How I’m Learning to Just Shut Up and Run

Insane arguments with myself while pounding the pavement.

6:40:00PM, Mile 0

Okay, you spent an entire day sitting on your ass. Yes, you got a lot of shit done, but you told yourself a million times that you were going to try for your longest sustained run today, and it’s getting pretty dark outside.

Yes, you’re hungry, but just get this run in. Honestly, it’ll only take an hour, and then you can eat whatever you want. Let’s be honest, that’s one of the main reasons you’re doing this in the first place, so you can eat mac&cheese without feeling guilty. Just put on your shoes. Don’t think. Just put on your shoes. Your shoes dammit.

6:48:04PM, Mile 0

Alright! Shoes on, that’s the first step. So, are you going to mentally commit to running 6 today with at least a 4.2 mile sustained run?

Well…maybe if I just do 4 today and 4 tomorrow…That would be a total of 8 this weekend…then I could be done earlier for today…and total mileage is even more than what I planned to do today…that sounds reasonable…

NO. Just stick to the damn plan and run your 6. The point is to try to get to the point that you can run a 10k and this is the weekend that you were going to prove it to yourself.

Okay, out the door. Earbuds in, start Runkeeper, open the door, and just go. Just go before you think about it more.

6:49:00PM, Mile 0

Wow, it’s a really nice evening out. I can totally do six. I’m feeling good, light, and totally ready for this. 6 miles is going to be easy.

6:53:47PM. Mile 0.42

I’m going to die. How am I tired already? I swear, maybe RunKeeper’s GPS is messed up. I could have sworn I’ve ran at least 10 minutes already and must have gone at least a mile. How am I only 1/12th of the way done with this run?

6:59:33PM, Mile 1

5 more freaking miles to go. 1/6th of the way done. There’s no way I’m going to do this. I am so out of shape.Why did I tell everyone I was going to run a marathon when I turned 27? I don’t know if I can do this. I need to start running with other people to shame myself into not quitting…

Ok, you need to just stop complaining. You’ve done 1 mile before and it’s been fine. You’ll survive. Honestly. Just think about something else, like how much you need to clean up the data in Salesforce once you get home.

7:04:42PM, Mile 1.40

Oh god, I hope that light turns red so I have an excuse to walk a bit. Please turn red, please turn red, please turn red…dammit. Okay, keep going, keep going…there’s another one ahead. Please turn red, please turn red, please turn red….dammit. Stoplights always do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Fucking mind-reading stoplights.

7:10:05PM, Mile 1.92

Don’t let the fact that a group of 6 elderly women just jogged past your slow ass pace bother you.

7:14:05PM, Mile 2.40

Next time, I should really go running with someone else. Look at all these people running with someone. Who would run with me…

…I wonder if I’m meeting enough new people in my life. I wonder if I’m making enough time to be social. I’m always so work-oriented that I don’t know if I’m prioritizing enough time to meet new people. I do like meeting new people, but I can never enough time for it. I know it’s good for me, but…

…Ian told me the other day that he has a hard time telling whether I agree with him or not when he’s talking. So did Tracy. Both of them say I have a poker face that makes it hard to interpret how I’m thinking. They said there’s value in being expressive, and letting people see whether you like what they are saying or not. Or even whether you like THEM or not. I wonder if years of poker made me less expressive and that’s preventing me from making some connections with people. I need to work on that…

…is that homeless woman dropping trou and peeing on the sidewalk in front of me?

7:22:05PM, Mile 3.1

I want to quit. But I can’t. I used to run miles and miles. I used to run forever when I was playing soccer in high school and it bugs the shit out of me that I can’t run for very long anymore. You used to run a fucking 6:12 mile and now you can barely get a mile under 9:30.

I can’t quit. I won’t quit. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. That’s why I moved to SF. That’s why I decided to be an entrepreneur. That’s why I decided to do customer acquisition. That’s why I decided to do cold calls. That’s why I decide to take risks every day, because I need to prove to myself that I can do it. It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. The best things are never easy; they are earned through sweat, blood, and tears.

I want to know that it’s possible to push myself further. I want to know that I can physically be just as strong as I can be mentally. Push yourself because you never feel more alive than when you’ve achieved something you didn’t think was possible for yourself.

7:27:05PM, Mile 3.7

Just keep thinking about what motivates you. If you get to mile 4, you definitely deserve some pasta after this run. Think about that delicious bite of carby pesto pasta you’re going to cook after this. Think about how much fresh Parmesan cheese you’re going to grate onto that pasta. Think about how awesome that guilt-free bite will be.

Think about how running makes you more confident. You’ve been running casually since the end of March and seriously running for a couple weeks now. You’ve dropped 15 pounds. Your clothes fit better. Your skin looks clearer. I know you generally don’t give a shit about how you look, but running just makes you feel more confident, makes you walk straighter, makes you more comfortable in your own skin, and that feels fucking good.

Think about how running gives you more energy. Your work days are like running a mental 10k and running just makes you healthier and gives you more energy to tackle all the things that come up during the week. You want to be a successful entrepreneur? You want to work harder than everyone else? Keep running.

7:34:19PM, Mile 4.2

You just passed your longest sustained run in probably 8 years. Celebrate that, but don’t stop.

Remember why you’re doing this. In the end of March you weighed 213 lbs. You let yourself balloon up and lead a sedentary life. You gave yourself excuse after excuse, like a six-year relationship that made you comfortable, a busy work life that didn’t afford you the time to work out,a startup that gave you a constant flow of free food and samples. Your doctor told you you had a fatty liver. When you stepped on your Wii Fit, your character said you were obese. You were getting sick. No excuses anymore. You challenge yourself mentally every day and push yourself harder than almost everyone you know. Why not push yourself physically? You almost didn’t declare openly about your intent to run a marathon. You were scared to say it because you didn’t think you could do it. You’ve always followed your fears. You’ve always faced them head on. You can do it. You must do it.

7:37:19PM, Mile 4.61

Okay, see that fence post? Jog to that fencepost, then you can take a break.

Okay, you got to the fence post, but honestly, you can do more. See that woman jogging? Pass her, and then you can take a break.

Okay, you passed her, but keep going. See that bench? Run to the bench, then you can take a break.

7:43:17PM, Mile 5

Left, Right, Left, Right. Just focus on your breathing. Focus on your next step forward. Quiet your mind. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out…

7:48:21PM, Mile 5.4

…

7:55:37PM, Mile 6

I’m…done? Wow. I’m done. Two weeks ago you were mentally struggling with a sustained 2 mile run, and you pretty much just ran a 10k. You didn’t think you’d ever get close to running a marathon but you’re getting there. Whew. I’m tired.

Forget work. Forget worrying about my social life. Forget thinking about the next run. Where can I find mac&cheese right now?