An Introvert’s Guide To Making Friends and Building Authentic Connections

It was the first day at my new job. I was walking from the reception to my workstation when I joined not-for-profit many years back. It was an alien environment and I didn’t know anyone — I was nervous and unsure. I was welcomed by a smiling face that erased my fears and helped me gain confidence. Even though I had never met her before, I felt like I knew this person well — she seemed like a kindred spirit. She made me feel comfortable within minutes in my new workplace and within weeks, we became very good friends. We worked on many initiatives together and though there were many places that we would disagree, we were never disagreeable to each other. Despite having very different personalities, we had a strong connection and we continue to be friends for over 15 years now…

I have always been fascinated by how relationships work — how connections happen and friendships are forged. It seems random in many ways but seemingly serendipitous meetings often lead to life-long friendships.

How is it that we get along with certain people and connect instantly?

This is not just an academic question for me.

As a self-confessed “connector” whose strongest suit is community building, having a handle on this question is very important to me. Community building is not just about bringing a set of people together, it is more important to ensure that people connect with one another in a meaningful way — that is what creates “magic”.

Then there is the added complexity of a specific personality trait that I have. I am an introvert. Which means that it is not very easy for me to open up to new people and equally difficult to make these people forge meaningful relationships amongst themselves.

Recently, I was planning for a “Founders Trek” and I was pondering this dynamic. I was talking to Raj Setty and he recommended this book to me on “clicking” and how we should try to create meaningful connections amongst founders in this trek.

I really liked the book as they were many instances which I realised why people click and what goes when the clicking happens. I have read the book multiple times and each time, I pick up something new on why people click.

According to the book, written by Ori Brafman, Rom Brafman, “Click — The Magic of Instant Connections” Clicking can be defined as an immediate, deep and meaningful connection with another person or with the world around us. Typically, it takes weeks or months before most of us feel truly comfortable with a new person. We have to gain the other person’s trust, and he or she needs to gain ours. We need to find a common language, understand each other’s quirks and establish an emotional bond. But sometimes the process is greatly accelerated, and the connection seems to form almost magically and instantaneously.

Connecting with Others

How do these magic connections happen?

The reason most of us are more likely to connect with others is when they allow us to be ourselves around them. Some people are very good at making you talk and they will give all their attention when you speak. It might be awkward at times, but it can be very powerful if you honestly tell about your fears, relationships with the people who really matter to you. Your relationship becomes much deeper.

But this is not easy for folks to open up, especially people who are introverts.

Being an introvert, It takes effort for me to open up and even in the best of times, I am uncomfortable talking about myself.

Here are four things that helped me connect with kindred spirits over the past year — a year where I moved from Delhi to Bangalore and started a new job.

Meet folks one-on-one or in small groups

I am quite miserable when it comes to talking in a group — I find it uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I always prefer to meet people one to one and then have deep and open conversations with them on many things usually without any specific agenda. This has helped me to build a deeper connection with the individual and I also get to know the person better. Once the connect happens, I find it easier to pour my heart out to the other person and have found that such an honest and no-holds-barred exchange helps forge authentic and deep relationships.

First find personal peace and only then, look to make new connections

This year also has been a great year for me towards self-discovery and how I can improve upon myself. This year I became very regular at Yoga and meditation. I also inculcated some daily practices which helped me improve my personal happiness. I found that feeling better about myself helped me to make new friends and connections more easily.

Don’t look at the serendipity gift horse in the mouth

At times, we keep bumping into a few people again and again. These seem random but I think that these happy accidents are a signal that there is something amazing which is supposed to happen in the future and that’s the reason why we keep getting opportunities to meet. I have seen this multiple times — and the more we meet, the deeper the connections. Often I have no idea where these relationships will lead to but when you look back after the event, you can always connect the dots backwards and realize only in hindsight why and how these relationships were meant to be forged.

Less socializing in the online world, more in the real world

Over the last few years, the world of social media world has become both ubiquitous and addictive. But if you scratch the surface, you can see that it is a superficial world. After being on Facebook for a couple of years, I realised people often tend to post something that helps them paint a picture of something which they are not in the real world. What you post is often determined by the number of likes and comments you think you can garner so that you can get your dopamine fix. I have realized that it is far better to have a handful of real friends in the offline world that hundreds of acquaintances or followers in the online world. It is ok to have fewer than 5 friends as long as these are friends who are willing to stand by you. Towards this, I have cut down on social media to a bare minimum and instead allocate that time to meeting people face to face.

