Love Isn’t Always Unconditional & Family Isn’t Always Blood

I had planned to use this story to share my childhood experiences, including the fact that I’ve known, from the time I was approx. 8 years old, that I didn’t belong in my body…and that I wasn’t a girl.

However, since I decided to “come out” (yet again) to some of my family members last night, I thought it was more important to share…as it was absolutely one of the most difficult things I have ever done. To be honest, I had no expectations. I mean, damn…I’ve been let down and hurt numerous times by family members. So rejection was certainly a reality to consider.

Below is the letter I shared with them:

Dear all,

Writing this is a frightening task for so many reasons. I’ve sat down to write it several times but could never manage to make sense out of what I need to say. Part of the problem is simply not knowing where to begin or how to explain what has gotten me here. I’ve done so much talking recently — to many people.

Nothing recently occurred to bring this about now; it’s just time to address this head-on and move forward. This is long overdue, but I wanted to collect my thoughts before coming to you with this. I’m not sure how much you will understand or even tolerate. I just hope that you will keep an open mind, and that you will at least make a concerted effort to understand.

I suppose the first step in this should be to assure you that I am coming from a place of unprecedented comfort with myself and understanding of myself, and that I am excited about my future. It is a tumultuous time for me, but an exciting one as well. This is not a personal attack on any of you. I’m not trying to make a statement, although I know that that might be unavoidable. I realize that you are unlikely to share my eagerness or enthusiasm, but I think that it is important to reiterate that this is, for me, something positive.

It’s tempting to go back and share all of the experiences throughout my life that have led up to this, or help to explain it. Right now, I’m not as concerned with how I got here, as I am with where I go from here. Just know that this has been a life-long battle for me. I’m being more honest with myself and others, including you. I’m ready. This is my time. I will be authentically, 100% me…no matter what.

As opposed as I have always been to the idea of “coming out,” I suppose that it is fitting to say that I am coming out as transgendered. Maybe you’re now wondering what that means. I have tried throughout my life to be a girl/a woman. But it has never felt right. Even during the years when it seemed to be “working,” I wasn’t happy…I wasn’t me.

There were times when I just wanted to kill myself and put an end to the pain and heartache I constantly endured. I’ve always felt trapped inside my own body, and there’s no way out. I’ve never harmed myself — even when I was a teenager and thought about how much easier it would be, for me and everyone else.

I have accepted that what makes me the person I am in the first place is my gender. It has always been a source of anxiety for me, both internally and in my interactions with the world. Before now, I had just attempted to deal with it by ignoring the issue entirely, trying to circumvent it, desperately trying to ignore it. Now I can finally face it, own it, accept it…and even get excited about it.

I am transgender. I’ve never made a believable girl or woman; nor have I ever been comfortable “pretending” to be one. I’ll never be like other men, because I have the distinction of having a girlhood and young womanhood behind me. But I’m okay with that. I have been sitting down with myself and figuring out what I want — not what everyone else wants, or thinks I should want/need. I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my own happiness to please, accommodate, or protect others.

I do now identify, and have always identified in some respect, as male. It is incredibly uncomfortable and painful for me to suppress that, and I’ve done it all my life. I am not comfortable being addressed by female pronouns or by my given name.

I have spoken with my doctor about starting Testosterone and should be able to begin March 19th. I have a preliminary consultation with a doctor who performs chest reconstruction surgery for FTM (female to male) individuals. I understand that this must be difficult to come to terms with, and I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I’m just asking you try mine on for just a little while. Remember…I’ve had to walk in these shoes all my life. All I am asking for is as much of your support as you can give.

I have already come out to my wife, and friends, as well as many of my colleagues at Cisco. To say that my wife has been supportive — wow, I gotta tell you, she’s like a rock, and I feel her unconditional love wrap around me every day. Without her, I know my journey would be even harder. When I say “I married up”, you have no idea just how much I mean that. She’s an angel, and I’m so lucky to have her in my life.

Cisco is supporting me completely through all of this, even providing people to help me along the way. I couldn’t imagine working for a better company or with more supportive people. Most people have already begun to address me as “Liam,” and have also begun to use male pronouns when referring to me. I cannot describe how exhilarating that is, how right it feels, how much more comfortably I relate to those who respect those things. It is not a perfectly smooth process for people, but their efforts are all I ask for, and they have come a long way, for which I am eternally grateful. I hope that you might also respect these things about me.

