There Will Be Traffic — The Lyft Guarantee

Unless their heads are so far up their asses that they can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s bullshit, the good folks over at Lyft have to know their responsibility for at least some of the unnecessary traffic congestion in San Francisco.

I mean, check out this Facebook ad:

The fine print: the $1250 guaranteed earnings is “pre-comission.” So it’s really $1000 once you deduct Lyft’s 20% take.

It’s designed to resemble a vintage postcard invitation for tourists. Albeit, poorly.

Lyft’s recruiters must know they’ve suckered everyone in the Bay Area who is/was foolish enough to fall for their deception, so now they have to find dumbasses from across the region to flood The City with VC-funded incentives.

Every time they do one of these promotions you can literally feel the increase in traffic, and witness the absolutely moronic — and highly illegal — driving on the streets.

Since the advent of Uber and Lyft, San Francisco traffic has gone from bad to stuck in a hectic, road-rage-y traffic jam on Fell Street at 2a.m. bad. And it just keeps getting worse.

And no wonder.

Lyft is actively summoning drivers from far and wide into The City with the promise of fortunes.


That’s a nice chunk of change, IF — and that’s a big, fat IF — you fulfill the obligations of the promotional offer. It’s not that easy to squeeze in 100 rides on a lazy sunday. There’s also Lyft’s cut. And gas. And maintenance. And bridge tolls. And potential tickets from moving violations, parking fines, hidden fees, overcharges, undercharges, restrictions, conditions and even more fine print you won’t notice until a Lyft represenative informs you via email that you just missed the cutoff for the promotional offer by two rides. Better luck next week!

You didn’t think they were just going to hand over $1250 of their hard-earned VC capital, did you?

It’s a scam, scam scam.

People who use Lyft or Uber should be fucking ashamed of themselves for sucking the dick of corporate greed and ruining a beautiful city for their own selfish, pathetic interests. After their five-minute ride is over, they just go on their merry way. Meanwhile, people are struggling to eke out a meager existence.

In the future, when we look back at the “rideshare” trend — hell, the entire concept of the “sharing economy” — it will be with regret and embarrassment.

Don’t be a lazy fuck weak-ass city slicker wannabe asshole.

It really comes down to this…

If you’re going to live in a city, act like it. Diversify your transportation needs. Ride a bike, take Muni, skateboard, skip, do fucking cartwheels. Act like you know what it means to live in a real fucking city and try not to supplant a dystopian suburban reality on the urban experience.

Because what is gentrification but reverse white flight?

If you can’t handle the grit then go back to the whitewashed ‘burbs and leave the city living to those of us who actively reject the air-conditioned nightmare of isolationist suburbia… those of us who want to participate in a real society… those of us who willingly accept the inconveniences with the benefits, the ugly with the beauty… those of us who can’t live anywhere else… those of us for whom suburban life would be a prison sentence…

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