THE Removal — It’s Almost Time

I haven’t been able to really get a good, full night’s sleep for at least three weeks, because I’ve been worried about my top surgery. Don’t get me wrong — I’m excited about it. Hell, I’ve been waiting to get rid of these chesticles my entire life. Why wouldn’t I be excited???

But there are other feelings that are constantly running through my mind — especially at the end of the day when it’s time to close my eyes and go to sleep. And I think I can finally put these feelings into words. Perhaps it will help.

• I’m afraid of the pain. Yes, I’ve had surgeries in the past — but this one, this one is HUGE…and complex…and scary. Damn it…I’m even dreading the IV they’re going to start in the “top of my hand or my forearm”. WTH?!?!
• I’m afraid of all the medications. Right now I have five — yes 5 — prescriptions. GEEZ! I don’t even like to take medicine.
• I’m afraid I may test positive for COVID and not even be able to have the surgery. Though I’ve been really cautious — wearing my mask, washing my hands, etc. (and I have never had any symptoms), you just never know.
• I’m afraid of the consequences of coming to almost a complete halt for a few weeks during recovery. What is that going to do to my body and soul?
• I’m afraid of not being able to help out around the house, the burden I’ll be to my wife, who already has enough on her plate.
• What if something goes wrong? I’m afraid of death.
• Is there something wrong about wanting surgery in the first place? In asking to have my boobs removed, am I just giving into some fictitious binary? Couldn’t I just live like this forever and not bother with this whole stressful, scary, painful surgery nonsense? No, no, no, I CANNOT.
• As elated as I’m going to feel about finally getting rid of these things — how am I going to feel otherwise??? I’ve had these almost all my life. Won’t it be similar to having a limb removed? How will it feel not having these big “bumps” just sitting on my chest?
• How long will it take me to truly feel comfortable walking around with no shirt on — outside of my house, around other people??? I have been dying to do that, but will it be easy for me to do?

I woke up at 3 AM this morning and couldn’t decide whether I was having a panic attack, a heart attack, or if it was just my imagination playing tricks on me.

I had a dream (well, more like a nightmare) that I woke up in recovery at the hospital — and NO ONE (not even the nurses or doctors) was there. I was truly all alone. What does that even mean???

Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m terrified. Hopefully, all goes well, and I wake up in the recovery room with a huge smile on my face (and very little pain).

Here’s what I know about fear and uncertainty — they’re not going away. And that’s alright. I don’t know what’s on the other side of this surgery. I have a guess. And I’m going with it. Because I know it’s what’s right for me.

Here’s to the next (big, scary, wicked) step in my transgender journey.

Liam