My Friend, Unforgiveness
This is my secret
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14–15)
I’m going to be completely honest and open with you. I struggle with unforgiveness. Out of all the challenges I face — like patience and self-control — unforgiveness is the hardest habit for me to break.
I despise the way people often portray unforgiveness. They make it seem like it’s sitting around all day, consumed by hatred for someone. While that might be true for some, that’s not what unforgiveness is for me.
Unforgiveness, for me, has made my life easier. As a child, it served as a shield against the pain my mother inflicted. When she beat me, 70+ times with a leather belt until my legs went numb and I couldn’t walk, I found that holding on to the pain and not forgiving her made it easier to cope. It kept my guard up. When she hurt me again, it didn’t sting as much because I expected it. But when I forgave her, believing she was my mother and deserving of forgiveness, I let my guard down. I would run back to her with open arms, yearning for love, only to be beaten and manipulated again. Each time I forgave her, the pain felt ten times worse.
Unforgiveness protected me. It was my armor, helping me survive.
When I embraced Christianity and learned about the importance of forgiveness, I wrestled deeply with God. I’ve been a Christian for five years and still grapple with this. Just when I think I’ve forgiven my mother, God shows me remnants of unforgiveness in my heart.
Unforgiveness has seeped into many areas of my life. It protected me so much that I clung to it with others — my husband, my in-laws, even at times with God. When things don’t go my way, I sometimes feel forsaken by God, struggling to trust Him fully.
I understand why God wants me to forgive. While unforgiveness once seemed like my friend, I now question its true nature. If it spreads from one person to others, what relationships will I have left if I hold on to unforgiveness and pain?
My therapist once told me, “You can forgive and still have boundaries.” She’s right. For so long, I used unforgiveness as a boundary that I now struggle to distinguish between the two.
I asked my husband recently, “What is forgiveness, and how do you actually do it?”
To this day, I am trying, but I still struggle with genuinely wanting to forgive. I remind myself, “Alex, nothing is worth going to hell for,” which is true, but it’s not that simple either, especially since unforgiveness has been my shield for so long. I pray every day for God to help me release the unforgiveness buried deep in my heart. Though I’ve let go of so much, I know I still have a long way to go.
So please, pray for me. It’s a slow and painful process.
At the end of all this, I am deeply thankful that God is so patient and understanding with me. God is so good that even after five years, I truly believe He will finish the work He has started in me. When I spend time with Him, I can hear Him speaking words of love and patience over me during this long process.
If you are in the same situation where unforgiveness has been your friend, I hope this blog brings you love, care, and hope for a better future. A future that God wants for you. As my friend reminded me, even though unforgiveness has protected you, God wants to protect you too. Remember, He is a loving God with a plan to prosper you and not harm you.
God is Good!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
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My crazy stories of Parenthood on this publication: positive-learning-with-alex
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