I need you to understand that it is more difficult and painful for me to ignore these issues, to work around it, to live without ever dealing with it all. This is who I am, and I feel good about it. It would be much more difficult and painful for me not to transition. Yes, I am looking at a long, sometimes bumpy road and difficult times ahead of me. I’m aware of that, but I can barely contain my excitement for finally having found and started down this road. My only regret is not having made this decision much sooner in life. Being honest with myself and with others makes it that much more enjoyable. Life is short, and I have no more time to waste hating the body I see when I look in the mirror.

I assure you that I’m happy about this. I’ve been completely unhappy with my body/my gender all my life. It’s been an ongoing storm, constantly in motion, constantly at war, constantly in turmoil.

My biggest concern is losing people who are important to me, which is why I’m going to such lengths to include others in this process and to explain where it is coming from. I have support networks in place, but that could never replace my need for family. I want you to see the positive effect that this will have on my life and is already starting to have. I want you to be able to look at me with something besides disgust and shame, and to see how much more genuine I have become by finally addressing my gender. I am still me. I am still your child, cousin, sibling, your blood relative. I do not want to lose you. I hope that you will exhibit some of the tolerance and open-mindedness that I have seen from so many in my life.

I recognize your concerns that I might be shutting doors for myself by choosing this path, that I might be compromising opportunities in my career. I may encounter obstacles, but overall, I have been pleasantly surprised by the medical community, friends, family, including my Cisco family.

This letter is difficult, because I cannot stand the idea of you all being the ones who do not support me in this. I have spent so much of my life wrapped up in shame about my gender. People who know me or are learning about me tell me that I am brave and strong and beautiful in what I am taking on. I hope that you will see that as well. This is the most complete and at-home with myself that I have ever felt. This is something that I need to go through now, so that I can get on with the rest of my life. This is just who I am, my process of coming into myself.

I am ready to talk about this with you, but only once we can all come to the table with open minds. This is not something that you can talk me out of, so I hope that you will approach it more with the intention of reaching a better understanding of me.

For transgender people, the closet isn’t so much a place you hide in as a jail you’re stuck inside. It’s like there’s another you inside you, and if you’re closeted, your biggest wish for the longest time is that they’ll simply just go away.

Imagine for a moment what that would be like. Imagine yourself in the oppositive body, unable to do anything about it. You live inside your own prison, constantly yearning to just break free. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there’s nothing that you can do about it. For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about what I felt, and so I didn’t do anything about it. Now I have no choice. I simply have to do this for myself…for my sanity…for my happiness.

It’s taken time — lots of time — for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living as a female. So I’m doing something about it, and I’m transitioning from female to male.

Here’s what this means. It means that soon, I no longer live as or identify as a female. It means that I will be undergoing hormone replacement therapy to cancel out my body’s female hormones with male ones. It means that I will be physically developing as a male. It means that I will be a male.

I want to make clear that this is not a choice. I am not deciding to become a man. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning, I may be treated by a few as a second-class citizen by some. I know I am opening myself up to discrimination and hate. I am opening myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. But I consider this a better option than living a lie and not being true to myself and everyone who loves me and cares for me.

I know you will probably need time to work through your end of things. Please take your time and get back to me if/when you are ready. In the meantime, please keep in mind that I love you all and would like for you to be a part of my life, including what I am facing now. All I’m asking for is your support and acceptance, not necessarily of the choices I make, but of ME.

Again, all I can do is ask for your understanding — but if I don’t receive it, I can’t change your minds. Since coming to terms with all of this, I’m already a happier person. I am taking my life into my own hands, and I’m going to live it the way that I deserve to live it.

This is my story, and I’m finally going to write it.

I love you all.

Liam (formerly Lori)

Wanna know how many family members responded? TWO

My father responded with an immediate 👎 and then removed it. No surprise here. He actually unfriended me on Facebook when he found out I was gay. And he really hasn’t been that involved in my life up until this point. My grandma raised me — not my mother or my father.

My cousin, whom I love dearly, shared this post on Facebook, immediately after reading my letter to the family:

I do not make many posts like this, with that said…..When you get a FB message from a favorite cousin telling you they are transgender…what do you do? I tell you what I did! I told him how much I love him unconditionally, how he will always be one of my fave cousins. LOVE LOVE LOVE each other is the answer. You’re gay? I love you! You’re straight, I love you! You’re transgender? I love you! You’re black, yellow, green, I LOVE you! There is NOT enough love and compassion and understanding, education in this world. Don’t be ignorant, just simply LOVE! Live your life! It is your life to live! Be happy, be YOU! We don’t have to comprehend or fully understand to love someone!

As of this morning, I still have no responses from the rest of the family. I guess that soon I’ll start to see them drop off of my Facebook Friends list.