Without Intimacy Your Partner Will Look Elsewhere

But it’s impossible to untell the lies

Loren A Olson MD
BeingWell
Published in
7 min readOct 30, 2020

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Older man who looks depressed and guilty, sitting on bed with his wife who looks withdrawn.
serezniy/DepositPhoto/288966860. Licensed to the author.

“Michael” was desperate when he wrote me this:

I’ve been married for over thirty years, and I have two sons and a daughter. A couple of years ago, I had an affair with a man. Will my wife ever get over it?

My wife and I have hardly had sex in the last ten years, and when we have, she always says something like, ‘Ok. But let’s hurry up and get it over with.’ It makes me feel like she thinks I’m raping her. I’ve always wanted more sex than she does.

Two years ago, I started going to the gym. I met a man there that I started confiding in. I’ve never had close friends to talk to like that. One night when my wife was out, David and I went to his place after working out. We talked about many personal things, and the next thing I knew, we were having sex.

It felt so good to feel wanted. David wanted me as much as I wanted him. I had had two same-sex experiences before I was married, but it was only for sexual pleasure. With David, it was so much more than that. It reignited all the same-sex attractions that lay dormant for many years. David erased all of the shame and guilt I felt about those past experiences.

Will my wife get over it? Will I ever get over it? I’m not ready to re-define my sexuality.

Esther Perel said that several things are at the heart of an affair: a yearning for emotional connection, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves, and a desire to bring back vitality. Almost everyone wants a soul mate, the person of our dreams, someone with whom we can build the expected life and have a family. We want to find a place where we experience love, romance, emotional intimacy, and sex, all with the same person. We want to share these things with a sense of integrity and authenticity.

Have you ever gotten to the place in your marriage where you felt alone, helpless, and desperate for something to change?

Michael and I had both gone through similar experiences. Even though an affair went against all of my values, I found the intimacy I sought with another man. I wanted to have it both ways. I enjoyed the traditional family life I’d built with my wife, but I wanted to hold…

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Loren A Olson MD
BeingWell

Gay father; Psychiatrist; Award-winning author FINALLY OUT. Chapter excerpt here: http://bit.ly/2EyhXTY Top writer on Medium. Not medical advice.