Over “pouring” self-esteem
Hello people! If you have read my stories you have seen that I am all verse in self development esteem, etc. Here I come with a problem that comes with that. When you “force yourself” to others.
When you lack confidence, you sometimes don’t speak up. You sometimes let others decide for you, when you damn know it’s a bad idea. You don’t want to accept responsibility. You are afraid that if your decision is wrong, you’ll be crushed by your own self-disdain or other’s. So you don’t take any actions and follow.
This may not be you, but it was me. I am still a lil bit like that, but I have a lifetime to get things right :-).
So here I was, picking up every inch of who thought i truly was, and building up, until I was satisfied, feeling me, truly me… and then started the problems.
People couldn’t cope with who i was becoming. For various reasons. I wasn’t the shield anymore. I wasn’t the funny fat girl trying to be accepted by everyone. Now I see that I hide behind the fact of being fat. I wasn’t acting. I was afraid to be judged, to be overlooked, to not be taken seriously, but when I got thinner (Yeah I got thinner great win. But still not where I want to be).
I still didn’t take action.
My weight wasn’t the problem. It was deep inside me: I don’t value my thinking. I value my being and my worth, but I am still not confident enough in my capacity to cope with hardship, struggle,passion and I am deadly afraid of deception.
Ok, back on track, people couldn’t cope with me anymore, truth to be said I became a bitch. A very nice bitch. smiling sweet and everything but a bitch all the same. Because I wanted to get everyone to where I was. I wanted all the people around me to get through their true self.
It all started nicely, I started speaking up, not letting bullshit being told around me or to me. I started pushing the true me. I was expressing: “like me or go to hell”. I won’t give in anymore. That was problem one.
The second problem that came up, is that I stopped listening. When you are timid. You don’t talk so you listen and observe, so you get good at getting you environment right. But when you want to talk, to not let any of your thoughts toned down, you listen for the sake of discussing and expressing your point of view. You observe less and you listen less….
Third problem: being you doesn’t kill the fact that you want to be in a group. You want to be surrounded, accepted for who you really are. But no one gets you anymore. You are you TOO MUCH. And whether you see it or not, you don’t let room for others anymore.
I was “overpouring” confidence. And I got hurt. No one wanted to talk to me anymore. I was mature enough to reconsider this new situation. This new me, expressing baby. And I understood. It’s not about others. It’s about me. Self-esteem and self confidence is an inside thing. Its not expressing my self every and any time. Toning down doesn’t mean that what I think doesn’t matter, it means I am mature enough to match that confidence with my environment.
Its hard to believe but when you start talking, it’s really hard to get back to listening :-).
As I claim to be different and want to be accepted as different, I have to accept and not confront others too. I am not a lone being, I am part of a family, of a world. It doesn’t mean I have to follow the group, or to throw away my belief, but it means to live with the world as it is. And be smart enough to choose my battles, choose the one I speak to. Choose when, how and where.
Thank you, for reaching the end of this article. A long, rambling but I started believing that, what I feel, what I live can help others. So don’t hesitate, to comment, spread your feelings, and or help me grow.
Love,
Fanny