Some Learnings on Building a Community

In the last few years, I have helped build several communities. I feel that I have managed to do this despite being an introvert because I have always focused on people. I would always try and focus on the strengths of the people that I would meet and then channelize these strengths around a particular cause.

Let me share a few broad thoughts on building such communities.

Givers & Takers — In every community, there are givers and takers, many of them will come forward because they would like to leverage the platform, basically take more. It is ok for people to gain something from the platform, but when they are only in the receiving mode, it doesn’t work and other people can see through it. So, this is a skill you have to acquire of finding people who are willing to contribute to the platform and lend their time, effort and strengths without expecting anything in return as a quid pro quo.

Test them out — I always give a smaller assignment to people who are keen to contribute. It is surprising that most of them don’t get back and this is a great way to filter out the people who are committed and passionate towards the cause. Also, you can’t do this with people who are accomplished or the people that you want to be part of the team. This is for folks who want to volunteer, but don’t know how to go about.

Finding what people are passionate about — By engaging with people constantly, you will get to know them better and find out how passionate they are about a particular cause. Many a time, people will have some good ideas but will not have the bandwidth to contribute or execute. Leverage such folks as sounding boards but don’t count on them to contribute meaningfully in any direct manner. It is always good to keep them posted on the progress you are making and you might be surprised that they will join back again to contribute. Once you are able to find what people are passionate, you might want them to own/lead a particular thing,

Online personas are not the same as real people — The people that you meet on social media and on the internet are very different in real life. We normally judge people by what they write on their social channels, but in real life, many, if not most, people are very different. I always make it a point to, therefore, meet people in person and if they are located in different cities, have video calls at a minimum.

Connect with people — The most important aspect of community building is connecting with people. Once you are able to connect, you can make wonders happen. Often understanding what people are passionate about cannot be found in a group setting. Like me, there are many more introverts who will not open up in the group, so it is always good to do longish meetings one to one, where you know more about the individual, what they are passionate about and why they are keen to volunteer. I think it is always good to get people to open up by asking simple questions on what they are doing, why they are doing it and use that as a starting point to build a shared sense of empathy. In order to connect with people, I have to give my time and be honest with why I’m passionate about the cause. As an introvert, this plays to my strength, as I like meeting people one to one.

“Connection is the experience of oneness. It’s having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar ideas”. Source: Brianna Wiest

10 meaningful connections that I have made

While generic pointers are good, they are often not directly actionable as the context of each person and community is totally unique. I feel that the best way to share my experiences about making authentic connections is to share how I made 10 meaningful connections in the past decade. Many of these people are folks that I count as my best friends and I have become a better human being by getting to learn from them. I will avoid taking names as I just don’t want to make them uncomfortable here:

