Becoming Liam
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Becoming Liam

Day by Day…Hour by Hour…Minute by Minute

My facial expression after yet another conversation with my doctor’s office

Since deciding to begin my medical and physical transition toward maleness, life has been quite stressful…and at times — depressing. I’m currently waiting for my consultation with my top surgeon — scheduled for July 23rd but will still need to wait until the following March to have the surgery. Yes, everything is either a waiting game…or a stretched-out process. 😒

I can hardly wait until that day — when, after surgery, I can unwrap my chest. I can just imagine standing and looking at myself in the mirror. It will feel like the weight of me is different. Although I know I will be very sore, a huge burden will be lifted.

Perhaps the most extraordinary moment will be when I can hug my wife for the first time — without breasts. I know it will feel like there has been something between us that I hadn’t noticed until it was removed. The next will be being able to take off my shirt and walk around my house, my yard, the beach, etc. without care. I know that I will be a different person, physically and emotionally.

I can imagine that there will be new ease in my life. Once I visibly transition, I imagine there will be less struggle. My interactions won’t be as fraught. Things should just get easier — I hope.

BUT right now — I’m struggling with this extremely lengthy process — and all the hoops, hurdles and roadblocks that seem to be a constant part of this journey. Whether it’s trying to weed my way through all the red tape of health insurance, determine how and when to go about getting my gender and name changed legally (which is a ridiculous process in and of itself), argue with my doctor and pharmacist regarding single-use vs. multi-use vials of testosterone, constantly beg my doctor for a higher dosage of testosterone (meaning more bloodwork/labs as soon as possible), or simply the constant search for facial hair and body changes — it’s a daily struggle, and much harder than I ever expected.

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