A new reality — our first steps in a new world
Our little Mason had safely joined his Mum & Dad in the world and in an instant, life was changed forever.
We felt all the feels when he first arrived and fell in love immediately. But our minds quickly moved onto the main question: How do we keep a tiny human alive?
They say that the first few weeks are always the toughest part of parenting. Dealing with the drastic change in lifestyle, having someone completely reliant upon both of you and needing almost constant attention as he deals with his own new surroundings, etc.
The following article outlines what our first couple of weeks with our new guy was like, as well as actionable advice to help you navigate this journey when yours begins.
First of all, we did not find it as hard as everyone made out — and we also didn’t have any in-person support due to COVID-19 (although some may say that this is one of the reasons why!). We know we are also very fortunate to have a good baby and were successful breastfeeding, which not all parents have. The first few weeks are all about you and your partner getting to know your newest addition; how can you not enjoy that!? Make sure you focus on the little guy, get to know his quirks, get to know his non-verbal cues (e.g. hands to his mouth means he needs food). Our favorite one to find was his poop face, which we have decided is a funny little fish pout (not too dissimilar to the blue steel look in Zoolander!). You’ll feel love like you have never felt before, and everything that used to feel like a chore now just becomes part of your day with the little guy.
Your days will start to merge into one and you’ll look at the clock most days and realize it’s 3 pm and wonder what you did all day! Jen and I found our groove reasonably early on and worked well as a team to deal with our new reality. We filled our days with calls home to England to speak to family and friends, watching lighthearted series on Netflix (Schitt’s Creek passed the time very quickly!) and cooking where we could.
We had an incredibly supportive group of friends who all joined together to provide us evening meals. It cannot be understated how helpful this was; knowing dinner was taken care of each night allowed us the time to get to know Mason on an even deeper level. A big thank you to Hilary for setting it up for us and also to those who contributed.
As a Dad, there are times where you will feel useless, and it’s really tough to deal with. The main reason… you don’t have boobs! You’ll be hanging out with your baby, and then before you know it, he’s gone from sleeping on your chest to crying and there’s nothing you can do about it apart from handing him over to Mum to feed. I hated this feeling of helplessness and tried to overcompensate by being there with Jen during the feeds — both in the middle of the day and the night. This just wasn’t helpful to Jen, and she was great at telling me to stop it and get some sleep or do something else useful. This took a bit of getting used to, but the fact is, once the baby is breastfeeding your job is to support Mum in other ways, as she is looking after the baby and will be for the duration of his meal!
A comment Jen used a lot was “there’s no point in us both being tired at the same time” — this was true as we worked as a tag team to keep Mason happy and, during the day, these pockets of time ARE when Dad can clean the house, make a tea for Mum, have a shower, put the dishwasher on, empty the diaper pail, make sure lunch is ready, etc. During the night, you can catch up on some sleep and then when the baby needs Dad (between feeds), you are ready to go!
There really isn’t much you can do to help your baby when Mum is breastfeeding and coming to that understanding as a couple early on was crucial for us to ensure the rest of our life was in order — that’s Dad’s job.
Another aspect that we found extremely important was communication. Luckily, both Jen and I are extroverts and don’t have too many problems communicating, but it became crucial during our life change. We tried to get ahead of this prior to Mason arriving by talking about our fears of looking after a baby and what we thought each other’s tendencies would be when we’re both tired and battling the unknown (ours were snippiness and nitpicking how we did tasks). This early communication helped during the first two weeks, as it allowed us to check ourselves if we found that we fell into bad habits. Remember, you are both learning, you are both growing as people and parents, and there is no point arguing or criticizing each other. Remember, neither one of you is trying the hurt the baby, you’re both doing the best you can to look after him. Having an open dialogue about what you are learning, exchanging soothing techniques, asking questions about what you should do, etc. is really important to keep sane and ensure you are both on the same page.
Within the first few weeks, you find that you have lots of time where the baby will be sleeping on you and you can’t do much. When this occurred, I started searching for content about being a Dad or finding people who contribute to a ‘Dad community’ of sorts, but I struggled to find much. There is a lot of content out there, but most articles focused on Mum — Dads also play a big part! The lack of information inspired me to create this Medium publication and set the goal of writing articles and content on a regular basis; sharing my experience and hopefully helping others along the way.
Luckily, I found a small new Dad community in my own group of friends. Jonny and Amy have a lovely little girl, Evelyn, who is 5 weeks older than Mason, and I have another friend, Chris and his amazing son Arthur, who is 5 hours younger than Mason! Having these new Dads to bounce experiences and ideas off is going to be crucial, and we can’t wait for our kids to all be friends in the future!
So finally, here are some tips I picked up and learned over the course of the first few weeks of Mason being in my LIFE. I hope this list is useful and helps you navigate this journey:
- Forget about extended sleep — Say goodbye to 8 hours of continual sleep, especially during the first week. Babies normally lose weight during their first weeks of life and it’s up to you as parents to ensure that they get back to their birth weight as quickly as possible. This means a rigorous feeding schedule of every 1.5-2 hours (sometimes more often), day & night, to ensure that your baby gets enough food — so good luck sleeping!
