The In-Between

So, where do I even begin this week?

Still battling with everything that’s going on in the country right now — watching my friends hurt and trying to do as much as I can to stand up and take action — and try to end all the hate and racism in this world. I know that’s a very tall order, but change has to start somewhere. Sitting in silence, occasionally “liking and sharing” on social media is not the answer.

I’m struggling quite a bit this week. I had a really big “high” this weekend when I stopped at a convenience store. The guy behind the counter said, “How’s it going, boss?”. When I left, he said, “Have a good one, man”. Wow!!! In that very moment, I thought — “How awesome is this!!! I’m “passing” as a guy!”

That feeling didn’t last too long, because I also noticed that I was getting some stares from some people in the parking lot, who (I’m sure) noticed what they thought was a guy — with boobs. Ugh! I was crushed — and to be honest (in that moment) a little afraid.

I don’t know what to do right now. I’m starting to look and sound more like a guy every week — but I still have breasts. I have my consultation with the top surgeon July 23rd, but I’m not sure when I can actually have the surgery — 1. because of COVID-19 and 2. because I’ve heard that it’s wise to wait at least a year after starting testosterone, to have the surgery. What am I supposed to do in the meantime???

Yes, I have a few options, but none are good options.

• Wear one (or two) compression sports bras. These are hard to find…and honestly don’t really do the best job.
• Wear a chest binder. These things are extremely uncomfortable, can only be worn for 8 hours at a time — and can be very dangerous. I’ve seen a ton of horror stories about binders. I actually ordered one and tried it on and thought I was going to die before I could get it off! Because chest binders involve tight compression of the breasts, they can result in pain, discomfort and physical restrictions. Constricting the breast tissue can also cause permanent damage to the breasts, which will alter their final shape. IMO, chest-binding is barbaric!

Seriously??? Who wants to wear this all day — particularly when it’s hot outside. It’s bad enough that you can’t breathe as easily when you wear these things.

• TransTape — a medical-grade tape that you can use to open-chest bind (basically tape your breasts to the sides to make your chest appear as flat as possible). Wanna know how bad this stuff is? Just read this article. And believe me…there are many more.

These are NOT photos of me. Photo on the right shows skin irritation/breakout from the use of TransTape

So…I don’t know WHAT to do right now. Just one more thing to cause my dysphoria to kick in. 😢😭😢

I’m hoping I’ll get some good news from my top surgeon when I go to my consultation next month. Fingers crossed. I have to do something. I feel like a “freak” walking around in a guy’s body — with breasts.

Peace and love to all.

Liam