I am a mess
These days, I do literally nothing.
I go to work, do what I must do, laugh, work and that’s it.
All the work I must do to follow my dream, none of them is done.
I had a “minor” setback on what was supposed to be my “prize”… my goal…
That thing you think: “ when I’ll get it, everything will just fall in place, I just need to grind until then”.
And then your goal kind of shatters or goes farther away.
So, basically I had a set back and then I lost faith… Eating clean, exercising, working on my projects … none of it is done. Worse, I go back to thinking things again.
I know it is very wrong, but self-pity in me is strong. I feel like I am suffering too much to make any effort. Which is kind of laughable as I have a roof on my head, good salary etc, but my heart feels empty.
I feel tired… Tired of not letting go. I have been to where I let go, and it is not a pretty place. Obesity, less of self love etc.
So no, I can’t go back.
And as I can’t go forth, I stand still, and let the days slip away. Waiting for good news, waiting for change, waiting for something to help me believe again.
I clearly know all this should be found inside of me, but I feel that’s fake. I should give it a try … I know I should….
These are the times where I think I should pray or meditate to find inner peace. I don’t know why the thought of inner peace within me makes me laugh. I am such a tornado in my feelings, in my attitude… I can’t picture me being “calm”. It causes anxiety when I think of it. Will I still be the same? will I still be me ? I love myself now.
And there it is …. I am afraid.
Afraid to change, afraid of the unknown, afraid to not be someone I can understand, control…
I am afraid to suffer, afraid to give it my all, I am afraid to change too much, I am afraid to let go and finally it doesn’t work. I am afraid to fail and so I stay still.
They say self-awareness is important, I am a masterpiece at self-awareness, but that won’t make me move one step.
And there goes the hitting my-self : I want the cake but not the hard work...
Either I do what must be done, either I shut-up but I am able of none.
So I live without living, letting time pass, precious time pass, hoping and wishing for change.
Fanny