- Keep track of feedings, poops and wees — It is important to keep abreast (pun intended) of when the baby is feeding to ensure baby is taking in enough food. It’s also important to keep track of baby’s poops and wees; This is another indication baby IS getting enough food and his digestion is healthy. We started tracking this manually, but then our friend Amy recommended an app that made everything so much easier! It costs $8.99, but it’s worth it, as it’s a simple few clicks to start timers for breastfeeding, noting poops and wees, and showing feed and wee trends.
- Establish a routine with your wife early — As mentioned earlier, find a routine you are both happy with as quickly as possible. This will be different for everyone, but ours at a high-level was Jen was in charge of feeding and I did anything else that needed to be done around the house. Your wife will need you more than ever, especially when she is healing and hormones are all over the place.
- Support your wife as much as possible — The most important aspect of the first few weeks of your babies life is feeding, that means that if you have chosen to breastfeed, then Mum has the main job and Dad needs to help out where he can to support her in this endeavor. This means grabbing the breastfeeding pillow, prop up your wife with pillows to ensure she’s comfortable, fetch everything she wants (water, food, etc.). It could even mean spoonfeeding your wife as she is feeding baby! Mum being ready to go from feed to feed is your main priority.
- Nappies and chores are Dad’s job — Not much more needs to be said here. Every dirty nappy and all the household chores are Dad’s job for the foreseeable future.
- No love is too much — For the first 4 weeks of babies life, you can’t spoil him enough. That means lots of cuddles and plenty of nights where he is sleeping on your chest. Our pediatrician told us not to worry about spoiling him — as long as the baby is happy and calm, that’s all that matters.
- Setup is key — You will be spending a lot of time on the sofa with a baby fast asleep on your chest. It probably took you a while to get him to this relaxed state, so you dare not move for risk of waking him, whilst at the same time battling to stay away yourself! This is why setup is key, especially in the middle of the night. Some tips: Get yourself comfortable first, make sure your devices (phone, iPad, Kindle, etc.) are close by to distract you and keep you awake, ensure burp cloths and swaddles are within reach, have water nearby, and make sure you go to the toilet before you settle down. If you forget any of these, then you could be in for a long stint on the sofa or a restless and wide-awake baby.
- Get to know yourself — You’ll be spending a lot of time awake with just you and baby. Make sure you’re comfortable spending time on your own and pass the time wisely if you can! I ended up typing the majority of my first 4 blog posts in the middle of the night, with one hand, as Mason was asleep on my chest!
- Curate a watchlist — Sometimes you are so tired you just need something to keep you distracted whilst your baby is sleeping on you. During the day, check off those TV series that you have been meaning to watch for ages! Create a list jointly with your partner, but also make sure you have your own list too — explore series you want to watch, but know that your partner won’t like.
- You’ll become a one-handed wizard — Throughout your days and nights with a newborn, you’ll master the skill of completing tasks single-handedly. This includes washing hands, typing on a phone, reading, etc. Get a Kindle as it allows you to read in the night without having to worry about turning a page or holding a book!
- Stock-up on Cold Brew! — A tip I learned after accepting the best care package from the Mizonos filled with cold brew. Waking up at 5:30 am and knowing you have to be up for the foreseeable future is daunting, and let's be real, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to make yourself a flat white whilst a baby is wanting to sleep. Keeping a fridge of cold brews reserved for these moments that you can just grab and sip on during these early morning sessions is a life-saver!
- Plan ahead if you plan on leaving the house — Leaving the house is now a laborious task, not anything like it was pre-baby! The stories are all real, and you need to give yourself a lot of time prior to leaving if you want to be on time. This even means planning way in advance so that your baby’s feeding schedule matches your own schedule, hopefully. You don’t want to get baby dressed and ready to leave, to then realize he needs food or has a blowout, as that could throw your whole day off and make you extremely late!
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help — As an Englishman, this bit of advice was hard for me to accept; I get uncomfortable when people go out of their way to help me! But you will be surprised by how helpful people are during this time in your life. Remember they want to help and you should accept it, as you have a lot of other things that are going on in your life — now is not the time to be proud!
- Remember to love your wife endlessly — Sounds easy to say, but looking after a newborn is a crazy time in your life, but don’t forget about your partner. Remember to hug, kiss, and tell her you love her. If anything, I have fallen more in love with Jen in these first two weeks after seeing how much of an incredible Mum she is to Mason.
- Remind Mum she’s doing an amazing job — Just as you’re feeling unsure as a Dad, your partner is feeling the same thing as a Mum. Remind her that she is doing a brilliant job and that your son/daughter is lucky to have her as a Mum. This reinforcement will help her continue to grow and flourish in this new life together.
I hope that this article was useful and you walk away with a few nuggets of information for when you embark on this stage of your life.
If you’d like to read more about our journey, please see the following articles on this publication:
