Before & After FtM Top Surgery — and the (Tough) Road Ahead
Let me start with the day/night before my surgery — Sept. 1st. To say that I was happy — to say that I was beyond nervous and afraid — understatements.
My wonderful wife, being the amazing person she is, got me a cake, complete with 3D printed greetings (She made them herself) for my big day. 😊
Fast forward to the morning of the 2nd — The BIG Day. I had to be at NC Specialty Hospital pretty early, as I was given the following schedule.
- 9:30 AM — COVID-19 Test (Let me just say that this is a horrible test. It seriously feels like the nurse is going to touch your brain with the swab — through BOTH nostrils. Ugh!) Thankfully my results were negative.
- 10 AM — Pre-Op
- 12 PM-3 PM — Surgery
Now, as you know if you’ve read my previous blog, my wife had to drop me off, as she couldn’t stay at the hospital, thanks to COVID-19. So we knew this would be tough for both of us.
Of course, just like any other appointment or procedure, things often do not start on time. But I was taken back to pre-op between 11 and 11:30. I got some instructions, my IV line inserted, put on the ugly (cat poop brown) socks and (floral) gown, answered some questions, and spoke with the anesthesiologist.
At this point, I had to put my clothes and phone in my bag and give it to the nurse to store until after surgery. So I, once again, texted my wife to give her another update and tell her I love her. Then I turned my phone off, losing any kind of connection to my wife and the outside world.
I was provided an update that Dr. MacPhee’s current surgery was taking longer than expected, but that she would come and get me soon. I finally drifted off to sleep but woke up to Dr. MacPhee greeting me, and apologizing for my surgery being so much later than it had originally been scheduled. She marked me up, answered some questions, and went to grab a quick lunch. Of course, I wanted her to get some food in her before she operated on me. I wanted her at her best, with plenty of energy and the ability to focus on the task at hand. 🤣
At this point, little did I know it, but my wife was freaking out — since she hadn’t received a call from Dr. MacPhee or anyone at the hospital and she didn’t realize that that surgery had been delayed or why the delay…or what the status of her hubby was.
The anesthesia nurse came in not long after Dr. MacPhee left to ask me some more questions and give me “the good-good”. After doing so, she rolled me down the hall, where I vaguely remember waving at a bunch of nurses and doctors and having a freshly warmed blanket put over me. After that, I remember nothing else — not even being wheeled into the OR. Apparently that was some really good stuff she gave me.
I don’t remember “coming to” right after surgery. I remember at some point, waking up in the post-op room and having my clothes brought to me. The nurses helped me get dressed and wheeled me out to my wife, who by that time, was waiting outside, after having received a call from Dr. MacPhee, along with discharge instructions. I remember a very small part of the ride home — but most of it was a complete blur.
What I do remember was my wife telling me that Dr. MacPhee told her that I had a small spot on my chest that was “dusky”, but she wasn’t too concerned. Apparently this freaked my wife out, as she (unlike me) knew what that might mean — and it wasn’t good.
When my wife removed my compression vest, gauze, and sanitary pads (yes, they are used to absorb the drainage from the two drains) — I could tell something wasn’t right. I could barely stand to look at my chest without becoming nauseous. It was pretty obvious that there may be some necrosis. Yes, I said it — necrosis. Below is what we saw that night.
I hesitated to share these photos, as I can barely stand to look at myself, but I also feel that they need to be shared. Is it embarrassing? Yes. Am I afraid of putting myself out there much too far by sharing these very personal pictures? Absolutely. BUT I have to overcome my fear, embarrassment, and even a bit of shame…suck it up and continue sharing my journey.
Apparently having a prior breast reduction and lift caused there to be insufficient blood flow to the skin in some places. Never would I have ever imagined this would happen, though I knew there was a risk. Dr. MacPhee wasn’t worried either — but both of us were (unpleasantly) surprised.
My wife started contacting my surgeon, Dr. MacPhee, right after we got home…and hasn’t stopped. She’s been taking pictures during my daily dressing changes and sending them to Dr. MacPhee. Needless to say, we were asked to come in for a follow-up with Dr. MacPhee the following day.
Upon arrival, Dr. MacPhee chose to remove a few of my stitches. In doing so, she uncovered a blood clot on my left breast — which of course “popped” and oozed down my side. Some good news though — my nipples appeared to look great. We were given some topical medicine, new instructions, and asked to “wait and see” before we made any further decisions — but it was “obvious that some of the skin was dying”, per Dr. MacPhee.
Let me say this before I continue — This in no way is Dr. MacPhee’s fault. She is an amazing surgeon and has never (in all the years she’s been doing this, and all the patients she’s had) experienced anything like this. She has been one of the most caring, concerned, supportive doctors I have ever encountered — being available to us daily — almost anytime day or night. She is committed to making sure I have a chest to be proud of — which will probably include skin grafts, at least one additional surgery, a longer recovery period, and whatever else she thinks needs to be done. I could not have asked for a better surgeon, and I’m truly thankful to be in her caring, skillful hands.
During this time, as you can imagine, there were a million questions running through my mind. I looked like a bad version of Frankenstein. I kept telling my wife I looked like a freak. I felt like I had ruined my life. I was scared to death — thinking “WHAT have I done? WHY did I do this???” I cried at Dr. MacPhee’s office when we went in for the follow-up on the 3rd — and that’s NOT something I do. BUT I WAS TERRIFIED. Not knowing…not having immediate answers…not fully understanding why this had to happen to me — it just seemed like I had reached the lowest point in my entire life. But I knew I had the love and support from my loving wife, her family, my friends, and colleagues — and I just kept saying to myself, “You’re strong. You’re resilient. You can do this. You HAVE to do this — for yourself and for all those who may go through the same thing or worse.”
We had to go back for a second follow-up Tuesday, Sept. 8th. During this visit, Dr. MacPhee removed the Tegaderm from my nipples and removed my drains. I was SOOOOO relieved to have the drains removed — and surprisingly I didn’t even feel it when she clipped the stitches and pulled them out.
Dr. MacPhee said my chest had improved but there would still be some skin grafting to be done. She thought my nipples looked good — though one was a bit white at the time the stitches and gauze were removed.
As you can see from all of the pics, I was extremely swollen (and still am) after this surgery — more than I’ve ever been after any other surgery. BUT — there was a massive amount of manipulation during this surgery — a lot of trauma to my chest— pulling the skin away from the muscle, and pulling it down, creating new places for my nipples, etc.
I go back for another follow-up visit on the 15th. During that time, we’ll talk about skin grafts and when the next surgery will be scheduled (probably within 2–3 weeks), as well as any additional procedures.
So…more to come. If you’re a religious person, please keep me in your thoughts. If you’re not, please send positive, healing thoughts.
I want to thank my wife, Jamie for taking such amazing care of me — without complaining. She’s been by my side, holding my hand, loving me, and taking care of me through all of this. She changes my dressing twice a day, washes my hair, gives me a bath, cooks meals that help in my healing and so much more. She definitely makes sure I get my walking and deep breaths in — no pneumonia for me. I just don’t know what I would ever do without her — and I hope I never have to find out. I love you, Jamie — to infinity and beyond.
I want to also thank my sister-in-law, Mandy — who drove here (nearly a 3-hour drive) and was here when we got home from the hospital. Without her, I don’t think my wife could have handled changing my dressing by herself — especially when I almost passed out when the first time.
Thank you to my sweet daughter who came and stayed with us, and helped out where she could. She brought brownies. 😊 Whether it was making a pot of coffee (or the 5th pot), taking out the trash, or helping her mom cook meals, it meant so much to have her here.
Thank you to our friend, Beth — such a caring, sweet individual. She brought food, a beautiful butterfly (I’ll have to share the story about it later), and this really awesome pillow that has been an absolute lifesaver for me.
Thank you to our friend, Morgan, who went to the store and picked up extra gauze and supplies that we needed, and has kept in close contact with us every single day, checking in to see how I was doing and what she could to help.
I want to sincerely thank every single person who texted, sent emails, WXT messages, social media messages, and more. There have been way too many to list here, and I am truly grateful for each and every single one of you. I do have to call out one of my former colleagues, Jennifer Walker, who has texted me every single day. Whether it was to just ask how I was doing, provide a supportive message, or share some motivational/inspirational videos — she has checked in every day.
Last but not least, I have to thank my entire Cisco Join & Connect organization. They have been so supportive, even sending a beautiful gift basket today — complete with a bottle of wine. 😊 🍷
If I missed anyone, I am truly sorry. Know that I am beyond thankful for the support, encouragement, and love I have received and continue to receive from everyone. I will need it as I continue down this long road to a full recovery — and hopefully the results I hope to end up with.
Peace & Love to all. Take care of yourself and each other.
Liam 💙💓💚💛💜
