Reset
It’s my first day running for 3+ miles without feeling acute pain in my leg since April, a 3-week overdue.
For some context, I was diagnosed with stress fracture on my right tibia (which is a large bone between the knee and the ankle) almost four months ago. At the time, I was just getting started with my running career, feeling settled down in a new city that is San Francisco. Injuries were not uncommon for me, especially since I was obsessively trying to do better in every aspect, challenging myself with endless elevation gain, a sub-90 half marathon time, and 60 mile weeks, which probably explains why it became such a shocker when Dr. Shin (yes, that’s his real last name) took out the MRI report, gently pressed my injured part, and asked, “I’m so sorry, but it looks like there’s a noticeable fracture on your right tibia. The good news is your bone is not all the way cracked, but you should still rest for at least 6–8 weeks, before resuming any weight bearing activities. How long have you had the injury for?……”
He then went on drawing circles and lines on the back of my MRI report, illustrating a story about how the bone cells were constantly working for me, absorbing as much stress and impact created from each activity, primarily running. When they simply couldn’t catch up with my speed of exhausting the cells, they would go on strike and that’s basically how stress reaction/fracture came about. He didn’t actually draw faces on these cells, but I think I saw the stressed out look, or maybe it was from my own face —I was flicking fingers, checking emails on my phone every 2 seconds, thinking about work meetings I had to miss to make this doctor’s appointment.
Fast forward to “6–8 weeks later”, my leg didn’t feel any better, though my life had been nothing short of a catastrophe. My right leg went from crutches to a “peg leg”, then boot. I drafted a resignation letter, turned it in almost the same day when my manager asked me to leave the company (also ironically, the same week my work visa got approved by the DHS). I panicked about my time in the States running out while having to say goodbye to all my dear friends here (but seriously, how was I gonna board a 14-hour flight with a peg leg device?!!). My landlord at the time was threatening both my roommate and I about the security deposit while I anxiously tried to find my next refuge in the City of Fog…
Could it get any worse you ask? As I was interviewing for my next position in a Seattle-based globally-operated coffee shop, my laptop got robbed and my leg injury dramatically worsened as a consequence. The fate of formally my laptop with a rainbow sticker on the back remains unknown to this date, DM and ask me how I feel about SFPD.
It has come across to me a few times that, if I didn’t get injured and still had running as my main source of happiness (aka, coping mechanism), maybe I would’ve never realized how distressed I was over my last job and how unhappy I became. Just as if I didn’t decide to leave my last company (voluntarily or not, if you argue), would I ever start reevaluating my career goal and looking at my life in a completely different way. Not too much of a determinist, I still believe that everything in life happens for a reason, whether as a confirmation of your good efforts, or a warning sign for a change. Changes are scary, nonetheless.
Reset has been a word I used most often in the past few months. When asked about my injury, I answered “Yea, this would be a good reset for me to rest and focus on future races”; at networking events, I told other people “I wanted to hit a reset button in my career and do something I really enjoy and feel challenged.” All good stuff. What I failed to anticipate was, what exactly does a reset mean. Is it as easy as long pressing the button on the back of my clock to return to factory setting? Can I just arbitrarily announce a reset without reflecting on everything I already went through?
On the first day of August, 2018, I put on shirt and shorts that felt a little tighter than before, laced up my new running shoes, (almost) sprinted out of my new residence, which is adjacent to the paradise for SF runners, Golden Gate Park, after nearly 3 months in hiatus……
It hurt, almost a little excruciatingly.
I knew I wasn’t ready, despite the fact that I figuratively hit the reset button — I moved to a new house, started a new chapter of my life, and most importantly, flipped the goddamn page on the calendar!
Growing up, I had the habit of starting a new page on the notebook, or going back to Chapter 0 in the textbook when I didn’t understand something. It’s kind of like new year resolutions I guess, when the clock strikes 12, when a new number turns up on the calendar, we become hopeful, as if we are all of a sudden granted the ability to rewrite our life. I thought it would be the same for me when getting back into running, starting a new job, doing something different. There’s no shortcut, but trials and errors, patience.
Patience.
Like I mentioned, I’m also excited to be starting with a (mini) new chapter on my life before embarking on something totally different. I enjoy my new place, and I’m grateful that I get to stay in this beautiful city for another period of time. I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support I received from the friends, who taught me many things including integrity, perseverance, and compassion. Thank you, thank you.
I also want to give my biggest kudos to my mom, who I definitely didn’t say enough love to. She put aside whatever she was working on, flew 14 hours on a week’s short notice, to literally get myself together, take care of me (which includes dealing with my dehydrated skin), and talk about things that we don’t normally get to talk due to distance. You have been the biggest support to me at such tumultuous time, mom and dad.
