I Don’t Want
I tell you about my difficulties in motherhood. When you become a mother, you can’t do everything you want. You have to adjust everything to the child.
What I've been saying the most lately...
When I can't find a way out...
The word "I don't want"...
Underneath every "I don't want" is hidden "what I want to happen or what I want to do"...
I don't always want my son to wake me up. I want to get out of bed when I want to.
I don't want to prepare breakfast for my 2 year old son every morning, I want someone else to do that every now and then.
I don't want to tidy up the house after breakfast every day.
I don't want to wash and put away the dishes.
I don't want to prepare dinner. I want someone else to do all of that every now and then.
I don't want to spend all day at home taking care of my son.
I want my son to play by himself every day, to play with people his own age.
Or I want to entrust my son to someone I can trust, so that I have time for myself.
I don't want to adjust the places and times I visit according to my son's nap time and bedtime in the evening.
I want to go to the shopping center or to places 1 hour away from my house from morning to evening, according to my head.
I also want to go to the theater or a concert with my husband some evenings.
I don't want to eat myself up when I let my son sleep too much in the afternoon so that I can get more rest, and then when he goes to bed late in the evening because of this, I don't want to eat myself up because "he slept too much in the afternoon again!..."
I want my son not to sleep too much in the afternoon and I want to be able to rest well when he sleeps.
I don't want my son to sleep at 11 p.m. I want him to sleep at 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. so that I can watch a movie sometimes in the evening when I feel like it.
I don't want to change my son's diaper, I don't want to hold him by the arm to put him to sleep, I don't want to hear him cry while putting him down.
I want him to come to me with his feet when I say, "Come on, son".
I don't want my son to be constantly at my feet and clinging to my legs, so I don't want to shout at him, "Leave me alone!" I want to do my work or enjoy myself in the comfort of my son's near. I want to stay calm and be at peace.
I don't want to hide my books and notebooks upstairs just so they don't get torn.
I don't want to read or write in the notebook only when my son is asleep.
I want to be sure that my books and notebooks won't get torn
and I want to read or write in the notebook next to my son.
What do you think I should do to reduce this burden?
I think I need to start by accepting the fact that this burden exists...
Maybe most of what I want is a cry that I need more time for myself outside when my son is sleeping or without my son, who knows...
The burden of what I don't want is too heavy for me.
Okay, I agree, there is no rule that everything we want in life will come true.
However, if a few of the things I want could come true, maybe the burden of the things I don't want wouldn't be so heavy.
In order to be separated from my son, I need to entrust him to someone.
Who will it be?
My husband? My husband works during the week. He takes care of my son in the evenings.
A neighbor? As for neighbors, I have not established a close relationship with the neighbors since I have only recently moved in. Besides, not everyone accepts the responsibility of taking care of a child.
A babysitter? You'll need money for that. My son is already 2 years old. After this age, I do not believe that my son can socialize with a babysitter and gain sensory-cognitive skills.
The most logical place to entrust my son is a day care center or a kindergarten. This will cost money. I am aware of that, but at least my son will be socialized there and his sensory and cognitive skills will develop more easily. That's why I'm thinking of sending my son to a day care center or kindergarten next year.
Although I don't (can't) entrust my son to anyone or anywhere at the moment, sometimes when he is asleep I do some of the housework (especially the urgent ones) and don't do the others. I have half an hour of free time. Then I write articles to publish on Medium or read books.
Sometimes we either go to other cities with my husband's and my families. Or they come to us. When we are together with family members, they support us. Either they take care of my son or help with household chores. It is good for me that they support me in both options. This gives me more time for myself.
Actually, somehow I can make a little time for myself. My son is growing up. I'll be patient a little longer. These days will pass, inshallah...
