When I realized that I am going to die
It’s the “happy ending” of the story, sooner or later, for everyone.
I have always been dead scared of death. I could hyperventilate at night or go in depression while thinking of it. It seemed so unfair to me…
Worst thing for me was to know that I wont be able to think anymore, thus exist anymore. I so much like to think analyze anything and everything, that the sole idea that it will be stolen from me, gave me nightmares.
Why were we given such a gift if it’s not to observe the change in the world, admire LIFE eternally. Do I talk of the pain you have when you struggle to breathe and you can’t and you finally die ??
And then I lost someone very close to me for the first time. One second and she was gone. She was sick for a long time, I prayed and believed.
I knew deep down it was a matter or time. And then she was gone.
I saw death for the first time. There is no honor in death was my first thought. Why do we even care to die with honor ?? for whom ? We cease to exist, so what’s the objective behind?
My second thought was to realize that we are flesh … and flesh returns to the ground. I realized that I didn’t believe in heaven too. Cycle of life, earth we are, and to earth we return…
I made a major change in my life, at that period:
I decided to live my life and only mine.
I changed my job became freelancer, called my futur/ex boyfriend and told him, it was now or never to get real. I changed with my family.
I may die tomorrow.
I will be content with every second of my life. As it is now, not in the futur.
I decided to not care about other people’s life/problems. I genuinely care for my friends, but no more changing their life. We should life our life to the fullest. We make our decisions, good or bad, life shouldn’t be stolen from us by any do-gooders.
It is not because I think I am right, that I should be telling others how they should live their life. As I don’t want anyone do to it with me, I don’t think either that there is only one road. And gosh, we will all meet in front, with the worms :-) so everyone should live his or her experience.
It was really a game changer for me. I am not a person-pleaser anymore.
When I can’t cope with other people opinions and that those opinions bring negativity to my life, I shut people out. Period.
Life is relation, relating. But I better be my only friend than accept negativity.
I am a good friend to others, I can be a good friend to me.
I still won’t put myself in direct contact with criticism but for sure I know that I don’t have to live by anyone’s rules or standards.
So tell me, how do you address your mortality ?
F.