1. I had heard a lot about this individual from a common friend. I had painted a picture in my mind about him and then I got an opportunity to talk to him on the phone. The conversation was only for 3–4 minutes and I had to invite him for a conference as a speaker. I knew what would appeal to him and just said a few things on why he should be there and in a minute, I got his confirmation. Later, I got to meet him at his office and I knew we clicked as the conversation went on for over 60 minutes whereas we had just planned for 30 minutes. I talked a lot about my passion and I realised we had many common areas of interest. We have been able to work on many things together and we have been able to deepen our relationship over the last few years.
2. I used to run a program around innovation for a not-for-profit. There was a bug in the application form and my colleague was not willing to change it as he did not see a reason but there was someone who was sending me emails about the problem. I got on to a call with him to understand the problem. He was giving us valuable feedback and it would save few minutes for each individual. I appreciated his feedback and actually thanked him. Later, at a conference, we got connected and again, we had amazing conversations. In time, I figured his passion and how he wanted things to be very transparent and clear. We have again worked on many initiatives together and he has now become a good friend.
3. I once met a journalist at a coffee place for an official meeting. I talked a lot about the work I do and why I am passionate about it. I noticed that unlike many other people, he looked straight into my eyes when we spoke and seemed to observe me with keen interest. The official meeting ended but I just went back with a good feeling of knowing someone who had so much of interest in what I was doing. Later, we again bumped into a networking session and realised both of us did not have too many friends out there and we were not too comfortable talking to other folks. We quietly disappeared from there for a long walk where we again got to talk about our likes and what keeps us going. We continue to meet every now and then and today, there doesn’t go a week where we don’t speak to each other. Being hugged by him just gives a very good feeling and makes me feel that there is someone out there who cares for me.
4. The conference was about to begin and a senior R&D head of an MNC came and started chatting with me. I was very nervous as he was very senior and you don’t expect such people to walk up to you. He wanted to learn more about my work and checked with me if I am enjoying what I was doing. We got connected after a few months and I worked with him on several initiatives. He always made people very comfortable and got the best out of them. He is like a magnet who attracts people towards him. We had our own misunderstandings a few years back, but I am glad that I am getting to see the person he was and I am hoping I will get to work with him again.
5. I just got connected with my schoolmates after 28 years. I was a below-average kid academically and literally used to hide in a corner all the time just so that the teacher wouldn’t spot me. Since I had met my school friends after a long time, I wanted to share my journey of what I went through in school and college and gave an update on my professional and personal life. I received a lot of praise where people had nice things to say about how I have overcome my fears and insecurities. There was one girl who actually reached out to me and liked my candidness and the way I narrated my journey. She opened up with me and talked about her childhood and what she had gone through. I had tears in my eyes when I heard about her own tough battle in school. It was quite brave of her to open up and talk about some of the things that she had not even shared with many of her best friends. and family members. I realised that we had clicked and once you click, you just want to open up and pour your heart. There are very few people who are willing to listen and once you find them, you just don’t want to let them go.
6. My Yoga classes are for 1 hour in the evening and in the last 2–3 minutes of my session, my teacher would talk about life, happiness and a few things which I always liked. I just walked up to her one day and said, I wanted to do a “double click” on many things she said. I happened to meet her for coffee and we exchanged notes on a few things which we had in common, but the power of connectedness made me feel that there is some magic in the connections.
7. I met him for the first time when he came to attend a conference in Mumbai. He had the professor looks. I did not get connected with him in the early days, but for some reason, we got a lot of opportunities to work on several things. He would help me overcome many of my blind spots and I would, in turn, help him with his. We have got to work on many things together and I cherish the time spent with him. We had our own differences but we came out stronger as we were always transparent with each other.
8. In my last role at the not for profit that I worked for, we would do a lot of meetings and there was one person in the meeting when would always contribute and make very meaningful suggestions. I could connect with him as I was also thinking similarly. Our paths crossed multiple times and I would get a lot of meaningful advice from him. Somehow, I would always get really inspired from him and did take his guidance on many things. I knew I would get to work with him in the future on something big. He has shaped my thinking and always helps me with the question “Why I am doing what I am doing”.
9. Another one was an angry young man on Twitter. I remember that he challenged an initiative that we were working on in my last org. I didn’t debate him on twitter but requested him to meet me. It was hard to get a meeting from him as he was not too keen. I was very persuasive and asked to meet for 10 minutes — we ended up spending over an hour. I got to know how much he cares about the org and why he wanted us to succeed. Again, I got multiple opportunities to take his help and work with him. I also realised as introverts, you connect more often with introverts very quickly.
10. When I met him for the first time, he had a lot to talk and share giving me advice on how I should build the volunteer eco-system. He is one of the intellectuals who use very tough words while talking but I still feel connected with him and enjoy working with him. We do a lot of conversations at Yogisthaan which goes on for hours and quite often, something meaningful comes out. He is a great listener.

These are some of the deep and authentic connections that I have made over the past few years. I cherish their friendship and also grateful to all of them who shaped me into a better human being. There are many more who have contributed to shaping me. I hope each of you is as lucky as I have been in meeting such wonderful people and building meaningful friendships with them.

I wish you a happy new year with a lot of Happiness and Good health.

A good friend of mine helped in editing this piece. Thank you #MyFriend.