat. Then I realize that the answer to that question is nothing, I’ve done nothing. I don’t deserve this. In fact, I have something important I should be doing, there’s a story I need to finish or some work I need to catch up on. Time to mentally punish myself into a state of exhaustion so when I get out of the tub I really won’t get anything done!

So, how has my life changed since starting up this routine?

Well, now that I’ve added a solid 15 extra minutes into my morning routine, I’m constantly late for work. Also I guess my skin feels softer or something. Does any of it really matter in the grand scheme of things? No, nothing we do does. We all just float around this world hoping that something will make us feel fulfilled and we do all of these little health and wellness tricks to avoid the fact that the sun is going to one day explode and only the richest people who can afford to launch themselves into Mars will be able to escape its fiery wrath, leaving the rest of us schmoes who can only afford cheap facial creams behind to burn.

Let me know of any tips and tricks you have in the comments! XOXO!


Jamie L. Rotante is actually really excited that she has a morning face care routine and will literally write about anything. Check out more of her drabbles and dribbles at www.JamieLeeRotante.net.